Book Review: How to Survive and Win as a Co-Parent

One of my favorite resources as a family practice attorney is How to Survive and Win as A Co-Parent, written by Arline S. Kerman. Though this book was copyrighted in 2006, the content is as relevant to any co-parenting challenge you are facing right now–today. It is a resource guide for all parents: single, married, separated or divorced.

The object of this book is to guide those parents who want specific steps to successfully co-parent. It contains real stories which illustrate how the lives of parents and their children can be destroyed when parents are: (1) not motivated to co-parent and (2) not trained to implement a co-parenting agreement. This guide is written from Arline Kerman’s qualified view as an attorney, Doctor of Psychology and mother. With these credentials, her resource exhibits a full understanding of family dynamics.

The opening chapter questions why co-parenting is such a problem for some parents. It exposes some possible reasons that may already be familiar to you. After reviewing this situation for over 30 years, the author determines that there is no single answer to the problems of co-parenting. So, the book begins the journey of sharing cooperative strategies and a co-parenting plan, both designed to promote cooperation between parents, as well as, address and resolve those child-related issues that usually cause problems. Her theme is “Stop the war! Fighting is NEVER an option!“

The most practical portion is contained in Chapter Two, which gives a list of 24 Cooperative Strategies for Parents. A few of these are: (1) consult and confer with the other parent in a positive and non-confrontational manner; (2) admit when you are wrong; (3) realize that flexibility means reasonableness and not weakness. The author actually walks you through implementing each of the 24 strategies and explains to you why they are important to the well being of your child.

Because I am a firm believer that no parent should point the finger without taking an introspective look at oneself, I am tickled that this guide calls for self-evaluation. I am sure you will have big fun answering the questions set forth like: “Why should you admit to your mistakes when it relates to the care of the child?” The 30 questions force you to judge and determine whether you are an antagonist or protagonist in the parenting battle. Seeing you is sometimes difficult, yet very essential to the process of peace.

If parents want to modify their attitudes about each other and their attitudes toward better co-parenting and communication, this book is an excellent resource. There is so much more useful information that I simply encourage you to seek and find in the 356 pages. I will tell you that the back cover of the book contains a CD with treasured information that you do not want to continue without.

This book is available on Amazon.com or for purchase directly from Dr. Kerman. Dr. Kerman is also a co-founder of the Institute for Co-Parenting Resolution and author of Should You Really Seek Custody of Your Child?, Do you Really Want to be a Stepparent? and Sally Rose-A Teenage Casualty of a Custody Battle.

Back to School Checklist for the Single Parent

Yes, it is time to get our kids back on a school schedule. This article is a reminder for some, and a very important checklist for the new single parent. I have gathered a lot of suggestions from our SingleDad.com members who wanted to share their tips for getting prepared for the school year.

Clothes Inventory

Keeping an inventory of clothes between divorced parent’s households has its own unique challenges. Depending on the relationship status, it is perfectly normal to label your child’s clothes for the sake of inventory exchange. I would strongly recommend disclosing your reason for marking the clothes. Your goal is to make every effort to keep an open dialog. Offering a bi-weekly clothes exchange will help keep both household’s clothes inventory balanced and communication between all parties peaceful. Make sure your markings are distinct to you, but not embarrassing to your child.

Clothes Shopping

Depending on where you live and the late summer/early fall weather, it is smart to wait to buy school clothes after the school year starts. Most department stores and clothes retailers will offer additional discounts on school clothes after the school year has started. If you don’t mind a smaller selection of styles and sizes, waiting can pay off big with your wallet. In addition, keeping an eye on some of the discount stores such as Ross, Marshalls and TJ Max can also save you money. If you don’t mind sorting through the selection, I have found these stores can offer some huge savings on quality clothes at less than half the department store price. Another concept that has been gaining popularity is called a clothes exchange. These are organized events that your local church or a community group will sponsor. It is like a clothes-only garage sale. Most of the time no money is required, you just bring your kid’s clothes to offer in exchange. Finally, the thrift store has become the new “cool” place to exchange clothes. Check your local thrift stores to see if they will offer you exchange credits for clothes that you bring in that you can use to pay for new clothes from the shop.

Your Child’s  Sleep Schedule

The best advice our members can offer on this subject is to start early. You do not want to attempt to get your kids started on a proper sleep schedule the night before school starts. There is nothing worse than hearing about the whining, complaining and lack of attention that will happen at school from the lack of sleep. Furthermore, it is embarrassing to attending your first parent/teacher meeting and having the entire discussion about your child’s well being. Sleep is as important as food and water. If you are newly divorced, make sure you and your ex set a time for your child’s bedtime. It is recommended that your child gets 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night.

Emergency Contact and Health Insurance Information

For a variety of reasons, some single parents do not have the participation of the other parent in child’s daily school life. This is where it is especially important to have your emergency contact available and shared with another family member, friend, or relative. I have a “Gal Pals / Guy Pals” in place which are other friends of mine that I can rely on as back up for any emergency related to my children and school activities. Make sure your emergency contact has a copy of your health insurance information, family doctor’s name and phone number. Another important tip is to save this information on your cell phone but make sure this information is typed in backwards so the information will be harder to understand by anyone else but you if you ever lose the phone.

At the beginning of every school year, your child’s school will ask for all of your personal information and it is perfectly normal and important to disclose on the information packet that you are a single parent and if you are sharing custody or have sole custody. Make sure your school knows your status and how they can contact you. Don’t make assumptions; make sure your child’s teacher has your contact information as well. It is also perfectly normal to request a teacher’s contact information like an email address. This information gives you the opportunity to send an e-mail with all of your contact information directly to your teacher and gives both parties a direct method of communication. This is especially important if you are co-parenting. Staying up-to-date on homework and school activities through e-mail avoids any miscommunication between parties.

I hope these suggestions were helpful and that your Back to School routines will go as smoothly as possible. For more information on Single Parent advice and resources, go to www.singledad.com.

Official WeParent Challenge: Where the Bleep Are We Going?

The challenge has been issued!  In “Where the Bleep Are We Going?”, Talibah Mbonisi invited the WeParent community to not just consider, but to actually create a family vision statement…if you don’t already have one.  She’s not meeting you on the playground afterschool, but she will meet you in the Official WeParent Challenge forum on WeParent Connect.  And, if you visit the discussion, you’ll be able to download a tip sheet to help you get going.

How to Be Present when You Aren’t There: Virtual Visitation Brings You Closer

Making sure you’re giving your children enough quality face time is difficult enough when you’re a parent living in the same home, but if you’re parenting from a distance, the challenge is even greater.  And, for children longing for the presence of a parent who is geographically too far to see live on a daily basis, the absence can be distressing.   While the ideal way to spend time with your child is in the physical realm, the realities of life, such as job relocations, marriage to a spouse living in another location, or the need to move to an area with a stronger support network, can all put significant physical distance between you and your child.  But, that doesn’t have to mean that emotional distance grows, too.  If you can’t beam yourself there, virtual visitation/parenting time is a great way to stay connected.

With the availability of free video chat services like Skype and GoogleTalk with video chat, for the cost of a video cam, you can hear and see your children from anywhere you can get an internet connection.  No, it’s not the same as being there, and it isn’t intended to replace live visits or justify moving away; but it is a simple, inexpensive way to move past the limitations of email, telephone and instant messaging to create a stronger and more consistent connection with your child.

What You Need to Get Started

In addition to a co-parent who is willing to support and facilitate the visits, the other ingredients for a complete set-up are:

• Computer 
• High-speed internet or broadband connection
• Webcam
• Headset/Microphone
• Video chat software

Services to Consider

There are several options for video chatting.  Here are a few worth considering:

Etendi Bridge (www.etendi.com)—This is a new service developed specifically for distance parenting.  In addition to video chat, Entendi Bridge includes games and an interactive whiteboard where you and your child can share in the fun.  There’s also a shared calendar.  And, you can leave recorded “Thinking of You” messages.  This is a subscription-based service, but they offer a free trial.

Gmail Voice and Video Chat(www.gmail.com/videochat)—All you need to get started with voice and video chat is a Gmail account from Google.  You’ll have to download the plug-in which only takes minutes.  From there, you can use instant messaging, voice-only or video to communicate with your child.  It’s simple, and even better…it’s free!

Skype (www.skype.com)–Skype is another free service that allows you to IM, talk or make video calls.  Their premium subscription service also allows you to call out to a land lines all over the world for a low monthly fee.  So, if you’re separated by oceans, or travel internationally, this might be a great option to give your kids phone access to you wherever you are.

While virtual visitation isn’t the only way to stay connected to your child when you can’t be with him or her, it is one of the richest ways to communicate in real-time. An excellent online resource for more information about this topic is The Virtual Visitation Portal, whose mission includes providing education and information about virtual visitation and how it can help parents stay in touch with their children. If you aren’t already doing it, consider talking to your co-parent about ways to incorporate this tool into your parenting plan.

Drop a comment below to share your thoughts and tips about distance parenting and virtual visitation. 

Online Tools Make it Easier to Manage the Business of Co-Parenting

Managing the day-to-day logistics of parenting is a ginormous feat.  And, when those logistics have to be coordinated between two households, it can even seem insurmountable and can lead to conflict between co-parents.

Fortunately, in this age of all things 2.0, there are a variety of online services and software designed specifically to aid separated and divorced parents with managing schedules and communicating other important details of their children’s lives.  While the motivation for some of these services was minimizing the required communication between parents prone to high-levels of conflict, any two-household family can benefit tremendously from features such as:
 

• Parenting time schedule management
• Event and activity scheduling
• Contact lists
• Expense logs
• Photo sharing
• Medical information tracking
• File sharing
• Virtual visitation
• Household rules and daily routine documentation

A few online co-parenting management tools to consider strongly are:

JointParents.com—Developed by co-parents, this site is easy to navigate, simple to use and offers a full range of features, including virtual visitation capabilities.  Just plug a video camera into your computer, and you and your child(ren) can video chat from within the site.  JointParents offers a 30-day trial for interested parents.

ShareKids.com—One of the first services like this, ShareKids also offers a broad range of capabilities.  Share kids also offers a free trial, and they provide scholarships for families who are “truly strapped financially.

Parentingtime.net (OPTIMAL)–OPTIMAL is an online custody calendar that is designed both to help manage your child’s schedule but also to help monitor compliance with with your custody agreement.  In fact, it includes reports specifically designed for presentation in court.  

And, although it isn’t designed for co-parenting, good old Google Calendar is a viable option with plenty of functionality all for f-r-e-e.

In addition to the online tools, there are several other software tools that you load directly to your computer including:

SharedGround–SharedGround is a calendar creation tool that uses wizards to guide you through setting up a parenting calendar that is printable or can be synched to your PDA.  While it can help you stay on top of your child sharing logistics, it doesn’t allow for both parents to have access.

KidMate–KidMate helps parents analyze the impact of different-time sharing arrangements and their impact on quality time spent with children.  And, uniquely, once you’ve decided on a plan, KidMate will generate a text version of the arrangement that can be inserted into your parenting plan agreement.

If you’re having difficulty coordinating between two households, need to minimize live conversations to help maintain the peace, or just want to make your family life flow more smoothly, consider trying one of these tools.

And, if you do, please be sure to come back here to share your experience with the rest of us!