10 Things NOT to Say to Your Children During a Divorce

Divorce is a time of monumental emotional pain and hardship, a time in which we need support of others to find our way back on track and go on with our life. Yet you can never forget the promise you have given your children when you brought them into this world. You still need to be the best parent you can be and follow some rules to avoid more pain.

One of the most critical things to remember are phrases you should say to them and things you can think of but definitely can’t say. Here are ten things you should never say to your children during a divorce.

1. Nothing will change. Everything will be the same.

Be realistic. A divorce is a separation and that will bring two different households to your children, if both you and your (ex-) spouse decide to remain in the children’s lives. Often, your kids will realize what a separation means much sooner than you think. Instead of trying to calm the situation by claiming everything will be the same, you can carefully introduce certain changes, but always make sure that they know that you are in control of the situation and they do not have to worry.

2. Your dad is a … / Your mom is a …

As much as you would want to, you need to bite your tongue on this one. Do not speak negatively about the other parent and refrain from name calling! Even if there have been hurtful things, such as adultery, a divorce is not the time to be verbally mean to your ex-partner. Remember, in the end, it will not hit your ex-spouse, but it will hurt the children and it may hurt you. Children watch closely and as they grow older, they become much more aware of what is going on. And if your partner really cheated, they will find out one day anyway. Many psychologists, by the way, suggests that an appropriate age of revealing difficult reasons for divorces is about 16.

3. It’s all your mom’s/dad’s fault.

It is easy to shift the fault for the divorce on someone during the divorce. And it may take time for you to realize what really caused your divorce. But that is not a discussion that should be held with your children and such alienation will deepen the wounds that are being caused by the separation. No matter how you feel who has caused the divorce, make sure that you always let your children know that both mom and dad love them very much.

4. Because of what you did, we have to divorce

We come across this one quite often and it is the worst you can say to your children. The simple fact is: Your children are not responsible for the divorce. Never blame them for the problems between you and your (ex-) spouse. The reasons for a divorce are beyond a child’s reach and usually relate to individual actions, bad choices and different parenting approaches.

5. I am busy.

Spending quality time with your children is essential. You should want your child to feel wanted, not abandoned. When you can spend time with your children, especially it is scheduled parenting time, be available and do not make your child feel like she/he is a burden.

6. Your dad does not pay child support.

There are certain topics that are inappropriate to be shared with your children. Examples are especially child support or relationships with significant others. There may not be a single case your children will bring up these topics and if they do, stay positive and let them know that there are or will be two different homes and you and your ex-spouse are working together as a team.

7. DON’T YELL!

Simple. If you are talking with your ex-spouse, on the phone or in the same room, and your children are near, be cordial and polite. Aside from a possible alienation issue, a divorce can also teach your children a lesson for life and they will always remember how you treated each other. As nasty as a divorce may be, treating each other respectfully will show your children that not only are you two working things out, but you can also resolve a conflict without yelling.

8. What does your mom/dad say about me?

Do not put your children in the awkward position to be a middleman or a messenger between you and your spouse. If you are interested in what is going on at the other home, you can always ask you (ex-) spouse. Do not expect your child to relay messages. Even more important: Do not fish for information about your (ex-) spouse.

9. I do not want the divorce. Your mom does.

This is a borderline case, but I recommend staying away from this one as well. There are some counselors who say that you can tell your child that you have done everything to save the marriage. Which, of course, implies that your partner has not. There are countless ways to give the same message to your children – without the blaming. Simply explain that you both have tried to work out your differences, but sometimes that does not happen. To be a good mom and dad, parents sometimes have to separate to overcome their differences.

10. I don’t care about your dad’s rules.

This is a tricky one. When there are two homes, it is impossible that mom and dad will have the exact same rules for every eventuality. However, the two of you need to set a baseline of rules relating to topics such as bedtime, homework, etc. Kids have a tendency to play parents against each other to achieve certain goals, such as playing with a certain toy or manipulate ground rules such as bedtimes. You will often hear “But mom/dad said that ….” Make sure that you have basic rules in place that are the same in both homes and make sure that your children know that you will enforce those rules. If you (ex-) spouse creates new rules without telling you, then you need to discuss those with your (ex-) spouse, but don’t wipe them off the table, just because you do not agree in the first place.

Book Review & Giveaway: Testing the Ice

In the early 1950s, legendary baseball hero Jackie Robinson literally “tested the ice” for his kids who so eagerly wanted to skate on the frozen lake near their home. Under Sharon Robinson’s skillful authorship and Kadir Nelson’s vivid illustrations, “Testing the ice” also becomes a stunning metaphor for her father’s remarkable racial breakthrough.

As soon as my son began reading Testing the Ice aloud to me, I could tell by the enthusiasm in his voice that this book was one we would read over and over again.  Read this entire post to find out how you can enter to win a copy to share with the young ones in your life.

Testing the Ice is a new children’s book written by Sharon Robinson, daughter of the legendary Jackie Robinson. Written from the perspective of a little girl full of the deepest love and admiration for her father, Testing the Ice tells the story of a much more personal heroism than the one for which we have all come to love Jackie Robinson.

After moving to their new home in Connecticut, the Robinson children and their new friends spent all summer enjoying the lake found on their property. As they played and swam, their father watched from the shore, never daring to enter the water himself. But, when the winter cold hardened the lake, and the children set their minds on skating on the ice, Jackie Robinson could no longer lurk in the background. Courageously, despite not knowing how to swim, he risked his life to test the strength of the ice with his own body and a broomstick, making sure the children would be safe.

Illustrated by Kadir Nelson, the images of Jackie Robinson recounting how he shattered the color barrier in Major League Baseball, spending time with his family and crossing the ice are breathtaking. His masterful artistry breathes life into this wonderful story and transports you to the beautiful landscapes and historic baseball games of Sharon Robinson’s childhood.

As a mother, I was reminded that regardless of what the world says, regardless of what we may think, our children have their own reasons for loving their fathers and experiencing them as heroes. As a parent, I was thrilled to hear my child’s excitement at learning about Jackie Robinson the baseball legend and the father. And, as a person striving to make a difference in this world, I was inspired by the courage this man showed in both his professional and personal life. I am grateful to Sharon Robinson for sharing her father with our family in this rich, personal and inspirational story.

And, in our first giveaway, WeParent is giving away copies of Testing the Ice to FIVE lucky readers. One winner will receive a Testing the Ice prize pack that includes a copy of the book and a Kidorable hat, glove and scarf set shown in the image below (an estimated $53 value.) The other 4 winners will receive a copy of the book (and estimated $17 value.)

Here’s how to enter to win:

Check out this video of Sharon Robinson and Kadir Nelson talking about the creation of Testing the Ice. Leave a comment here by 11:59pm EST on Tuesday, October 27, 2009, about something you found interesting about the discussion.

If you’d like to increase your chances of winning, here are four more ways to enter:

1) If you haven’t already, join the WeParent mailing list.  Be sure to verify your subscription by clicking through the confirmation email that will be sent to you, or your entry won’t count.

2) If you aren’t already a member, join our online community, WeParent Connect.

3) Blog or tweet about this giveaway and post a link to your work here.

4) Purchase a copy of Testing the Ice and email a copy of your confirmation email to contests@weparent.com.

OK, WeParent family, this gives you up to five chances to win! And, we’d love to share this rich story with you. All entries must be submitted/completed by 11:59pm EST on Tuesday, October 27, 2009. Winners will be chosen through random.org. This contest is available to U. S. mailing addresses only; prizes will be sent to winners by the book’s sponsor.

Are You Honoring Your Children’s Rights?

When we are in the heat of conflict with our co-parent, we sometimes have a tendency to make the relationship about us. Whether we are willing to admit it or not, so much of drama between mothers and fathers who are no longer together stems from the anger and hurt we experience when we feel disrespected, unappreciated or slighted. Certainly we care about our children, and certainly we may have some legitimate complaints; but, for many of us, if we get really real with ourselves, look-in-the-mirror-and-acknowlege-the-bump-on-your-nose honest, a major part of our beef is all about us.

But, the truth is, it can’t be. Sure, we deserve to be respected, appreciated and treated fairly. At the center of this, though, are our children. And, our decision to become parents makes this about them and what they deserve, too.

The Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce, written by M. Debra Gold, outlines several basic, but not always so simple to deliver, protections we owe our children. It provides an ideal to which we can all aspire as we navigate our way through the challenges and victories of raising our children together.

We encourage you to read it, print it and refer to it often:

Every child has the right to love and be loved by both parents.

Every child has the right to parents who respect the child’s relationship with the other parent.

Every child has the right to continuing care and guidance from both parents.

Every child has the right to parents who treat one another with integrity and respect.

Every child has the right to freely communicate with both parents in privacy.

Every child has the right to be free of their parents’ hostilities and conflicts.

Every child has the right to freedom from guilt or blame.

Every child has the right to parents who cooperate with one another when it comes to the children.

Every child has the right to be heard.

Every child has the right to live the life of a child throughout minority.

Every child has a right to a safe and secure environment in their parents’ custody.

Every child has the right to financial support from both parents.

Source: M. Debra Gold, Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce.

The Golden Rule of Co-Parenting: Keep Kids Out of the Middle

The fact is:  Every relationship experiences conflict.  Co-parenting relationships are no exception.  But, the other fact, supported by research, is that how we manage that conflict may be the most significant determinant in our children’s ability to cope, heal and enjoy the experience of just being children.  Experts suggest that while the ideal scenario may be building a co-parenting partnership that is collaborative and consistent, more important is developing one in which conflict is managed effectively and children are kept out of the middle.

Easier said than done.  As parents, we bump heads over lots of things–schedules, parenting schedules, money, and more.  Couple that with the pain of a relationship that has ended and the conflict can become intensified…full-on drama even.

But, it is critical to remember that it is our conflict, not our children’s.  We made these decisions to be together and to not be together, and only we are responsible.  Putting our children in the center–whether it is by speaking negatively, even on the sly, about the other parent; undermining the other parent’s decisions or consequences; or worse outright battling–sets our kids up to have to choose between two people they love unconditionally.  Not fair.

In his book, “The Truth about Children and Divorce,” Dr. Robert Emery suggests that much of the intensity of our conflict comes from grief and anger that often masks that grief.  He offers these tips, with some added WeParent commentary, for harnessing that anger, so we can spare our children the worst of our separation and give them the best of their parents:

•    Resolve not to get sucked into his or her games. You know it when you see it, and you have a choice not to play.  Better to not engage than to end up kicking yourself for being suckered once again.
•    Refuse to fight with your ex. It takes two.  And, if you can hold out, eventually the other parent will get weary and give up.  Maybe that will open the window to a new and better strategy for communicating.
•    Keep your distance physically and emotionally. Co-parenting is the business of raising your children together.  Keep your communication business-like and brief.  And, if necessary, keep it virtual.
•    Pick your battles…and still refuse to fight. Is everything worth falling on sword?  Probably not, if it’s important, then discuss it, work it out, but don’t fight.
•    Around the kids, say nothing if you can’t say anything positive. Bottom line, for the sake of your kids, fake it.  Grin and bear it.  This too shall pass.
•    Face—and embrace—your hurt, your fears, your grief. Don’t let your anger “protect” you from really facing the sadness and grief you may be feeling about your relationship.  Deal with all the emotions, and allow yourself to truly heal.
•    Spend some time looking inward at how you can learn from all this pain, not just at how you have been wronged. It’s easy to place the blame elsewhere, but challenges like this allow us to see things we may need to face in ourselves.  And, although putting puppet strings on the other parent might be a fantasy, the only person we can truly control is us.  Take this opportunity to grow.
•    Try to find or make a place in your heart for the good stuff, happy memories, including the children you made together—and also for the sadness over what you have lost, what might have been but isn’t. If the only good thing you can think of is the kids, focus on your gratitude for that.  And, don’t be afraid to mourn your vision of what the relationship could have been.  Dealing with this will allow you to move on.

Ultimately, the goal is to allow ourselves to heal.  But, while we do that, these suggestions can help us shield our children from the grown folks’ business of sorting out their personal and parenting relationships.

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