Do the Math, Shaq: Death threats and Kids = Co-Parenting No-no

Now, we aren’t ones to spread gossip, but we couldn’t resist sharing our CoParenting101.org friend, Deesha’s latest post on The Faster Times.  We don’t know if the rumors about Shaq sending death threats to his ex-wife’s new boo are true or not, but we *do* know that Deesha brought a whole lot of heat and wisdom in “An Open Memo to Shaq Re:  Using One’s 6-Year-Old Child to Deliver Death Threats.”  The bottom line:  It’s the kids who suffer most when we act a damn fool inappropriately in our co-parenting relationships.

Here are a couple snippets from her post:

This behavior is straight out of Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, the book I write in my head everyday while I’m driving.  Just when I think I’ve finished the manuscript, a story like yours comes along…

Let’s say for argument’s sake that the allegations against you are true.  Exactly what response were you hoping for from Shaunie’s boyfriend upon hearing this threat?  Was he supposed to quake in fear?  Disappear from Shaunie’s life?  Step to you so you could kill him?  A more likely result than any of the above is that the threat served only to confuse or frighten your child.   After all, he may be spending considerable time around this man whom Mommy likes and Daddy wants to kill.   Guess who your words affect the most, Shaq.  Here’s a hint: It’s not the boyfriend.

And, then she breaks down “10 unsolicited pieces of advice to any co-parent who thinks it’s a good idea to use a child to relay messages (of the threatening or non-threatening variety), or to pump children for information. ”

Truth is, even if we think we are co-parenting saints, a refresher never hurts.  So, our unsolicited advice?  Read this!

And, if you aren’t following Deesha’s co-parenting edutainment regularly, you should be!

MamaSpeak: Meeting the Challenge–What I’m Thankful For…

I was going to make this week’s post all about being thankful for your co-parent. But, my friend, Deesha, of Co-Parenting101.org did it for me in a wonderful post “What I’m Thankful for:  a Co-Parent’s Challenge,” on SingleDad.com. After confessing her own appreciation for her ex, Mike, and his wife, Sherry, Deesha issues what for many of us may truly be a challenge:

At this time of year, even folks with the hardest of hearts and the biggest axes to grind might pause to reflect on their loved ones with gratitude, however grudgingly. We can probably all think of at least one family (if it’s not our own) where hatchets are buried, even if only temporarily, as the carving knife slices into the Thanksgiving turkey. Thanksgiving is also a time where many, if not most, children of divorce, like mine, are spending it with one parent, and not the other. So this Thanksgiving, I’m encouraging all co-parents who are observing Thanksgiving with their children to consider giving thanks, publicly, for their child’s other parent. Yes, I said it: Give thanks for your ex.

I try to thank my son’s father directly on a regular basis, because it makes me feel good and makes him act right. Kidding, of course…sort of.  But, I do think that expressing our appreciation to our co-parents does help us see that “they ain’t all bad” and reassures them that whatever effort they may be making is being noticed.

So, I’m taking Deesha up on her challenge, and I hope you will, too.

I am thankful for my son’s father and my co-parent, because:

• He not only shared in creating my child, who is my greatest love and inspiration, he stood by me through the entire pregnancy and hasn’t stopped being my partner in parenting since, even when things got tricky.
• He continues to demonstrate that he is not only capable of growth, he is patient with me in my own journey.
• He cares for our child in a way that lets me feel secure in knowing that he is safe and healthy when he is with his father.
• He never speaks unkindly about me to our son, even when he may have wanted to, and he consistently instills a respect for me in our son.
• He lets me be right most of the time.
• Despite his very private nature and initial reluctance to have our business exposed through my blogging, he agreed to do an interview with me to share his thoughts about our co-parenting relationship.
• He is determined and inspiring in his creative and entrepreneurial pursuits.
• He is my friend and partner in a way I could never have predicted.

And, with that, I say, “Thank you, Ed!”

And, to my WeParent Family, for all you do for your families;  for your commitment to taking the journey, whatever it may look like for you; and for being a constant source of support for that of me and mine…

Thank You!

Real Families–“This is how I was raised”: Olivia’s Co-Parenting Story

This interview is cross-posted from one of our fave co-parenting sites, CoParenting101, home of WeParent expert panelist Deesha Philyaw.   Here’s what Deesha has to say about her chat with co-parenting mom, Olivia, and an excerpt from the interview:

I (Deesha) met Olivia about four years ago, through a mutual friend.  I knew this bright, witty woman was a mom, but only just this past month did I learn that she is also a co-parent.  I sat down with Olivia recently to talk about her co-parenting experiences, straight no chaser:

How long have you been co-parenting?

Khailil is 7 now.  His dad, Jabari, and I split up when he was almost one.  We moved back to my hometown from Seattle, and about a year later, Jabari relocated here from Seattle as well.

What led you to move back?

I was being selfish, thinking about myself and my son.  Jabari and I became distant, things just weren’t working out, and I had no support in Seattle.  I wanted Khailil to grow up amongst a close-knit family, as I did.

How did you and Jabari decide to co-parent?

Once Jabari moved here, Khailil began spending a couple of nights with him each week, plus every other weekend.  We never went to court, never even thought about court.  And we’ve never fought about money.  He sends a check each month, and when his sales commissions are cut, we reduce child support.  We made a pact to never use Khailil as a tool.  We focus on his needs.

Deesha Philyaw

Deesha Philyaw is a Pittsburgh-based freelance writer whose publication credits include Essence, Bitch, and Wondertime magazines, and The Washington Post.  Deesha’s writing has been anthologized in Literary Mama: Reading for the Maternally Inclined (Seal Press), and Just Like a Girl: A Manifesta!(GirlChild Press). She is an adjunct professor in Chatham University’s Master’s of Professional Writing program, and she teaches adult writing classes at the Pittsburgh Center for the Arts.

In addition to freelancing and teaching, Deesha is the co-founder, along with her ex-husband, of CoParenting101.org, a resource for parents striving to raise their children together, cooperatively, after divorce or separation.  She also writes a monthly column at AntiRacistParent.com, a website for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook. Prior to these endeavors, for four years, Deesha wrote a monthly column that was in part based on her experiences as an adoptive mother, for LiteraryMama.com.

Deesha is the mother of two wonderful daughters, ages 5 and 10.  In her pre-mama, pre-writing life, Deesha worked briefly as a management consultant and as an elementary school teacher.

Real Families: Learn Co-Parenting 101 from Deesha Philyaw

Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas have been described as poster children for co-parenting.  Fortunately for the rest of us, these parenting partners aren’t being stingy with the lessons they’ve learned along their journey through divorce into co-parenting.  Motivated by the urging of those who saw their effective brand of together-parenting, the two share insights and advice through their blog, Co-Parenting 101 and are working on book that breaks down their strategies for successful co-parenting.

During a recent interview, WeParent had an opportunity to talk to Deesha about co-parenting challenges, possibilities and what makes this parenting partnership work.

 

WP:  On your site, you mention how you became the “poster children” for divorce among your friends.  What does that really look like?

Deesha: We vacation with the kids every summer.  We try to have dinner every now and then.  My boyfriend and I have had parties and cookouts, and Mike and his fiancé come over.  So, we are constantly in each other’s faces.  It was either get along or be miserable.

WP: OK.  Now, you know people are going to be wondering what’s really up!  In fact, in a recent post on CoParenting101, you talked about naysayers.  Why do you think it’s so difficult for people to believe that you can actually be friends, parenting partners and exes?

Deesha: We get a lot of people still asking if this is “normal.”  Usually, when people ask that kind of question, they are really asking, “Is this typical?”  And, sadly the answer is “no.”  They are also asking, “Is this really about the kids?  And, it is.  “Or do the two of you still have a thing for each other?”  And, for us, the answer to the latter question is also, “No.”  It shouldn’t be so hard for people to believe that exes can get along solely for the sake of their kids, with no other “hidden” motives.  But, that’s not typical.  Drama, hostility, and kids as pawns and casualties in the War Between the Exes—unfortunately, that’s typical.

WP:  So, how did you get there?  What is the magic formula, because it is so hard for so many.

Deesha: We are so atypical.  I feel like we cheated in some ways.  When he moved out, we agreed to the basics with the girls… the custody split, vacations, holidays, keeping things civil, our dating lives… but there was still a lot of pain and anger there…It didn’t happen instantly. Initially, we were just civil for the girls.  They never saw conflict between the two of us.  They never saw or heard it in the marriage either.  But, during the early days there were angry phone calls, ugly emails, and our not communicating well exacerbated things.  And, finally, about three years after our separation, we sat down and hashed some things out.

WP: So, you had a shared vision for how you were going to deal with your children. And, it sounds like you gave yourselves time and space to heal.

Deesha: Healing is so vital. We have to heal ourselves post-break-up for all the obvious reasons, but one really important reason is that we have to model healing and wholeness and cooperation for our children.

WP: And, what about the children?  You and your co-parent focused on keeping them out of the conflict. But, it is so not that way for many, many families.  Everybody ain’t able!

Deesha: Yes, we were always on the same page about the kids. That part, we were in sync about from day one. Conflict isn’t good for kids, so we knew we had to keep that at bay.  I think the reason some people don’t shield their kids from the conflict is: 1) they are simply out of control with anger;  2) they don’t care if the kids see the conflict, because “their Daddy needed to be told off!”  3) they want the kids to see the conflict to see what a terrible person Mommy is…”Kids need to know the truth!”  And that’s wrong on so many levels.  But you have no right to sabotage your child’s relationship with their parent.  They are two separate relationships, but people conflate them.  They think, “If Daddy disappointed and betrayed me, I’m going to teach you not to trust him.” Stuff like that. Toxic. And often it backfires.. And when it doesn’t backfire, the kid is alienated from a parent.

WP: But those kids grow up to be adults, and then some of them sort it out for themselves, see more of the truth, and others repeat the cycle…

Deesha: Right…Thank God kids are resilient. But for some, it becomes a terrible cycle.  Sometimes, I think people are victims of overly simplistic thinking, “If I want to break-up with you or divorce you, it’s because you are a bad person.” Sometimes two “good” people simply can’t make it work. But unfortunately, many feel the need to demonize their ex to justify the break up.

WP:  But, it is possible to move past that. You two did it!

Deesha: We slowly got comfortable with each other.  Not wanting to expose the kids to high conflict kept us on our good behavior.  But, then, in time, the tension dissipated.  We can get along now because the reasons we got divorced, the “couple” stuff is a non-issue.  We are free to be what we were in the beginning…friends.

WP:  And, now, you’re also co-authors and blogging partners!  So, tell us about CoParenting101.  I have found it to be a great resource.  The information is really helpful, and the advice is always so honest and on-point.  How was the site born?

Deesha: The idea for the book was Mike’s.  It preceded the website.  I figured the site could help us generate content for the book and help encourage other families in the process. Another reason we started CoParenting101.org was so people wouldn’t think co-parenting cooperatively was such an anomaly.

WP:  Since we’re putting all your business out here…The two of you are each involved in serious relationships which you’ve blogged about.  What impact has that had on your co-parenting relationship?  What role do they play?

Deesha: They play a big role…if only to have some extra folks to drive these kids around!

WP:  Amen!

Deesha: But seriously, I like the idea of bonus families instead of “step”, because there are extra people in your children’s lives who love them and care for them.  And it combats that negative connotation that comes with “stepmother”, for example. Wicked and such.  For us, I think the significant others were like a litmus test. We agreed when we separated that the kids would only meet the person we each felt was The One, as much as you can know that. We would not expose the girls to the potential revolving door of our dating lives.  So, part of that “vetting” process was learning if this person could jibe with our co-parenting arrangement. That has made a huge difference; a positive impact, to answer your question.  And, we trust each other’s choices because we each got to meet the person. We each took years to make the introduction! Now, that is truly atypical, but it worked for us.

WP: And, hopefully, more of us will find ways that work for us.  You’re living proof that there’s another way…that it’s possible. And, it’s helpful to know that it didn’t happen miraculously.  It’s something you had to work on.  It required some healing to achieve.  We have to allow for the process.  No overnight sensations in this co-parenting thing!  Thanks to you and Mike for creating Co-Parenting 101. It is such a necessary resource. This journey is a bumpy one, and it helps to have the type of support your site provides.  We’ll be snatching up the book, too, as soon as it hits the shelves!