Staying Close to Your Kids…from a Distance

Our family uses a pretty evenly split parenting time schedule to ensure that our son spends time with both parents on a weekly basis and that we both have hands-on intimate involvement in all aspects of his life.  So, we both get to spend time with him regularly.  Still, when he’s away from me, the truth is, I miss him and I want him to know that even when we’re apart, I’m still loving him.

I imagine that I’m not the only one, so here are a few suggestions for maintaining a connection with your children while you’re away from them:

• Use a mix of scheduled and spontaneous contact. Scheduled contact should be agreed upon by both parents.  It should be at regular times and be convenient for everyone involved.  You might be missing your child, but you aren’t doing him, her or your co-parent any favors by disrupting breakfast, dinner or bedtime.  So, work this out up front.  Similarly, spontaneous contact is nice, but, again, work with your co-parent to ensure that your calls are not disruptive or too frequent.

• Go online with email and internet-based tools for connecting. Be sure to teach your children online safety.  And, you may want to consider using a tool specifically to keep families connected.

• Give your children their own phone line. Two kid-centric cell phone companies we’re aware of are Firefly and Kajeet.  If you go with this option, be prepared to establish rules on acceptable cell phone use and to teach your children cell-iquette and safety.  And, ideally, get buy-in from your co-parent.  If you and your child’s other parent don’t communicate or consistently have high-conflict contact, this may be a great option.

• Schedule an off-time date. If you are apart from your children for extended periods, consider a periodic dinner or a coffee…well, orange juice, date to break things up.  Coordination with your child’s other parent is key, as is adhering strictly to agreed upon pick-up and drop-off times.

• Keep a “Thinking About You” journal. Don’t just think about your children, write a note, paste photos, add newspaper clippings…whatever helps you chronicle and illustrate just how much you’re thinking about them.  During their next stay with you, share.

• Create a letter writing kit…for both of you. Purchase a notebook, a keepsake box, stickers, colored pencils, etc. and teach your children the lost art of letter writing.  You’ll not only create a special activity that just the two of you share, you’ll both collect wonderful keepsakes to go along with the memories.

• Give your child a personalized gift that s/he can touch, feel and/or hear on a daily basis to remind them that you care. Some options might be: a locket, special box, stuffed animal or just a specially framed photo of the two of you.

These are just a few options, but there are so many more.  Be creative, allow your children to inspire you and take the lead in staying connected.  Our children need to be reminded that even when we’re apart, our hearts and minds remain with them.

Fatherhood Freestyle: Parenting Time–Quality vs. Quantity

As some of you know I parent from abroad. My children live in Champaign, Illinois and I live in Kyoto, Japan. I visit them about four times a year (weeks at a time) and they spend summers with me in Kyoto. It would be an understatement to say that our time is limited, but it would be equally untrue to suggest that we do not make the best out of the time that we have.

By default I have become the “fun parent.” I don’t say this as a slight to their mother, (she does a lot of fun things with them as well) but because I see my children during holidays and school breaks we tend to take trips to interesting places, visit relatives, and get our leisure on to the fullest. When I get together with my children I am generally all theirs. Even though they are getting older (12 and 10) we do all kinds of silly stuff together like scaring each other when we walk out of public bathrooms and playing hide and seek in bookstores and malls. And of course I am the biggest kid in the group with my daughter sometimes urging me to pipe it down and chill.

But we didn’t always have this much fun. Earlier in their lives I was working hard as an Assistant Professor trying to acquire tenure. The pressures of work insured that I was not always available. My kids would want to play and I would either be deep into a book or transfixed by the computer screen. In order to cope I had to develop a fairly rigid routine that unfortunately did not always include a lot of playtime and or opportunities for bonding. Our weekdays were straightforward: wake up, breakfast, school, homework, dinner, bath, sleep—wake up repeat. On weekends we might head to a park, catch a movie, or visit friends, but because of the nature of my work I was not always there and my kids knew it.

In recent years my work situation has improved. The downside, however, is that I now live in a different hemisphere and see my children far less than when I was struggling to get my career on track. I now have “more” time for them but “less” time with them and it doesn’t always feel good. I often wish for the days when we were rushing off to school in the morning or I was trying to make dinner and check homework at the same time.

But what does it really mean to have more time versus less? I mean what is time anyway other than what we make it? My current co-parenting arrangement has taught me that quality beats quantity every time. Now let’s be clear I still yearn and hope for more time, but the consequences of my own actions have forced me to work with what I have. Sure there is less professional pressure, but there is also less opportunity to parent in the flesh.

Yet my circumstances have taught me presence. When I spend time with my children I cherish our exchanges in ways that I never did when I had a more traditional arrangement. I take a deeper and more profound interest in every word that spills from my kid’s mouths. We play more, talk more, connect more and enjoy the fullness of our time. I tend to be less restrictive and far more available physically and emotionally. Distance has made me more reflective and meditative about parenting and has assisted me in providing more substantive guidance and direction about life. Again this not in anyway to suggest that I am better at parenting than their mom, but only to underscore that my circumstances have forced me to find the upside for what might prove to others to be pretty bad situation. In other words value the time you have and never underestimate a mean game of hide and seek at Macys.

Cross-post: The Truth About NonCustodial Parents–An Interview with Rebekah Spicuglia

This is a re-post from our friends over at CoParenting101. It provides excellent insight into the issues faced by noncustodial parents. If you are a noncustodial parent or are just trying to find ways to strengthen your co-parenting relationship, be sure to read every word of this interview.

Think you know what “noncustodial” really means? Think again, and check out our interview with a woman whom MSN calls a “Mom Inspired to Change History”…

One of your goals in creating NCP Community is to raise awareness about the issues noncustodial parents face. What are some of the key issues?

Noncustodial parents face many of the same challenges that custodial parents face. We want to instill our values in our children, ensure they are doing their homework and studying for that big test tomorrow, treating others with respect . But it is much harder to do when you aren’t in the same house as your children.

Parental disagreements are common, and a noncustodial parent can often feel helpless in decisions ranging from whether or not a child should have a cell phone to medical care. But once you get past divorce and mediation issues and settle into everyday life, it’s engaging our children’s teachers, maintaining regular communication with our children, and arranging visitation that are the big issues. Visitation in particular can be very difficult – there is scheduling with the custodial parent, figuring out childcare, trying to arrange playdates when you may not have much of a parenting community to speak of, and trying to make those visits really meaningful for our relationship with our children.

Yet, despite our best efforts and loving intentions, noncustodial parents often feel shut out from our children’s day-to-day life, academic progress, and major decisions. In extreme cases, there might even be concern about child’s well-being, even child abuse, in the custodial parent’s home. Societal misconceptions about what “noncustodial” means can wrongly limit a parent’s access to their children’s education/medical records, and parents often do not have access to legal resources or even understand their parental rights. This can be discouraging for a parent who is truly striving to do the best s/he can.

What are some common misconceptions about noncustodial parents?

One of the biggest issues noncustodial parents face is a lack of understanding generally in society about what “noncustodial” means.  This leads to a great deal of frustration when dealing with authorities, and we regularly find ourselves explaining legalities to people to defend our right to be involved, our right-to-parent.

Read more…

Surrendering to What Is…and to What Ain’t

A couple years back I was fortunate enough to be given an opportunity to take a new teaching position in Kyoto, Japan, where I still live today.  When I got the news, I was so excited that I told all of my closest friends and family.  I also shared my new opportunity with my ex-wife and suggested that our kids could accompany me for a year and then begin alternating between the U.S. and Japan on an annual basis.  I was so hyped that I really believed that we would be able to put together a well balanced, year–on year–off living arrangement like my parents had done for me.  When I was growing up I lived with my mother for one year, and then with my father for a year.  This arrangement continued from elementary school until I began high school. My ex-wife was not in agreement, to say the least.  Needless to say, I was shocked and could not understand why we weren’t seeing eye-to-eye on the issue. 

You see, my ex and I had done what few couples have been able to do; we had orchestrated a harmonious no -contest divorce, shared custody of our children, lived around the corner from each other, and had put in place a system where our kids rotated between us on alternating Wednesdays.  This proved to work well for everyone involved.  So, it was within this context that I thought that we could put this idyllic show on the road—like across the Pacific.  Wrong!

In hindsight, I was quite naïve.  In an effort to gain some clarity I reached out to the women in my life for advice.  They knew that I meant well, and that I just wanted to share a once in a lifetime, enriching experience with my children. However, they believed that my decision could possibly be jarring for the kids or any other parent who was as devoted as my children’s mother.  But, I too, was devoted.  “What about me?” I decried.  Recognizing that I had a point, most of my friends and family advised that I revisit this idea with my ex-wife after I had settled down in Japan and we all had adjusted to the new arrangement. They offered that she would probably agree to such an arrangement once some time has passed and she’s able to fully appreciate the opportunity for what it is.

This was very hard for me to do, but I had no choice.  I was committed to maintaining a harmonious relationship with my ex and not disrupting my kids’ lives in a nasty custody battle or creating a negative situation in an attempt to have my way.  In sum, I did not want to spoil what we had created as loving parents, but I did want to continue fathering my children.  I wanted to know that there would be a time when I would be a full-time parent again.  I needed a comforting resolution for a situation that I created, in part for my kids.  So, I did what experience had taught me to do: I surrendered.

When you surrender to your reality you gain greater insight into what your reality actually is.  When you surrender your mind naturally slows down and you become poised to accept things as they are.  Acceptance always leads to greater peace and clarity even if what is before you is not to your liking.  This was certainly the case for me.  After I decided that my children would remain with their mother and that I would embark on my new journey to Japan without them, I then began to think creatively about how I would parent from abroad. 

Immediately, I began to learn about all of the latest computer technology that would allow me to stay in close contact with my kids.  I started looking closely at my schedule and the kids in an attempt to figure out what times would be available for us to see each other.  Because I had initiated this move I began to think about how I could adjust my finances to accommodate becoming a transnational father of sorts.  Airline tickets were going to have to take priority over other things.   It was not going to be easy, but I began to see the possibilities once I took a hard look at what was before me.

As I surrendered I began to think more meditatively about my children and what kind of relationship I wanted to develop with them.  One of my elders had told me some time ago that it is not the quantity of time that you spend with your children, but the quality.  Upon reflecting on that advice I immediately decided that I was going to become a more “present” parent and devote myself to engaging and listening to my kids more.  I knew that I wanted to make every moment special and become a more expanded person in the process.  Though, I am still holding out for the time when my kids can live with me in Japan for more than just four to six weeks in the summer, I am forever grateful that I surrendered to what was before me. The experience and opportunities that have emerged from this new arrangement have been more glorious than I could ever have imagined.     

How to Be Present when You Aren’t There: Virtual Visitation Brings You Closer

Making sure you’re giving your children enough quality face time is difficult enough when you’re a parent living in the same home, but if you’re parenting from a distance, the challenge is even greater.  And, for children longing for the presence of a parent who is geographically too far to see live on a daily basis, the absence can be distressing.   While the ideal way to spend time with your child is in the physical realm, the realities of life, such as job relocations, marriage to a spouse living in another location, or the need to move to an area with a stronger support network, can all put significant physical distance between you and your child.  But, that doesn’t have to mean that emotional distance grows, too.  If you can’t beam yourself there, virtual visitation/parenting time is a great way to stay connected.

With the availability of free video chat services like Skype and GoogleTalk with video chat, for the cost of a video cam, you can hear and see your children from anywhere you can get an internet connection.  No, it’s not the same as being there, and it isn’t intended to replace live visits or justify moving away; but it is a simple, inexpensive way to move past the limitations of email, telephone and instant messaging to create a stronger and more consistent connection with your child.

What You Need to Get Started

In addition to a co-parent who is willing to support and facilitate the visits, the other ingredients for a complete set-up are:

• Computer 
• High-speed internet or broadband connection
• Webcam
• Headset/Microphone
• Video chat software

Services to Consider

There are several options for video chatting.  Here are a few worth considering:

Etendi Bridge (www.etendi.com)—This is a new service developed specifically for distance parenting.  In addition to video chat, Entendi Bridge includes games and an interactive whiteboard where you and your child can share in the fun.  There’s also a shared calendar.  And, you can leave recorded “Thinking of You” messages.  This is a subscription-based service, but they offer a free trial.

Gmail Voice and Video Chat(www.gmail.com/videochat)—All you need to get started with voice and video chat is a Gmail account from Google.  You’ll have to download the plug-in which only takes minutes.  From there, you can use instant messaging, voice-only or video to communicate with your child.  It’s simple, and even better…it’s free!

Skype (www.skype.com)–Skype is another free service that allows you to IM, talk or make video calls.  Their premium subscription service also allows you to call out to a land lines all over the world for a low monthly fee.  So, if you’re separated by oceans, or travel internationally, this might be a great option to give your kids phone access to you wherever you are.

While virtual visitation isn’t the only way to stay connected to your child when you can’t be with him or her, it is one of the richest ways to communicate in real-time. An excellent online resource for more information about this topic is The Virtual Visitation Portal, whose mission includes providing education and information about virtual visitation and how it can help parents stay in touch with their children. If you aren’t already doing it, consider talking to your co-parent about ways to incorporate this tool into your parenting plan.

Drop a comment below to share your thoughts and tips about distance parenting and virtual visitation. 

New Distance Parenting Group on WeParent Connect

Check out the Distance Parenting Connection group on WeParent Connect for tips, advice, information and support on how to be present, even though you’re away.