This Week on Co-Parenting Matters: From Ex to Next…Dating after Break-up or Divorce

We’ll be watching the SuperBowl this Sunday, but don’t fret, Co-Parenting Matters will be back on Sunday, February 13th…just in time for Valentine’s Day!   And, the even better news is that we’ll be talking about dating after a break-up or a divorce.  Our guests, Kim Hess aka the “Divorce Guru” and Mike Masters the “Master Dater”, will share tips and encouragement for those of us trying to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and hit the dating scene.  We’ll also talk about the book Kim and Mike co-authored, From Ex to Next:  An Empowered Woman’s Guide to Dating after Breakup or Divorce.

Need some advice sooner?  Kim and Mike are running a HOT deal on the e-book right now…grab it for $.99!  We don’t know if they just feel sorry for us, or if it’s a typo; but you should probably grab your copy now!

And of course, if you get bored with the Super Bowl commercials or the game, itself, we encourage you to catch up on some of the great archived shows you may have missed.  And, then, tune back in on Sunday, February 13, at 9:30pm ET.  And, of course, right now, while you’re thinking about it, go to blogtalkradio.com/coparentingmatters and set a reminder!

We hope you’ll join the conversation, too!  Call in at (646)378-0580, listen to the live stream and chat with us online, or tweet us (@coparentingshow).  That’s Sunday, January 30, at 9:30pm ET.

Fatherhood Freestyle: When Do You Introduce “The Next”?

I’ve been single since 2000, and in that time my kids, current ages 26 and 19, have been introduced to a total one of my girlfriends! Have I only had one girlfriend? Heck no! But, only one made the cut to actually meet my kids. Let me clarify that. Early on I decided that there would be no revolving door of dates/women/boos or spoogies that my children would come to know while I searched for the next great love of my life. I remembered movies like Claudine, Kramer vs Kramer and even The Parent Trap. No one was meeting my kids unless they were someone–someone special, someone who would be around for the long haul.

I remembered my own childhood with my mom’s string of suitors…”This is Mr. Joe,..This is Harold…This is Uncle Bobby – who was clearly no relative I’d ever seen. I remembered that they all were of no significance to me; they were just the one at the time. I did form attachments to some, the ones who appeared to take a genuine interest in me, and who weren’t too creepy. But, even that became something for me to temper and be cautious about, because just ‘cause I liked them didn’t mean that my mom would keep them around. So, I’d meet and greet, superficially interact and watch to see how long they would last. And, I resolved that my kids would not have that experience.

The reactions to my position were varied, much to my surprise, ranging from agreement,–“I fully get that and support you”; to not so subtle manipulation–“I’ll know you love me when you introduce me to your kids”; to flat out rejection–“I’m not going to be second place behind your children.” Keep it moving, Sister! These experiences were confirmation for me that I’d made the right choice. I needed to keep these women at bay until I met Ms. Right, the one who would be my next wife.

So six years went by before I met and attempted to introduce my kids to a woman who met my criteria. On several levels I thought it was time, six years had gone by, several candidates had come and gone, and I was ready to broach the subject. In fact, my son had given me permission two years back saying, “ Dad, if you and Mom aren’t going to get back together, I think you should date; ‘cause I want you to be happy. In fact, how about her?” as he pointed to some attractive woman at the ATM. My son, gotta love him. So, when I met X who I felt was special and could be the one, I decided to act. I called my ex first to inform her of my decision and put her on alert for possible reactions from the kids. I also felt this was the right thing to do out of respect. I didn’t owe this and I wasn’t asking for permission, but this was a decision that would affect our children for whom we both cared. I then told both of my kids I had met someone and wanted them to meet her. They agreed, and we arranged to meet for dinner.

As the time drew closer, and I called my son to tell him I was on my way to pick him up, he admitted to me he was a little anxious about this and asked me to take my time. Five minutes later he called to say he was ok and ready. He was obviously nervous at first but appeared to loosen up and relax. On the other hand, my daughter, who’d agreed to meet us at the restaurant, never showed up. She didn’t respond to calls or text messages, and it was months before we came to some resolution on this matter. Without going into the details, it was clear that time alone hadn’t healed all wounds.

The incident validated my fears about how my kids would accept being introduced to another woman. But are my fears valid? I accept that the introduction of a third party to children after a divorce can be and usually is a slippery slope, but does delaying contact help? My rationale had been to delay and wait until there was someone significant. But another reason was my own fear of screwing up the delicate peace and appearance of balance I had with my children, as I lived outside of ‘their’ house.

I don’t believe I was wrong for waiting and limiting my kids’ exposure to the ups and downs of my dating experiences. But,I wonder if I also created a ‘that’s my daddy monster’ in the process. I’m beginning to feel that normalizing the reality of mom and dad having other people in their lives through discussion and maybe even addressing it in counseling, if that is appropriate, could help.

In case you hadn’t figured it out yet, I’m no expert; I don’t have THE answer. In fact, I’m looking for as much dialogue and input as I can get. See, I’ve met the next Ms. Right and I…well, you get the picture. Please offer thoughts, opinions, comments, I’ll even take bad advice…

What/when do you think is the right way to introduce ”The Next”?

WeParent Wednesday: Speak Your Mind!

How long should you wait to introduce your new love interest to your children?

What’s the best way to make the introduction?

New Forum Discussion: Bringing Another Person into your Child’s Life?

Visit WeParent Connect to answer this question:  Just wondering what you all think about timing in regards to introducing a boyfriend/girlfriend to your child’s life? And should the other parent meet the bf/gf before your child does?

Single Parents Dating After Divorce: Myths versus Reality

How do myths get started? They’re basically stories that take form as fact when they are repeated but rarely questioned by people who appear to have some authority on the subject. People make decisions and assess relationships based on myths and this can be frustrating, disappointing and even destructive. Expectations become skewed and distorted because people are influenced and guided by information that is not only untrue, but also sets ridiculous standards that are not based in reality. Myths are particularly prevalent and can be damaging when it comes to single parents dating with kids in the mix.The challenges of dating when you already have children, are countless.

The myths that couples experience in step-dating* are also not unlike the ones experienced in step-families. And, therefore, having good information, fact not fiction, about what you can and should expect, is even more important. Instead of the couple enjoying the luxury of concentrating solely on each other, they have to nurture their new relationship while balancing time with kids who may be transitioning between households. They have to figure out the relationship dynamics with the kids and be aware of the multiple missteps and pitfalls that can derail the new dating relationship. And most importantly, they have to understand that the success and sustainability of a new dating relationship is dependent on having realistic expectations, being flexible as the relationship evolves, being proactive about the challenges and understanding myth expectations versus reality.

(*step-dating:  a term used to describe couples who are dating with children in the mix. It can represent two single parents dating or a single parent dating someone who doesn’t have any children of their own.)

Some of the common myths that impact on single parents’ dating are:

1. Myth Expectation: We should love each other’s children as much as we love each other, and/or we should love our partner’s children as we would our own.

Reality: Just because dating single parents develop a close and loving relationship, it doesn’t mean that they will instantly or ever love each other’s children. Relationships take time, and when kids are less than impressed when a parent starts to date, this can slow the process of becoming close and connected. Over time, as friendship and trust grow, a deeper relationship may develop between a partner and the kids; but understand:  it can’t be manufactured just because the parents have great chemistry. Love for the kids may follow, and when it does it’s a huge bonus; but it should not be a condition for the adult relationship. In lieu of love, dating partners can care for the well-being of their partners’ children and have respect for what is in their best interests. This creates a much more solid foundation for the success of the relationship and the well-being of the children involved, than the perceived need for love.

2. Myth Expectation: We’ll be one big happy family, like the Brady Bunch, if we spend a lot of time together.

Reality: Kids need time to adjust to a new dating relationship and the worst thing is to throw them immediately or constantly into the mix. They may feel insecure, displaced or even threatened by the loss of time and attention because of a new love interest; so it’s important to spend time alone with them and maintain the security of consistency around their schedule at home. Slowly introduce a new partner and gradually spend time together, being aware of the child’s comfort level. There are distinct stages of development in transitioning into a new relationship and they are different for everyone; kids especially need to move slowly. Remember, they are not usually on the same emotional time table as the couple is

3. Myth Expectation: We need to be equal partners in co-parenting our kids.

Reality: The biological parent has the singular job of disciplining and the dating partner should act only as a friend, assuming the role of coach or mentor. It’s acceptable to emotionally support a dating partner in their parenting role, but taking an active part in disciplining a partner’s kids is guaranteed to inspire resistance in the child, and ultimately resentment between dating partners. It should be avoided at all costs. The issue of children and discipline should be discussed early on so there is no confusion about who is in the parental role. Most often people don’t talk about these issues and just hope things will go well; but this is a recipe for disaster and can create even more confusion for the child(ren) involved.

4. Myth Expectation: Our deep love for each other and devotion to the relationship will take care of any challenges we come up against.

Reality: Single parents dating with kids in the mix face a multitude of challenges on many different levels. Although it’s romantic to believe that problems and issues will work themselves out because of the power of love, the reality is that the more informed couples are, the more prepared they will be to deal with inevitable hiccups. Being aware of issues, understanding the reality of myths, knowing what to anticipate and how to take action is a more effective relationship insurance policy than depending solely on the magic of love. Love is undeniably an important aspect of any relationship, but awareness, acceptance, commitment and the willingness to take the time necessary to get to know each other and to begin to appreciate what is required in a relationship that involves children, are absolutely critical ingredients for success.

The Dating Myths that single parents and singles face when children are in the mix are just one aspect of dating after divorce. Having a reality check goes a long way towards debunking these and other myths and is an important first step in establishing more realistic expectations for your step dating relationships. As two people envision how they see things evolving over time and set realistic and developmentally appropriate expectations, they will be taking the first steps in creating happy, healthy and sustainable relationships that are good for everyone involved.

Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW is a Certified Stepfamily Coach and a Licensed Relationship Coach. She founded The Step and Blended Family Institute. Yvonne coaches step dating couples with children, offers Remarriage Preparation and coaches existing stepfamilies to achieve success. To learn more about how to safeguard your step-relationships or to find out more about the myths that threaten step dating relationships go to http://www.stepinstitute.ca.

Read more from Yvonne about step-dating at CoParenting101.org.