It’s hard to believe that it’s already back-to-school season! But, it seems the Halloween decorations on display at my neighborhood grocery store have somehow become the signal that once again school buses are running, homework is calling and, well,…co-parenting can get a little more complicated.
Fortunately, it’s also a sign that the second season of “Co-Parenting Matters” is starting, too! That’s right, after a wonderful summer hiatus, my co-hosts, Deesha and Mike, from CoParenting101.org, and I will be back on the internet waves talking all things co-parenting this Sunday, August 24th from 9:30pm to 11pm ET.
And, to kick things off for the new season, we’ll be talking about all of the planning and collaborating co-parents need to do to ensure a smooth back to school transition for their children. Our guest, Brooke Randolph, is an Indiana-based therapist and parenting coordinator who will share tips about keeping life organized between two households and partnering to create a great school year for your kids.
So, be sure to tune in this Sunday at 9:30pm ET via phone at (646)378-0580 or listen to our live stream.
If you need to get caught up on last season before this new one begins, check out our archived episodes!
And, if you have any back-to-school tips or questions for Brooke, drop them in the comments or email them to us at contact AT coparentingmatters DOT com.
I had never heard of co-parenting until I was smack in the middle of it. Many different reasons lead to my daughter’s father and I ending our relationship. For a while after our relationship ended, I still acted like we were together. Assuming he would be as involved as when we were together. Assuming I could just go over and hang out at his house. Assuming that the feelings he had for me were still there. Guess my head gets stuck up in the clouds sometimes.
It took a long time for me to accept our situation and even longer to view it as a co-parenting situation. I was bitter, and I was downright mad at the situation. I was angry that we weren’t still together and that when it came to our daughter, we had two varying opinions. I said left; he went right. We didn’t talk to each other. We barked. We scowled. We yelled. I was so sure that my way was the best way. I mean, I’m her Mother. I was the one who carried her for 9 months, breastfed her, read her bedtime stories, did her hair in the morning, knew she liked her apples cut in thin slices not thick. And what did he know? Nothing…if you asked me back then. I didn’t value his place in her life, and it all comes back to me being bitter and angry that we weren’t together.
I couldn’t harbor all those negative emotions inside of me forever. It wasn’t healthy for me or my daughter. It was draining all of my energy being so mean, so I had to let it go and embrace the idea of co-parenting. I had to accept him as her Father and her Dad and an equal being in our daughter’s life. Because she isn’t just my daughter, she is our daughter; and we both have a responsibility to keep her healthy, safe, and happy.
Co-parenting matters because my daughter’s happiness is my number one priority. She and her Dad have this unbreakable bond that I don’t understand at all. But I have learned that I don’t need to understand their bond. That’s something special that only they share. When I see them together, when I see my daughter’s face light up as she yells, “Daddy”…well, that’s why co parenting matters. My daughter is lucky and has two parents who think she is the most precious thing on this planet and want nothing more than to see her smile every day.
I want us to be able to have a pleasant conversation, I want us to be able to all go out to dinner together and laugh and have a good time. I want to be able to call him without it being a yelling match. And I want our daughter to know that Mommy and Daddy are ok with being around each other. We owe that to her.
As parents who are actively co-parenting or working to get there, we typically focus on managing the areas that will lead to a smooth day-to-day existence for our families. And, those of us who have solid parenting plans in place, may have even tackled the big issues. But, are you and your co-parent prepared for an emergency? As much as we hate to think about the possibility, our children are the ones who stand to benefit if both parents are prepared.
Here are some recommendations for information both parents should have with them or easily accessible at all times:
- A way to contact the other at all times. If one or both of you are selective about which calls you answer or text messages you read, agree upon a code that will indicate that the call or message is a child-related emergency.
- A copy of your child’s health insurance information. Be sure to carry it with you at all times
- A list of contact information for all doctors, dentists, therapists and any other health care providers and other emergency contacts (e.g., family members, etc.). You should also make sure other caretakers have this information.
- Names and dosages of all medications and details about serious allergies and/or physical, emotional or cognitive impairments and limitations. If necessary, also be sure both parents ensure that your child wears a medical alert bracelet or anklet with critical information.
- Pharmacy contact information. Consider printing this information along with the previous three items on a small card and carrying it with you in a wallet or purse.
- Up-to-date immunization records.
- Written permission for a non-guardian caregiver to make emergency medical decisions if appropriate. (e.g. stepparent, grandparent)
- Copies of birth certificates. This is particularly important when traveling.
- Copies of any relevant court order outlining custody and decision making authority.
- Current (annually) head and shoulders photograph.
Having this information accessible won’t prevent emergencies from occurring, but it will certainly help to expedite the process of treating your child. And, that could make all the difference.
In addition to being a requirement for custody and child support orders in many states, a parenting agreement or plan can be an extremely helpful tool for managing a parenting partnership. Whether your state requires one or not, we recommend that parents lay a foundation for a solid co-parenting partnership that includes a parenting plan. In many ways, a parenting plan is to co-parents what a business plan is to a corporation, a living document that establishes guidelines, expectations for managing the business of raising healthy, happy children.
A good parenting plan is clear; anticipates the needs of your children, and you over the life cycle of your co-parenting relationship; sets a path for improved communication and partnering over time; and focuses on the win-win-win scenario. It is comprehensive, gently balancing specifics with enough flexibility to accommodate all of the shifts and changes that life and growth involve. Some of the areas that your plan should address include:
- Education
- Medical, dental and vision care
- Rules and discipline
- Decision-making processes and dispute resolution
- Religious training
- Child care
- Special occasions, school events and vacations
- Extracurricular activities
- Transportation and transitions between homes
- Communication between parents
- Communication between parents and children
- Rights of grandparents, extended family and close friends
- Role of parents’ new partners
- Counseling for children and parents
- Custody arrangements
- Process for modifying the plan
- Insurance
- Co-Parenting philosophy and commitment
Ideally, parents should develop the parenting plan themselves, using the help of professionals like mediators, divorce or co-parenting coaches, counselors or attorneys focused on supporting your co-parenting efforts. As parents, we know our children and our own circumstances better than a third party with no experience with your family. Of course, the process involves being able to separate your adult relationship from the best interests of your child. And, it may take time to get to that place; so many experts recommend starting with a temporary agreement for a few months rather than pressuring yourselves to arrive at a final plan while you are still in the most difficult period of emotional healing and transition.
There is an abundance of resources available to help you and your co-parent create a parenting plan that works for your family. Resources range from online or downloadable software, to downloadable templates and books. And, of course, you should use professionals like mediators, attorneys, counselors and financial planners to support your efforts.
Parents who successfully partner in developing a co-parenting plan often find that it limits both the financial and emotional costs of a court fight, for them and their children. Though getting there may be difficult, having a plan in place can reduce tension between you, because the rules of engagement are clear and agreed upon. Knowing that there is a plan to which you have both contributed helps to reduce some of the worry that may come when your children are away from you. It is a process, but in the end, a parent-negotiated, parent-endorsed parenting plan can be the foundation of an effective co-parenting relationship.
We are thrilled to welcome Sheree Fletcher as our guest on the April 18th episode of “Co-Parenting Matters”, “Adventures in Co-Parenting and Whooping Ash”. In 1992, Sheree married actor Will Smith. After the dissolution of their marriage 3 years later, Sheree shifted her focus from her career to managing life as a single parent to their son. While many celebrity divorces make the news for their contentiousness, Sheree’s co-parenting relationship is publicly admired for its warmth and congeniality, even after both parties have remarried. Sheree joins us to talk about co-parenting in a high-profile situation; her transition from single parenting to remarriage; and balancing family life with her entrepreneurial pursuits.
Sheree is the Founder and CEO of Whoop Ash, a natural organic beauty care product that annihilates ash (for the uninitiated, “ash” is a colloquialism expression for dry skin). Deesha’s family has fallen in love with Whoop Ash. Her daughters keep hiding the jar from each other. She also bought some for her new hubby who had a seemingly undefeatable ash situation, but—you guessed it—it was no match for Whoop Ash.
Sheree has been kind enough to give away two jars of Whoop Ash to two lucky WeParent.com and CoParenting101.org readers. Visit both sites for two chances to win! We wanted to make the giveaway fun, and we were inspired by actress Holly Robinson Peete’s tweets about chasing her husband’s car down the street because he’d forgotten to de-ashify the kids before leaving the house! A lot of folks on Twitter could relate! (Peete is a Whoop Ash fan as well; her tweets are how our friend, Deesha, discovered the product.) So, here’s all you need to do to enter the Whoop Ash and Win Giveaway…
Leave a comment telling us an “ash” story from your childhood or one involving your own child(ren). Deadline: April 18th 5 PM EST
And that’s it! We’ll draw 2 winners at random from among the entrants and announce them on the April 18th show.
So plan to join us as we welcome Sheree to the show to discuss “Adventures in Co-Parenting…and Whooping Ash!”
We really love Lifelines: The Book of Black Proverbs, a treasure of wisdom from African peoples across the globe. The book offers short but potent advice, warnings, and witticisms that apply to every area of life…including co-parenting. So, keep your eyes open for our new regular feature where we share a proverb and apply it to the art of co-parenting. And, now for the debut of “Lifelines for Co-Parenting.”
When two quarrel, it is the first
to stop who is the wisest.
–South Africa
Conflict happens. That’s a given. Too, often that conflict shows up as incessant arguing between parents. Everybody’s in it to win it and only willing to stop if the other one does. We all know just how effective that strategy is.
Yes, it’s true, we can’t change the fact that conflict will rear it’s head. What we can control, though, is how we respond to it. So, if the argue-them-into-submission strategy isn’t really working for you, here are a few others that might serve your co-parenting relationship better.
1. Figure out why you’re arguing…and then check yourself. Just stop! We argue for different reasons. Some people think arguing is healthy. They like to play devil’s advocate, even though the conversation is clearly going to hell. Sometimes, loud talking is just a reflection of our belief that we aren’t being heard. Of course, yelling at or over the other parent doesn’t get us the listening ear we think we’re missing. But, no one said any of this had to make sense. Then, there are those of us who use arguing as a way to stay connected by any means necessary. Knowing that we can get a rise out of the other parent gives us some sick sense of still mattering to him or her. And, then, there are the verbal batterers. They don’t hit, but they seek to execute a verbal beatdown that may be as damaging. Figure out your angle, and then seek to make a shift by asking yourself what you really want from the other parent if things were ideal. If your angle isn’t getting you that, then hush, breathe and take a time out.
2. Shift perspective by putting yourself in the other parent’s shoes. We all bring different values, judgments, motivations and objectives to this party. And guess what? The other parent is just as sure and certain and passionate about the “fact” that s/he is right, as you are. So, focusing your efforts on proving your right-ness is an uphill, if not losing, battle. Instead, role play a little. Look at the issue from the perspective of the other parent. Consider what she or he might be feeling. What does s/he care about? What objections might s/he have? What solutions or alternatives might be workable for him or her? Just like a room looks different if you’re in a headstand, turning your co-parenting conflict upside down may help you see something you couldn’t see when you were “right”-side up.
3. Establish rules of engagement. You already know that your time-for-battle muscles start to tingle when you feel a disagreement coming on. Try a preemptive strike by setting some ground rules up front. Try agreeing that neither parent will interrupt the other for a specified amount of time…and then use a kitchen timer to keep yourselves honest. Take notes if you just have to, but better yet…listen. You just might hear something that enlightens you. The worst case scenario is that you earn some good will by allowing the other parent to feel heard. Pinky swear that neither parent will call the other one names or make sweeping, generalized comments about the other. And, finally, promise to focus on the issues and the solutions and not who should take all the blame for initiative the problem. That is a waste of time and energy that just won’t move you forward. And, in the end, it does nothing for your children.
Like the proverb suggests, it takes two to quarrel; but only one to end it. Hopefully, these strategies will help you be the wiser of the two.
What tips can you share for managing disagreements with your co-parent?
This week on Co-Parenting Matters we’re discussing co-parenting drama…and the prescription for it. Join us for “Co-Parenting Drama Rx” this Sunday at 9:30pm EST. We’re going to be sharing your questions about co-parenting challenges and dilemmas with a panel of experts who will offer their answers, advice and insights. And, we hope you’ll call in to share yours, too.
Our Drama Rx panel includes Brooke Randolph, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, or Dr. A, as we like to call him and RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad. Brooke is a licensed mental health counselor and parenting coordinator with a wealth of experience in helping parents sort out their co-parenting relationships. Dr. A is a family therapist, professor and founder of the Family Center of South Dekalb based in the Atlanta area. And, RJ Jaramillo is the founder of SingleDad.com, a website and community dedicated to single parenting and especially to supporting newly divorced, remarried and widowed fathers. They’ll all be here, and we’ll be throwing all types of questions and scenarios at them for advice. Don’t miss this opportunity to have your questions answered.
Send us your questions, concerns and tricky co-parenting situtations. You can email them to us at info AT weparent DOT com or drop them in the comments section.
This is Part 2 of our extensive interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, who provided us with a basic lesson about mediation. There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’ve broken this one into a 4-parter, so be sure to read Part 1, too. You can also check out our “Mediation 101″ episode of “Co-Parenting Matters” to hear Gene talk more about mediation.
Gene A. Johnson, Jr. aka "The Mediator"
WP: So, I want to clarify a couple of things you talked about. I thought it was interesting when you said that in some divorce cases, there may be 2 mediators for gender balance.
Gene: As mediators, we pride ourselves on being impartial and neutral, so a well-established and effective mediator would probably tell you that it doesn’t matter what their gender is. But, that’s a choice and an option the party has. Going back and comparing this to litigation, you know you can’t pick your judge. In mediation, you can select your mediator.
WP: Can you give us a sense of what percentage of cases actually do get resolved via mediation versus a court order?
Gene: It really depends on your jurisdiction. So for example, in California, I believe almost all family cases when you go to court, they don’t even allow you to see a judge before going through some mediation or mediation-like process.
WP: Got it.
Gene: But in other jurisdictions, mediation may not be offered or may be offered as an afterthought. So it varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. I can say though that studies have shown that when a case does go to mediation, somewhere along the lines of somewhere between 70-80% of those cases do come to some sort of resolution and agreement.
And, if you reach an agreement in mediation, this is a benefit of mediation, the compliance rate is extremely high. You’re looking at nearly a 90% compliance rate because this is what parties have agreed to on their own will. No one has forced this agreement on them, so they are more likely to comply with it.
WP: We talked previously about situations where one party may have an attorney and the other may not. But what about issues like the financial ability of one parent to sustain a mediation forever versus the other parent. Are there ways that mediators are trained to insure that the process does come to closure? And how does a parent who doesn’t have a lot of money to go on and on in this process insure that the power imbalance isn’t impacting or forcing them or putting them under duress to sign an agreement that they really aren’t fully bought into?
Gene: Right. Power dynamic…this is a huge topic. Mediators have entire 3-day and 4-day conferences around this subject, because it is very important. First let me say that it is not a mediator’s job to balance power. Once a mediator takes on a role of balancing power, he or she is no longer neutral and no longer impartial. Because now I’m taking sides, and I’m trying to make sure that this person is not getting the short end of the stick or what have you.
That being said, in every relationship and every encounter, there is a power imbalance. No two people enter into any negotiation on the same footing. Like you said, one may have more money, one may have more resources, whatever the reason, there is hardly ever equal footing of power.
That’s okay, though. because that’s how we make decisions. When we make a decision, we base it on that. We base it on what we have and the dynamics in a relationship, etc.
WP: Right.
Gene: That being said, it is a mediator’s job to make sure that no one is using this process unfairly or not negotiating in good faith…and I put that in quotations. So if the mediator feels that someone is using this process to get at another person or just to wear the other person down, then the mediator can find him or herself in an ethical situation where they may have to stop the mediation or determine if that the case is not appropriate for mediation, because a party is not negotiating in good faith.
For the most part, this plays out in cases of domestic violence. In domestic violence, there’s a huge power imbalance and one party is usually coerced either by fear, intimidation or concern about their safety, so they are willing to agree to almost anything. In those scenarios, that case should be screened out of mediation.
Cases where there is domestic violence in a relationship should not be referred to mediation. In mediation, we feel as long as a person can freely negotiate without fear of harm or safety, they are not coerced into anything as well as they are making an informed decision, they have all the information they need, then that case is appropriate for mediation.
WP: Got you. What other examples of situations are there where mediation may not be a viable solution for parents?
Gene: Mediation may not be a viable solution, once again, if there is a domestic violence situation. Mediation, obviously, will not be appropriate if one person does not want to go to mediation. So those two things, other than that, I think mediation can work in almost any other scenario.
Even in scenarios where you may think you’ve decided on all of the parenting arrangements and all of the custody and limitations, everything except for the month of July, because maybe the father wants the child to spend the month of July with him. You can go to mediation just to resolve that one issue, and all the other issues can be decided in litigation in court.
I think mediation allows that flexibility, so where you may think mediation may not be appropriate for all issues, there may be one or two issues that you can work out in mediation.
WP: So does that mean that for parents who, for example, want to modify orders at some point, years after or months after there’s been a court order, mediation is a potentially good option for addressing that.
Gene: Mediation definitely may be a good option for addressing that sort of thing; although, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and give mediators more power than they have in terms of overturning a court order or a court decision. So what I would recommend is that if you go to mediation and you want to amend an agreement, that’s fine, but make sure you go to your lawyer or to court and go through the proper channels of doing so.
In some jurisdictions, it’s okay to come up with mediated agreement then present it to the court and say okay, this is how we want to amend our parenting plan. You really need to check with your jurisdiction in terms of how that process is done, but I believe that mediation could definitely be an option.
Read Part 1 of this interview
Listen to our discussion with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”
Doesn’t it suck when you think you’re winning a game only to find out halfway through it that you’ve been playing the wrong game? For thirty minutes, you and your partner, affectionately known as “Them”, have taken some serious risks, so you wouldn’t underbid and lose points for winning too many books. And, you’ve done it masterfully, talking high quality junk all the while. Confident, cocky even, in your mastery of the game and ability to diminish your opponents, “Us,” both on the table and verbally. It’s the fourth hand, and you and your partner start smirking at each other from opposite sides of the card table, because these fools, “Us”, went board and then took twice as many books. You start clowning, talking loud, because they’re about to be down another 80 points for sandbagging. But…What? Oh. Hell. No.
House rules…We don’t play that way. Wrong game, Baby!
Yes, that smooth, culturally relevant metaphor is all about co-parenting. The fact is, too often, we go along thinking we’re winning, only to find out we’ve got the rules wrong, or worse, we’re playing the wrong game altogether. We’re bidding our hands, but winning the game actually requires a little sandbagging. We’re playing Joker’s high, but really deuces win. We think spades are trump, but they keep changing it. Oh snap, we’re playing Spades and the game is Tonk! Damn.
And, of course, the problem is that the way you score points, how you win, how you play, everything changes depending on the game. Co-parenting is the same way. Too often, we find ourselves playing the “Better Parent” game. We rack up points, playing full out, in areas like:
- Who’s spending more time on our child?
- Who’ spending more money on our child?
- Who “knows” our child best? Who knows more about what goes on in his/her life? Mind? Heart?
- Who does our child prefer or even love more?
- Who cares more?
- Who’s the better parent?
But, guess what? Wrong game, Baby! In this house, we play the “Happy, Healthy, Whole Child” game. Here, you score points in categories like:
- How loved does my child feel?
- How whole does my child feel?
- How safe and secure does my child feel?
- How successful does my child feel?
- How confident is my child in his ability to deal with difficult challenges?
- How happy is my child?
Winning requires strategies and skills like teamwork, effective conflict management, high quality listening, meeting in the middle, focusing on solutions, and yes, do-or-die commitement. Talking across the board is allowed, if it’s respectful, and everybody knows the house rules up front. And, hell, if you’re winning and want to talk junk…we honor bragging rights. Because, where we live, in our house, “Us” and “Them” become “We” and, we play this co-parenting game to win. Our kids deserve nothing less.
So, in your next quiet moment of reflection or while you’re in the throes of an argument with your child’s other parent, stop for a minute and ask yourself what game you’re playing. And, if it’s the wrong one, change it up…and play to win!
WeParent had the opportunity to chat with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, for a basic lesson about mediation. There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’re breaking this one into a multi-parter. And, adding to the goodness, Gene will be our guest on “Co-Parenting Matters” this Sunday. Feel free to leave your questions along with your comments below. And, for now, here’s Part 1 of our interview.
WeParent: Can you talk a little bit about what mediation is generally?
Gene: Sure. Mediation basically is a process where a trained and neutral impartial person, known as a “mediator”, assists parties in communicating, understanding and clarifying their interests, whatever interest they may have. The mediation process usually is confidential as well as voluntary, so that means whatever is said in a mediation cannot be introduced in a court of law or any other administrative proceeding.
Mediation works best, I believe, because you can create your own solutions that address your own needs. We help people have a conversation. Out of that conversation, they are addressing whatever interest they may have and trying to generate movement so people are talking about their interests and not being so positional and adversarial.
WeParent: For clarification, a mediator does not represent either party. The mediator functions as a facilitator of the conversation that gets both parties to an agreeable solution, right?
Gene: This is true. Mediators come from all different backgrounds. Some mediators are lawyers by profession or by training. Some mediators are counselors. Some mediators are psychologists. Some mediators are social workers. Although that may be what they are trained to do, once they are sitting before you as a mediator, they take off those other hats, and they are there as a mediator.
WeParent: So how is mediation different from other dispute resolution processes? There’s arbitration, there’s just going and have a judge mandate orders. What’s different about mediation?
Gene: Well mediation is different because, once again, you get to create your own solution. If you go through the court or arbitration, usually you may have 10 or 15 minutes with a judge. Then they are going to decide what is best for you in your situation, and they may or may not know you from a can a paint.
In mediation, the mediator will not impose any solutions. You will come up with your own solutions, because we believe you know what is best for your situation.
Mediation also differs because you get to communicate directly with the other party, directly with the decision maker. If you go to court, you don’t usually get to speak to the decision maker. Even though the decision maker may be the judge, usually you will go through your lawyer; and then your lawyer will talk to the judge.
It’s also very cost efficient. The matter in mediation is usually resolved a lot quicker than going to court, so there are less fees in terms of the lawyer fees, etc. Also, you are able to schedule mediations on your own time, which means that if you want to schedule a mediation on Saturday or in the evening hours, you’re not beholden to a judge and whatever court dates that are available or even not available.
WeParent: Are there other emotional benefits? What benefits are there outside of the ones that you’ve listed which are already pretty numerous?
Gene: One benefit is that although mediation usually takes up less time than going to court with motions and adjournments and etc., a mediation actually gives you more time to really talk about how you feel, which is important. Whenever you’re in a dispute, the number 1 thing that usually gets in the way of your resolving the dispute is emotions.
Most of the time, judges are not equipped to really hear how you feel. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “the facts and nothing but the facts,” because that’s what they want. Sometimes cases are more nuanced than that, and you may need to express yourself.
One of the misconceptions about going to court is that people believe they are going to have their day in court, and they are going to have this Perry Mason moment where I’m going to get up and say this and say that. The reality is that doesn’t happen. There are so many guidelines; you can only speak at certain times. Usually you don’t get to speak at all. Your lawyer does all the speaking. Everything is very rigid. Everything is very procedural.
There are some courts where even if you submit documents, the documents need to be typed a certain way or in a certain font etc. In mediation, it’s just the opposite. Mediation is very informal. You are having a conversation with the other parent trying to reach a collaborative resolution, which is important. As we all know, after your day in court, usually you will not improve that relationship. The relationship will be a lot worse because you slung mud and have gone back and forth in the adversarial process. Mediation, which opens up communication, will seek to restore, maybe even better the relationship with your ex-partner or the co-parent.
WeParent: It seems that going to court, to a large degree, is about winning and losing. But, it sounds like mediation has a foundational philosophy that collaboration is the best solution driver.
Gene: You’re definitely correct. Court by its nature, litigating, there’s going to be a winner and a loser. You’re either going to win, or you’re going to lose. And, some would even argue if you win, you still end up losing because you spent time and effort, and you probably did not improve the relationship that you have with your co-parent.
So, mediation seeks to shift the ground a little bit so that the process is collaborative, and you don’t have this jude to prove your case to or to prove that someone else is unfit. In mediation, what we’re looking for is the best interest of the child. And you’re not going to have a judge dictate what is in the best interest of your child. You will.
The other thing is when you go to court, you roll the dice, because nothing is guaranteed. You’re putting the fate of your child in someone’s hands, and judges are human. Mediations give you more control of the process and more control of the outcome.
WeParent: I’m curious about your thoughts on why more parents don’t mediate first, or do they? Is mediation typically a higher percentage of how parents resolve disputes? It just seems like even when my son’s father and I were first splitting up, the initial advice was go to court. Nobody was yelling, go to mediation first.
Gene: That’s definitely true. I think our culture is set up where if you have any type of problem, any type of conflict, any type of disagreement, you automatically get into adversarial mode. So, mediation is often an afterthought or not even mentioned at all. All that you can do when you’re in the situation is think about how can I get even with this person? How can I stick it to this person?
By doing that, you totally forget about the child. You totally forget about what’s in your best interest. Sometimes just because this person did some things that you may not agree with, that doesn’t mean that you cannot work together in a collaborative fashion. Particularly when you have child involved, it’s probably in both your best interests for you to get along and not be so adversarial.
The other thing is that mediation is a relatively new profession. It has been around possibly 40, no more than 50 years, so it’s new. So a lot of people are not aware of what mediation is and not aware of what a mediator does. They may confuse it with counseling. They may think of it as, “Oh, I don’t want to go to that touchy feely thing.” So a lot of people are not away and just have little knowledge of what mediation actually is.
Read Part 2 of this interview.
Check out our interview with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”.
Contact Gene A. Johnson, Jr., “The Mediator”, directly on LinkedIn, Twitter or Facebook or email him at GAJohnsonjr AT gmail DOT com.
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