Mediation 101: An Interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., Pt. 2

This is Part 2 of our extensive interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, who provided us with a basic lesson about mediation. There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’ve broken this one into a 4-parter, so be sure to read Part 1, too.  You can also check out our “Mediation 101″ episode of “Co-Parenting Matters” to hear Gene talk more about mediation.

WP: So, I want to clarify a couple of things you talked about.  I thought it was interesting when you said that in some divorce cases, there may be 2 mediators for gender balance.

Gene: As mediators, we pride ourselves on being impartial and neutral, so a well-established and effective mediator would probably tell you that it doesn’t matter what their gender is.  But, that’s a choice and an option the party has.  Going back and comparing this to litigation, you know you can’t pick your judge. In mediation, you can select your mediator.

WP: Can you give us a sense of what percentage of cases actually do get resolved via mediation versus a court order?

Gene:  It really depends on your jurisdiction.  So for example, in California, I believe almost all family cases when you go to court, they don’t even allow you to see a judge before going through some mediation or mediation-like process.

WP: Got it.

Gene: But in other jurisdictions, mediation may not be offered or may be offered as an afterthought.  So it varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.  I can say though that studies have shown that when a case does go to mediation, somewhere along the lines of somewhere between 70-80% of those cases do come to some sort of resolution and agreement.

And, if you reach an agreement in mediation, this is a benefit of mediation, the compliance rate is extremely high.  You’re looking at nearly a 90% compliance rate because this is what parties have agreed to on their own will.  No one has forced this agreement on them, so they are more likely to comply with it.

WP: We talked previously about situations where one party may have an attorney and the other may not.  But what about issues like the financial ability of one parent to sustain a mediation forever versus the other parent.  Are there ways that mediators are trained to insure that the process does come to closure?  And how does a parent who doesn’t have a lot of money to go on and on in this process insure that the power imbalance isn’t impacting or forcing them or putting them under duress to sign an agreement that they really aren’t fully bought into?

Gene: Right.  Power dynamic…this is a huge topic.  Mediators have entire 3-day and 4-day conferences around this subject, because it is very important.  First let me say that it is not a mediator’s job to balance power.  Once a mediator takes on a role of balancing power, he or she is no longer neutral and no longer impartial.  Because now I’m taking sides, and I’m trying to make sure that this person is not getting the short end of the stick or what have you.

That being said, in every relationship and every encounter, there is a power imbalance.  No two people enter into any negotiation on the same footing.  Like you said, one may have more money, one may have more resources, whatever the reason, there is hardly ever equal footing of power.

That’s okay, though. because that’s how we make decisions.  When we make a decision, we base it on that.  We base it on what we have and the dynamics in a relationship, etc.

WP: Right.

Gene: That being said, it is a mediator’s job to make sure that no one is using this process unfairly or not negotiating in good faith…and I put that in quotations.  So if the mediator feels that someone is using this process to get at another person or just to wear the other person down, then the mediator can find him or herself in an ethical situation where they may have to stop the mediation or determine if that the case is not appropriate for mediation, because a party is not negotiating in good faith.

For the most part, this plays out in cases of domestic violence.  In domestic violence, there’s a huge power imbalance and one party is usually coerced either by fear, intimidation or concern about their safety, so they are willing to agree to almost anything.  In those scenarios, that case should be screened out of mediation.

Cases where there is domestic violence in a relationship should not be referred to mediation.  In mediation, we feel as long as a person can freely negotiate without fear of  harm or safety, they are not coerced into anything as well as they are making an informed decision, they have all the information they need, then that case is appropriate for mediation.

WP: Got you.  What other examples of situations are there where mediation may not be a viable solution for parents?

Gene: Mediation may not be a viable solution, once again, if there is a domestic violence situation.  Mediation, obviously, will not be appropriate if one person does not want to go to mediation.  So those two things, other than that, I think mediation can work in almost any other scenario.

Even in scenarios where you may think you’ve decided on all of the parenting arrangements and all of the custody and limitations, everything except for the month of July, because maybe the father wants the child to spend the month of July with him.  You can go to mediation just to resolve that one issue, and all the other issues can be decided in litigation in court.

I think mediation allows that flexibility, so where you may think mediation may not be appropriate for all issues, there may be one or two issues that you can work out in mediation.

WP: So does that mean that for parents who, for example, want to modify orders at some point, years after or months after there’s been a court order, mediation is a potentially good option for addressing that.

Gene: Mediation definitely may be a good option for addressing that sort of thing; although, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and give mediators more power than they have in terms of overturning a court order or a court decision.  So what I would recommend is that if you go to mediation and you want to amend an agreement, that’s fine, but make sure you go to your lawyer or to court and go through the proper channels of doing so.

In some jurisdictions, it’s okay to come up with mediated agreement then present it to the court and say okay, this is how we want to amend our parenting plan.  You really need to check with your jurisdiction in terms of how that process is done, but I believe that mediation could definitely be an option.

Read Part 1 of this interview

Listen to our discussion with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”

MamaSpeak: This Game of Co-Parenting…Are You Playing to Win?

Doesn’t it suck when you think you’re winning a game only to find out halfway through it that you’ve been playing the wrong game? For thirty minutes, you and your partner, affectionately known as “Them”, have taken some serious risks, so you wouldn’t underbid and lose points for winning too many books. And, you’ve done it masterfully, talking high quality junk all the while. Confident, cocky even, in your mastery of the game and ability to diminish your opponents, “Us,” both on the table and verbally. It’s the fourth hand, and you and your partner start smirking at each other from opposite sides of the card table, because these fools, “Us”, went board and then took twice as many books. You start clowning, talking loud, because they’re about to be down another 80 points for sandbagging. But…What? Oh. Hell. No.

House rules…We don’t play that way. Wrong game, Baby!

Yes, that smooth, culturally relevant metaphor is all about co-parenting. The fact is, too often, we go along thinking we’re winning, only to find out we’ve got the rules wrong, or worse, we’re playing the wrong game altogether. We’re bidding our hands, but winning the game actually requires a little sandbagging. We’re playing Joker’s high, but really deuces win. We think spades are trump, but they keep changing it. Oh snap, we’re playing Spades and the game is Tonk! Damn.

And, of course, the problem is that the way you score points, how you win, how you play, everything changes depending on the game. Co-parenting is the same way. Too often, we find ourselves playing the “Better Parent” game. We rack up points, playing full out, in areas like:

• Who’s spending more time on our child?
• Who’ spending more money on our child?
• Who “knows” our child best? Who knows more about what goes on in his/her life? Mind? Heart?
• Who does our child prefer or even love more?
• Who cares more?
• Who’s the better parent?

But, guess what? Wrong game, Baby! In this house, we play the “Happy, Healthy, Whole Child” game. Here, you score points in categories like:

• How loved does my child feel?
• How whole does my child feel?
• How safe and secure does my child feel?
• How successful does my child feel?
• How confident is my child in his ability to deal with difficult challenges?
• How happy is my child?

Winning requires strategies and skills like teamwork, effective conflict management, high quality listening, meeting in the middle, focusing on solutions, and yes, do-or-die commitement. Talking across the board is allowed, if it’s respectful, and everybody knows the house rules up front. And, hell, if you’re winning and want to talk junk…we honor bragging rights. Because, where we live, in our house, “Us” and “Them” become “We” and, we play this co-parenting game to win. Our kids deserve nothing less.

So, in your next quiet moment of reflection or while you’re in the throes of an argument with your child’s other parent, stop for a minute and ask yourself what game you’re playing. And, if it’s the wrong one, change it up…and play to win!

Mediation 101: An Interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., Pt. 1

WeParent had the opportunity to chat with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, for a basic lesson about mediation.  There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’re breaking this one into a multi-parter.  And, adding to the goodness, Gene will be our guest on “Co-Parenting Matters” this Sunday.  Feel free to leave your questions along with your comments below.  And, for now, here’s Part 1 of our interview.

WeParent: Can you talk a little bit about what mediation is generally?

Gene: Sure. Mediation basically is a process where a trained and neutral impartial person, known as a “mediator”, assists parties in communicating, understanding and clarifying their interests, whatever interest they may have. The mediation process usually is confidential as well as voluntary, so that means whatever is said in a mediation cannot be introduced in a court of law or any other administrative proceeding.

Mediation works best, I believe, because you can create your own solutions that address your own needs. We help people have a conversation. Out of that conversation, they are addressing whatever interest they may have and trying to generate movement so people are talking about their interests and not being so positional and adversarial.

WeParent: For clarification, a mediator does not represent either party.  The mediator functions as a facilitator of the conversation that gets both parties to an agreeable solution, right?

Gene: This is true. Mediators come from all different backgrounds. Some mediators are lawyers by profession or by training. Some mediators are counselors. Some mediators are psychologists. Some mediators are social workers. Although that may be what they are trained to do, once they are sitting before you as a mediator, they take off those other hats, and they are there as a mediator.

WeParent: So how is mediation different from other dispute resolution processes? There’s arbitration, there’s just going and have a judge mandate orders. What’s different about mediation?

Gene: Well mediation is different because, once again, you get to create your own solution. If you go through the court or arbitration, usually you may have 10 or 15 minutes with a judge. Then they are going to decide what is best for you in your situation, and they may or may not know you from a can a paint.

In mediation, the mediator will not impose any solutions. You will come up with your own solutions, because we believe you know what is best for your situation.

Mediation also differs because you get to communicate directly with the other party, directly with the decision maker. If you go to court, you don’t usually get to speak to the decision maker. Even though the decision maker may be the judge, usually you will go through your lawyer; and then your lawyer will talk to the judge.

It’s also very cost efficient. The matter in mediation is usually resolved a lot quicker than going to court, so there are less fees in terms of the lawyer fees, etc. Also, you are able to schedule mediations on your own time, which means that if you want to schedule a mediation on Saturday or in the evening hours, you’re not beholden to a judge and whatever court dates that are available or even not available.

WeParent: Are there other emotional benefits? What benefits are there outside of the ones that you’ve listed which are already pretty numerous?

Gene: One benefit is that although mediation usually takes up less time than going to court with motions and adjournments and etc., a mediation actually gives you more time to really talk about how you feel, which is important. Whenever you’re in a dispute, the number 1 thing that usually gets in the way of your resolving the dispute is emotions.

Most of the time, judges are not equipped to really hear how you feel. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “the facts and nothing but the facts,” because that’s what they want. Sometimes cases are more nuanced than that, and you may need to express yourself.

One of the misconceptions about going to court is that people believe they are going to have their day in court, and they are going to have this Perry Mason moment where I’m going to get up and say this and say that. The reality is that doesn’t happen. There are so many guidelines; you can only speak at certain times. Usually you don’t get to speak at all. Your lawyer does all the speaking. Everything is very rigid. Everything is very procedural.

There are some courts where even if you submit documents, the documents need to be typed a certain way or in a certain font etc. In mediation, it’s just the opposite. Mediation is very informal. You are having a conversation with the other parent trying to reach a collaborative resolution, which is important. As we all know, after your day in court, usually you will not improve that relationship. The relationship will be a lot worse because you slung mud and have gone back and forth in the adversarial process.  Mediation, which opens up communication, will seek to restore, maybe even better the relationship with your ex-partner or the co-parent.

WeParent: It seems that going to court, to a large degree, is about winning and losing. But, it sounds like mediation has a foundational philosophy that collaboration is the best solution driver.

Gene: You’re definitely correct. Court by its nature, litigating, there’s going to be a winner and a loser. You’re either going to win, or you’re going to lose. And, some would even argue if you win, you still end up losing because you spent time and effort, and you probably did not improve the relationship that you have with your co-parent.

So, mediation seeks to shift the ground a little bit so that the process is collaborative, and you don’t have this jude to prove your case to or to prove that someone else is unfit. In mediation, what we’re looking for is the best interest of the child. And you’re not going to have a judge dictate what is in the best interest of your child. You will.

The other thing is when you go to court, you roll the dice, because nothing is guaranteed. You’re putting the fate of your child in someone’s hands, and judges are human. Mediations give you more control of the process and more control of the outcome.

WeParent: I’m curious about your thoughts on why more parents don’t mediate first, or do they? Is mediation typically a higher percentage of how parents resolve disputes? It just seems like even when my son’s father and I were first splitting up, the initial advice was go to court. Nobody was yelling, go to mediation first.

Gene: That’s definitely true. I think our culture is set up where if you have any type of problem, any type of conflict, any type of disagreement, you automatically get into adversarial mode. So, mediation is often an afterthought or not even mentioned at all. All that you can do when you’re in the situation is think about how can I get even with this person? How can I stick it to this person?

By doing that, you totally forget about the child. You totally forget about what’s in your best interest. Sometimes just because this person did some things that you may not agree with, that doesn’t mean that you cannot work together in a collaborative fashion. Particularly when you have child involved, it’s probably in both your best interests for you to get along and not be so adversarial.

The other thing is that mediation is a relatively new profession. It has been around possibly 40, no more than 50 years, so it’s new. So a lot of people are not aware of what mediation is and not aware of what a mediator does. They may confuse it with counseling. They may think of it as, “Oh, I don’t want to go to that touchy feely thing.” So a lot of people are not away and just have little knowledge of what mediation actually is.

Read Part 2 of this interview.

Check out our interview with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”.

Contact Gene A. Johnson, Jr., “The Mediator”, directly on LinkedIn, Twitter or Facebook or email him at GAJohnsonjr AT gmail DOT com.

Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 4

This is the final installment of a 4-part interview with my very own co-parent, Ed Banuel.  In Part 1, he talked about how we became co-parents, how having an absent father impacted him and our challenges as co-parents.  In Part 2, he shared his thoughts about growing as a father and dating as a single, co-parenting dad.  In Part 3, he talks about me and our co-parenting relationship.  And, here in Part 4, he shares his final thoughts with the WeParent family…

Talibah: So is there anything you would change if you could do it all over again as it relates to our co-parenting, how we’ve raised our child so far, how you have fathered him? If there is anything you could change, what would it be?

Ed: You know what? I try not to look at life in general like that, because I feel like everything happens for a reason, you know? I was where I was at the time, and I feel like we had to go through this journey to be where we are today. And, now that I know what I know, the only thing I can do is work to make it even better. You know what I’m saying? So is there anything that I would change? No. I wouldn’t change anything.

Talibah: I get it.

Ed: What happened, happened and was supposed to happen. Obviously, if it wasn’t supposed to happen, it wouldn’t have happened that way. The only thing I can do is learn and work towards becoming a better person, becoming a better co-parent, becoming a better dad.

Talibah: What does that look like?

Ed: Being a better parent? I think it’s just constantly seeking ways to expose our son to bigger and better opportunities than what I had and constantly being there for him. We have open communication no matter what the situation is. He feels like he can always go to his dad for advice, for a shoulder to lean on, to feel empowered and always get the truth.

My vision for my son is for me to be able to raise him up and give him the tools he needs to be whatever he chooses to be in life. And this is not about financially being able to give him. Of course, everyday you want to be in a financial position to provide your with child some of the things you didn’t have, provide your child with a better lifestyle. But even bigger than just a lifestyle, I want to give him tools that will help him be a successful man in this world.

Talibah: And what does better look like in our co-parenting relationship for you?

Ed: I think better just looks like just us just continuing down the path we’re already on: communicating, being respectful towards each other, speaking to each other in love, being friends and being supportive of each other; because that’s also important. Ultimately, if something happens to me or you, it affects our child.
I mean, I view you genuinely like family. Ultimately, I want what’s best for you which would ultimately be what’s best for my child.

Talibah: Beautifully stated. What advice do you have for fathers and mothers who are dealing with difficulty trying to work together as parents?

Ed: I think first and foremost, whether you agree with what the person is saying or not, the first step is to listen. You have to listen and really try to understand what the person’s needs are, what they are trying to communicate, because everybody has their own views on raising the child. Really try to listen and understand the point from where the person is speaking.

If they are always complaining about a certain issue, listen. There may be some validity to what they are saying. By listening, you can come up with solutions, and coming up with solutions, that’s the path for a better co-parenting relationship. It all comes down to what I originally stated…communication. Communication is not just about talking, talking, talking. Communication is talking and listening.

Talibah: So is there anything else that you want our readers to know that we haven’t talked about?

Ed: I think the only thing is I truly love my child. I truly love our co-parenting relationship. I’m an imperfect dad but always seeking to be a better father. And, I may not make the best decisions all the time, but I accept that. I accept my imperfections, but I’m always striving to be better.

Talibah: Lovely. I will say for the record too, that I am thankful that you are our child’s father, that the journey I’m on and what I’m trying to create through WeParent wouldn’t be possible if we haven’t had the experiences that we are having and have had. You may be an imperfect father, but you’re the perfect father for our son.  We may not be perfect, but we’re the perfect parents for this child. And we just have to figure out how and continue to use our co-parenting relationship as a way to get better as parents and as people.

With that said, thank you for being who you are and thank you so much for agreeing to do this interview.

Ed: Cool!

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 3

This is Part 3 of a 4-part interview with my very own co-parent, Ed Banuel.  In Part 1, he talked about how we became co-parents, how having an absent father impacted him and our challenges as co-parents.  In Part 2, he shared his thoughts about growing as a father and dating as a single, co-parenting dad.  And, in this third installment, he talks about me…

Talibah: So where would you say that where have you seen the biggest growth in me as your parenting partner?

Ed: Listening and not trying to control everything. You can’t control everything, and just because things don’t always go as expected, doesn’t mean that we are failures. We just are constantly evolving and learning something new that will ultimately help us in our parenting relationship.

Because no matter what, there’s going to be times when we won’t agree, and we need to step away and revisit the conversation again; think about what we’re trying to communicate. Think about what the other person is trying to say and really step away and come back to discuss it at a later time,because at that particular time, we may not be seeing eye to eye.

We may be really heated and upset. That’s just human nature. We will have outbursts. We will have blowups. But it’s just about how we manage those blowups, minimize them and really do more communicating than arguing. I feel like we definitely have come a long way with that.

My advice to other co-parents: It happens. It’s the reality. Even if you were in the same household with that person…it happens. People argue. People have disagreements, but it’s about how you handle those arguments and disagreements and the lesson that you learned from it. You can beg to differ with a person and still be respectful towards them.

Talibah: Um…I think you just went off.

Ed: Another thing, because we are two individuals, we have our own perspective on co-parenting scenarios. No person is right or wrong.

Talibah: What do you think the most important areas are for us to be on the same page about when it comes to our son? You talked a lot about how we definitely have different perspectives on things, not just co-parenting…life. We’re different people. But, how important do you think it is to be on the same page about certain things, and what are they?

Ed: Respect. I think it’s important that our son doesn’t feel like one parent’s opinion is more important than the other parent’s opinion, because children will play on that. He needs to understand that he needs to have just as much respect for his mother as he has for his father and visa versa. And, when we make a decision as a united front, that’s the law. I think that’s one of the most important things.

Talibah: One of the things that I noticed about you over time was that, not just in relationships, but in other areas, too. It seems like you got to a point where you just wouldn’t argue. You wouldn’t engage in drama. And, that’s kind of been a mantra for us, I think. “We don’t do drama.”

Ed: Uh huh.

Talibah: Now we have had what I call “drama-lite” but not big drawn out theatrical stuff. But, I’m just curious whether that’s accurate. Is that part of your philosophy of how to deal in relationships?

Ed: I agree. I don’t like drama. I try to stay away from it. Personally, I like talking through any issues and dealing with it head on versus letting it linger and blow up because there’s no need to have a bunch of drama. There’s no need. Drama, all it does is tear the relationship apart. And I’ve seen relationships go from being lovey-dovey one minute to non-existent because of drama.

I think I’m at the point now where I feel like life is way too short. We can disagree with each other but yet have respect for each other and try to work through it without drama. And, I think that’s one of the things I’m very proud about in our relationship. I may get on your nerves; you may get on my nerves, but we have figured out a way to communicate with each other to hear each other’s point, not make the other person feel like they’re getting the short end of the stick…and then move forward.

Read Part 1
Read Part 2

MamaSpeak: Meeting the Challenge–What I’m Thankful For…

I was going to make this week’s post all about being thankful for your co-parent. But, my friend, Deesha, of Co-Parenting101.org did it for me in a wonderful post “What I’m Thankful for:  a Co-Parent’s Challenge,” on SingleDad.com. After confessing her own appreciation for her ex, Mike, and his wife, Sherry, Deesha issues what for many of us may truly be a challenge:

At this time of year, even folks with the hardest of hearts and the biggest axes to grind might pause to reflect on their loved ones with gratitude, however grudgingly. We can probably all think of at least one family (if it’s not our own) where hatchets are buried, even if only temporarily, as the carving knife slices into the Thanksgiving turkey. Thanksgiving is also a time where many, if not most, children of divorce, like mine, are spending it with one parent, and not the other. So this Thanksgiving, I’m encouraging all co-parents who are observing Thanksgiving with their children to consider giving thanks, publicly, for their child’s other parent. Yes, I said it: Give thanks for your ex.

I try to thank my son’s father directly on a regular basis, because it makes me feel good and makes him act right. Kidding, of course…sort of.  But, I do think that expressing our appreciation to our co-parents does help us see that “they ain’t all bad” and reassures them that whatever effort they may be making is being noticed.

So, I’m taking Deesha up on her challenge, and I hope you will, too.

I am thankful for my son’s father and my co-parent, because:

• He not only shared in creating my child, who is my greatest love and inspiration, he stood by me through the entire pregnancy and hasn’t stopped being my partner in parenting since, even when things got tricky.
• He continues to demonstrate that he is not only capable of growth, he is patient with me in my own journey.
• He cares for our child in a way that lets me feel secure in knowing that he is safe and healthy when he is with his father.
• He never speaks unkindly about me to our son, even when he may have wanted to, and he consistently instills a respect for me in our son.
• He lets me be right most of the time.
• Despite his very private nature and initial reluctance to have our business exposed through my blogging, he agreed to do an interview with me to share his thoughts about our co-parenting relationship.
• He is determined and inspiring in his creative and entrepreneurial pursuits.
• He is my friend and partner in a way I could never have predicted.

And, with that, I say, “Thank you, Ed!”

And, to my WeParent Family, for all you do for your families;  for your commitment to taking the journey, whatever it may look like for you; and for being a constant source of support for that of me and mine…

Thank You!

Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 2

This is Part 2 of a 4-part interview with my very own co-parent, Ed Banuel.  In Part 1, he talked about how we became co-parents, how having an absent father impacted him and our challenges as co-parents.  In this second installment, he talks about growing as a father and dating as a single, co-parenting dad.

Talibah: Let’s talk about you as a dad. Where have you stumbled, and how did that help you grow as a parent?

Ed: I stumbled in a lot of areas. Financially, I was stumbling. When you are trying to get things going with your career and get the black cloud over your head of being financially in debt, sometimes, financially you will lack. And I have lacked. It wasn’t that I wasn’t present and there for him, spending time with him, but financially I was lacking across the board.

It took some time to just really figure it out, be really real with myself and figure out how to really provide for my child, how to make a better life for him and for me. I think that took some time for me. I had some challenges with that, but I feel like presently, it’s a better situation. I think a lot of it is just life challenges that you come across and you’ve just got to figure out a way to get through them without impacting your child and your child’s care.

Talibah: The financial stuff is a big one. There were times when I was giving you a hard time about it, but one of the things that stands out for me is that it wasn’t an excuse for you to stop being a dad. You really understood, it seemed, that that’s not all parenting is. A lot of fathers, especially now with the economy the way it is, can’t afford to pay child support and take care of themselves. So, for the mother taking care of the child, that creates an economic burden and sometimes that’s where the conflict occurs.

Ed: I think there may not be the best communication all the time. And, it can be challenging communication when one person feels like they are carrying all the expenses, even though the other person is trying. I’m glad we were able to at least talk about it and I could say, “Hey, this is what I’m able to do. This is what you’re able to do. I don’t want to stop my parental responsibilities, even though this is my situation. And I’m really trying to do the best I can do. This is what I’m able to contribute right now, but I still want to be present and be a father to my kid.”

Truth be told in any relationship, sometimes there is a shift. We were operating as co-parents, but even in a marriage, sometimes a spouse may lose their job or become ill, and someone has to handle more of the responsibilities. I think it comes down to just teamwork, communication and teamwork.

I think that’s what I’m most proud about our relationship. Through it all, and I know we’ve had our battles, but ultimately, we had great communication. I think we’ve operated as a team, and that’s why we are where we are. I think that’s why things have become better, and they will continue to get better.

Talibah: Right. We may not know for a long time how our split affected our son. But, I wonder, how do you imagine he thinks about or experiences our relationship?

Ed: Honestly, this is all he knows right now because he is so young. When we were together, he was what?

Talibah: Actually about 2-1/2.

Ed: So, basically all of his present life, what he can totally process of it, this is all he knows. He knows that daddy has his house, mommy has her house, and he never sees us acting a fool with each other. We show each other respect, even though we may have disagreements, but we’re never disrespectful. And when he is disrespectful to one of us, we make it clear to him that it’s unacceptable. So we try to look like a united front in front of him. I think he’s not really missing a beat by us functioning as co-parents.

Talibah: I think for me, he seems like a happy kid. If he doesn’t know anything else, I think the good thing is that he knows that he is really deeply loved by both of his parents.

Ed: Yeah. He has variety. The only downside of the co-parenting situation as it pertains to him is that kids, they try to connive you. They try to get over on one parent. For example, yesterday I was putting up his electric scooter and he mentioned that he wants to get the 15 mph electric scooter. I said, “No, you’re not.” He said, “Uh huh. Mommy is going to get me one.” I said, “No, she’s not.” And he said, “Uh huh.” I said, “Okay. Well I’m just letting you know that if you keep that tone up, you’re not going to not only ride this scooter, but you’re going to be completely shut down on both households.”

Talibah: He’s lucky I didn’t shut down that one. I don’t want my child riding an electric scooter!  Anyway, let’s talk about dating.

Ed: Uh huh.

Talibah: Fun. Right? I want to know what your experience has been dating as a single co-parenting dad. We have a kind of a relationship that a lot of people aren’t really used to. We communicate regularly. We actually like each other, expect to be involved fully in our child’s life.

Almost a year ago now, you were in a serious relationship and dating someone who actually had kids as well. What was that like?

Ed: I think the biggest challenge I’ve faced in the past with dating is just that they didn’t understand that we’re just friends. It’s no more, no less. I’m not trying to date you and then date my baby’s mom. I think a lot of times people didn’t understand. They misinterpreted our friendship, our relationship, as something more, and it presented some challenges.

I think a lot of times, either A, people, especially if they had children, they didn’t have that type of relationship with their children’s father; and B, if they didn’t have children, that was not the example that they were used to seeing where two co-parents really actually got along, really could talk and communicate with each other without a whole bunch of drama.

Talibah: Right.

Ed: That was some of my challenge. In terms of you dating whomever or I’m dating whomever, I personally feel like we’ve never had issues with that. It’s just a matter of as long as the person respected our child and wasn’t doing anything to hurt or harm our child. I think we both gave each other enough room to manage that, manage our own individual relationships versus stepping in and saying okay this person needs to be doing that, that person needs to be doing that. That wasn’t necessary.

Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part I

I am thrilled to be featuring my son’s father and my co-parent, right here in our “Real Families” column.  I had the pleasure of interviewing him about our co-parenting relationship, his experience as a father who is co-parenting and anything else he thought would be relevant to our readers.  Turns out that he had a lot to say, so this is Part I of a four-part series.

WeParent Family, meet my co-parent, Ed Banuel…

Talibah: Now, we know that my truth is not always the whole truth about the relationship. So, I want to give our readers the opportunity to hear about this co-parenting journey from you. So, how would you describe our co-parenting relationship?

Ed:  Well, I think the best way to describe our co-parenting relationship is by saying that we’ve grown a lot. I feel like we have officially gotten to a place where we are in our groove. It is constantly work in progress, will always be work in progress. I don’t believe any relationship is perfect, but I think we are in a place where we have an understanding of how to make it work for the benefit of our son.

Talibah: What do you see as the biggest issues that we had to work through to get to this point?

Ed:` I think the biggest issue was understanding that we as individuals are constantly evolving. Where I am today at age 34 is not where I was at age 25 or 26. And, even though we both had great parents–I have a great mom; and you have a great mom and dad–there is really no blueprint for how to raise a child and deal with a co-parenting situation. You know? And, the fact that our son was conceived very early on in our relationship posed another set of challenges. So I feel like it was a journey, but I think now we are finally in the place where we know how to communicate and  move through the challenges.

Talibah: So what was that like finding out that someone you’d only known briefly was pregnant with your kid?

Ed: Well, it was scary. It was scary because we didn’t really know each other, I mean, we were kind of forced to have to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly. I was still trying to find my way with my career, working at a 9 to 5 that was a cool job but wasn’t my passion and then also pursuing my film career and just trying to figure out the way to provide for myself. Then add on top of that another level of complexity of finding out I was expecting a child.

I was in a whirlwind, but I felt like you were responsible; and I felt like you were mature enough that we’d definitely be able to work this out and try to give it a good effort to make it work.

Talibah: When I told you, we didn’t just jump in to “Let’s live together, let’s be officially boyfriend and girlfriend, let’s get engaged,” but we did promise each other that we would always work on our friendship and do the best we could to partner in parenting our son.  What was it that made you decide to actually try to build a relationship?

Ed: I felt whenever I had a child, I was going to be there because of the absence of my father. There was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to be there and be committed to raising my child. So, outside of me, of course, really liking you, that was one of the reasons that kept me there. The idea of another man raising my child and me not being there was a big fear of mine. And, that was never going to happen.

Talibah: How do you think you father’s not being there has affected your experience of fatherhood and your growing into the father you are today?

Ed: You know, as a child, you don’t understand why your father or your mother may not be there for you. As an adult, I realized it didn’t have anything to do with me or my sister. It was a personal decision that he made, and there were some issues that he has to resolve with himself.

Seeing my mom raising me, her endless dedication, commitment, her sacrifice…She played the role of a mother and father; she had no other choice. That was instilled in me at an early age, and as a result, I felt like I had to without question show the same level of commitment to my son.

Talibah: You say she didn’t have a choice, but she did. Your father made a different choice. Why do you think so many fathers in particular are absent from their children, absent from their children’s lives?

Ed: I think a lot of it is not having examples. Life burdens just kind of take over, and we feel like we can’t provide for our child if X, Y and Z is not in place and not right. I just feel like a lot of fathers don’t have positive examples of what a good father is. And, half the time, it’s not just about money, because you can be a very wealthy man and not be a good father.  It’s about that relationship you have with your child and the time you spend nurturing that child. So, I think we don’t have a lot of examples.  A lot of African-American males don’t have that person in our life, that father in our life, to spend the time to nurture and guide us though life’s challenges. So, in turn, we do the same when it comes down to our children.

Talibah: But you made a different choice, and I’m glad. Now, we haven’t always been in our groove. What were some of the more difficult times? What did you have to figure out to get through them?

Ed: I think a lot just came with time. The older I get, I realize, okay, it’s not just about me pursuing my career. I have to be present with my child. It’s about spending time to mentor him, to raise him, to be present with him when he’s with me.

Talibah: What about examples of some challenges that we came across in our co-parenting relationship and what you learned from them that might be helpful to other people.

Ed: I think the key challenge was communication. We have different ways of operating and different ways of handling his situations. For example, you tend to write things down and plan ahead, very far ahead at times. I tend to play it on a day-to-day weekly basis.  So, I think the biggest one was just figuring out a happy medium in our communication where you get what you need, I ultimately get what I need and above all, where our son wins.

Talibah: Let’s talk about you as a dad. Where have you stumbled, and how did that help you grow as a parent?

Read Part 2 of this interview to find out Ed’s answer.

MamaSpeak: It Takes a Village to Support Co-Parents

Many people became familiar with the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” after Hillary Clinton popularized the African proverb in 1996. “Indeed, Clinton’s use of that particular proverb is one of the best known examples of American politicians borrowing from ancient, African intelligence,” says Dr. Askhari Hodari, author of Lifelines: The Black Book of Proverbs. Acknowledging Clinton’s debt to African wisdom, Hodari says, “This proverb actually originated with the Kiswahili speaking people of East Africa and from the area in West Africa now known as Nigeria. Even all these years later, this popular proverb communicates an important message to direct and guide parents.”

And,my son’s father and I are among them. Over the course of our co-parenting relationship, we have found that looking to the village for help and support has made co-parenting easier. Whether it’s to family, friends, teachers or coaches, we make sure our commitment to co-parenting is clear, and we ask for help in fulfilling that commitment. Assistance might come in the form of an agreement to communicate with both of us, learning our son’s schedule, respecting us as co-parents or just lending an understanding ear when the challenges of co-parenting join forces with Murphy’s Law.

For us, it means that our son’s piano teacher actually knows who he’s with on which days and works with that parent to schedule lessons, minimizing the need for either of us to act as the middle-person. His soccer coach texts and emails both of us with team-related messages. And, his teacher works with us to arrange parent-teacher meetings that work for both of us. It also means that both our families respect the parenting time schedule we’ve agreed upon and coordinate with the appropriate parent to schedule activities with our son. Sure, all of this support means that logistics are much easier to manage than before we really embraced this idea of village-supported co-parenting, but it has also resulted in a lot less conflict around logistics. (Somebody say, “Amen!”)

So, here are a few ways we help the village help us; maybe they’ll work for you, too:

• Be up front about the fact that we are co-parenting and sometimes need help. I won’t hesitate to explain to the kind ladies in our son’s school office that I have a co-parenting dilemma and could use their help. The dilemma might be that I’d like to leave medication that my son needs to take to his father’s house with them rather than leave it in his backpack. If they can, given their time and the school policies, they will always help.

• Provide coaches, teachers, etc. with contact information for both parents AND specifically request that they communicate with both of us. Usually, this means that we’re both getting the same information at the same time…the good, the bad and the ugly. This way, we’re both on the same page. And, one of us doesn’t carry the burden of knowing and therefore managing everything.

• Share the parenting time schedule with both parents’ families, teachers, coaches, etc., so everyone understands and respects the “on duty” parent as the primary point of contact during their scheduled time. While you certainly can’t expect others to memorize your schedule, our experience has been that just knowing that there is a schedule will at least trigger the question, “Now, who is he with on Thursdays?” which then leads to a conversation with the appropriate parent. For us, this means family, too. Our families are both willing to communicate not only with the parent who’s related to them, but also with the parent whose time they might be interested in “borrowing.” Our families even have access to the shared online calendar we use to manage our schedule.

• Expand the village by sharing resources. Whether it’s a connection to the parent of a great playdate or a fabulous babysitter, we’ve found that sharing some of our individual resources adds to the richness of our village.

Even though it may not feel like it sometimes, the truth is, we don’t have to do this alone. It may be family, coaches, dance instructors, doctors, neighbors or our church community; whatever the form, the village is there to support us. We just have to let it. And, in case you forget, here are a couple more proverbs from Lifelines to remind you, courtesy of Dr. Hodari:

Cross the river in a crowd and the crocodile won’t eat you.
—Africa

When the load fatigues the head, the shoulder takes over.
—Nigeria (Igbo)

So, WeParent family, who’s in your village?  How do they help you?  And, how do you help them help you?

Co-Parenting Myths & Misconceptions

This Sunday, we debuted our new talk show, “Co-Parenting Matters” co-hosted by WeParent founder, Talibah Mbonisi; Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas, our friends from CoParenting101.org. If you missed the show, which focused on co-parenting myths, you can check it out right here. Whether the myths are held by other people or co-parents themselves, many of them get in the way of partnering effectively. So, check out the show, and in the meantime, here are a just a few of the myths the crew discussed:

· Co-parenting is for White people. Referencing a 2006 article in the Washington Post by Joy Jones, Talibah suggested that many of us have difficulty identifying role models for effective co-parenting. There seems to be a widely held belief that drama is the only or primary option for parents who are no longer together. Of course, this is on our list of myths, because we don’t believe it and are committed to proving that there are other possibilities and to exposing the power of partnering for the sake of our children. But, yeah…she said it.

· If you’re willing to make your co-parenting relationship work “for the sake of your children”, then you should have been able to make your marriage work for the sake of your children. Mike talked about the reality that in his co-parenting relationship, part of what makes getting along possible that the expectations of a romantic relationship no longer exist. So, the two of them are able to actually focus on the children, not on the drama of a relationship that wasn’t working.

· There must be an ulterior motive…y’all know you still want each other. Along the same lines as the point above, many people believe that if you get along as co-parents, then clearly you’re still sleeping together…or planning to. While this may be true for some parents who haven’t resolved some key issues in their romantic relationship, this isn’t a given. As Deesha pointed out, divorce/separation/break-ups are difficult, and we like to think that most people don’t end their relationships on a whim. We know it isn’t always true, and we also know that it can be difficult to navigate the intense feelings and doubts that accompany such a major decision. But, we say, give co-parents the benefit of the doubt; let them be innocent until proven guilty. Trust that their interest in partnering is truly for their children, and support that effort.

· If s/he would act right, then I would, too. So many of us wait to make changes in our parenting relationships until the other parent does. Ultimately, all we get is stalemate and the same-old-same-old, even though what we really want is entirely different. Once we start believing that what we do doesn’t matter, we give up our power to make changes that may positively impact our children. Talibah talked about her experience of seeing high-conflict co-parenting relationships completely shift, not because both parents chose to behave differently, but rather because one parent made a change inspiring the other to follow.

To hear more, listen to the show. And, definitely check out  “5 Myths about Co-Parenting…or, What to Tell the Naysayers” on CoParenting101.org.

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