Co-Parenting Matters Book Giveaway: Tell Us Why Divorce Sucks!

We’re excited to have Mary Jo Eustace, author of Divorce Sucks: What to do When Irreconcilable Differences, Lawyer Fees and Your Ex’s Hollywood Wife Make You Miserable join us as our guest on the next “Co-Parenting Matters” show. Eustace is an actress, singer, chef, mother, author of two bestselling cookbooks and was formerly married to Dean McDermott, Tori Spelling’s current husband and reality show co-star. Rather than write another tell-all, Mary Jo Eustace used her divorce as inspiration for a guide to help readers regroup after their own.

Want to win a copy of Divorce Sucks?  Enter our giveaway contest by leaving a comment below telling us why, in your opinion, divorce sucks. Whether you are divorced, a grown up child of divorce, have contemplated divorce, or know someone who is divorced, we want to hear from you.

TWO winners of the book giveaway will be announced on this week’s show. We’re thrilled to have Mary Jo share her insights with us and with you. So, tune in Sunday at 9:30 PM EST. You may call in to 646.378.0580 or listen to the live stream online; send in questions in advance to: contact AT coparentingmatters DOT com; or of course, you can always tweet us. We’re @coparentingshow.

Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part I

I am thrilled to be featuring my son’s father and my co-parent, right here in our “Real Families” column.  I had the pleasure of interviewing him about our co-parenting relationship, his experience as a father who is co-parenting and anything else he thought would be relevant to our readers.  Turns out that he had a lot to say, so this is Part I of a four-part series.

WeParent Family, meet my co-parent, Ed Banuel…

Talibah: Now, we know that my truth is not always the whole truth about the relationship. So, I want to give our readers the opportunity to hear about this co-parenting journey from you. So, how would you describe our co-parenting relationship?

Ed:  Well, I think the best way to describe our co-parenting relationship is by saying that we’ve grown a lot. I feel like we have officially gotten to a place where we are in our groove. It is constantly work in progress, will always be work in progress. I don’t believe any relationship is perfect, but I think we are in a place where we have an understanding of how to make it work for the benefit of our son.

Talibah: What do you see as the biggest issues that we had to work through to get to this point?

Ed:` I think the biggest issue was understanding that we as individuals are constantly evolving. Where I am today at age 34 is not where I was at age 25 or 26. And, even though we both had great parents–I have a great mom; and you have a great mom and dad–there is really no blueprint for how to raise a child and deal with a co-parenting situation. You know? And, the fact that our son was conceived very early on in our relationship posed another set of challenges. So I feel like it was a journey, but I think now we are finally in the place where we know how to communicate and  move through the challenges.

Talibah: So what was that like finding out that someone you’d only known briefly was pregnant with your kid?

Ed: Well, it was scary. It was scary because we didn’t really know each other, I mean, we were kind of forced to have to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly. I was still trying to find my way with my career, working at a 9 to 5 that was a cool job but wasn’t my passion and then also pursuing my film career and just trying to figure out the way to provide for myself. Then add on top of that another level of complexity of finding out I was expecting a child.

I was in a whirlwind, but I felt like you were responsible; and I felt like you were mature enough that we’d definitely be able to work this out and try to give it a good effort to make it work.

Talibah: When I told you, we didn’t just jump in to “Let’s live together, let’s be officially boyfriend and girlfriend, let’s get engaged,” but we did promise each other that we would always work on our friendship and do the best we could to partner in parenting our son.  What was it that made you decide to actually try to build a relationship?

Ed: I felt whenever I had a child, I was going to be there because of the absence of my father. There was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to be there and be committed to raising my child. So, outside of me, of course, really liking you, that was one of the reasons that kept me there. The idea of another man raising my child and me not being there was a big fear of mine. And, that was never going to happen.

Talibah: How do you think you father’s not being there has affected your experience of fatherhood and your growing into the father you are today?

Ed: You know, as a child, you don’t understand why your father or your mother may not be there for you. As an adult, I realized it didn’t have anything to do with me or my sister. It was a personal decision that he made, and there were some issues that he has to resolve with himself.

Seeing my mom raising me, her endless dedication, commitment, her sacrifice…She played the role of a mother and father; she had no other choice. That was instilled in me at an early age, and as a result, I felt like I had to without question show the same level of commitment to my son.

Talibah: You say she didn’t have a choice, but she did. Your father made a different choice. Why do you think so many fathers in particular are absent from their children, absent from their children’s lives?

Ed: I think a lot of it is not having examples. Life burdens just kind of take over, and we feel like we can’t provide for our child if X, Y and Z is not in place and not right. I just feel like a lot of fathers don’t have positive examples of what a good father is. And, half the time, it’s not just about money, because you can be a very wealthy man and not be a good father.  It’s about that relationship you have with your child and the time you spend nurturing that child. So, I think we don’t have a lot of examples.  A lot of African-American males don’t have that person in our life, that father in our life, to spend the time to nurture and guide us though life’s challenges. So, in turn, we do the same when it comes down to our children.

Talibah: But you made a different choice, and I’m glad. Now, we haven’t always been in our groove. What were some of the more difficult times? What did you have to figure out to get through them?

Ed: I think a lot just came with time. The older I get, I realize, okay, it’s not just about me pursuing my career. I have to be present with my child. It’s about spending time to mentor him, to raise him, to be present with him when he’s with me.

Talibah: What about examples of some challenges that we came across in our co-parenting relationship and what you learned from them that might be helpful to other people.

Ed: I think the key challenge was communication. We have different ways of operating and different ways of handling his situations. For example, you tend to write things down and plan ahead, very far ahead at times. I tend to play it on a day-to-day weekly basis.  So, I think the biggest one was just figuring out a happy medium in our communication where you get what you need, I ultimately get what I need and above all, where our son wins.

Talibah: Let’s talk about you as a dad. Where have you stumbled, and how did that help you grow as a parent?

Read Part 2 of this interview to find out Ed’s answer.

This Week on Co-Parenting Matters: Navigating the Legal Process

Do you have legal questions about co-parenting, custody, child support, or other related issues?  Join us this Sunday on for “Navigating the Legal Process” on “Co-Parenting Matters”, our live, talk show on BlogTalkRadio, co-hosted by Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas of CoParenting101.org.  Learn about the family court system and strategies for minimizing negative impact on your children. Find out about alternatives to traditional family court. And, get your legal questions answered by our experts.

Can’t tune in on Sunday night? Post your question in the comments section, and we’ll be happy to ask it for you.

You Might Also Be Interested In:

Collaborative Family Law Keeps You out of Court

Words from the Wise:  Should I Take Him to Court?

10 Things To Say To Your Children During Your Divorce

In his last article, Wolfgang Gruener of SingleParentGossip shared 10 things not to say to your kids during your divorce.  This time, he’s back with 10 things you actually should say:

Be realistic: It will be a difficult conversation and you need to be prepared as much as you can. Make sure your children are the first ones to know about the separation.  They should not learn about it from others. When you first talk to them, set enough time aside and create a calm setting, with both parents being present. You need to limit your discussion to the most pressing topics. Do not overwhelm them with information.

Follow a certain set of ground rules during your conversation: Plan ahead with your spouse.  Be truthful, but avoid inappropriate topics such as child custody or child support payments. Be respectful to the other parent, keep your emotions in check and do not yell. Be sensitive to how they react to the news.  Listen to your children and hear their fears and concerns. Welcome their questions.  Plan more discussions with your children.

Depending on where you are in the divorce proceedings, there are a few important things you need to tell your children, and reemphasize to them during the divorce and even later on.

1. Mom and dad are separating because …
In some cases, this may be a very easy topic to talk about, in others it may be very difficult. Be aware that many children of divorce are unhappy about the fact that they were never told a reason for the divorce of their parents. Be truthful, but, of course, you cannot mention reasons such as adultery. In such a case you will need to find a different, more general reason such as that you have differences you cannot agree on. You may be angry at your (ex-) spouse for his/her infidelity, but this is not the right time to tell your children. They will find out themselves when they are older. It is also important to remember that you do not have to mention that you and your partner do not love each other anymore.

2. Mom and dad can be better parents when they live in different homes.
This is closely connected to the explanation of why you are separating and it will introduce your children to the upcoming change that there will be two differenthomes. You can elaborate on this topic further down the road and explain that there will be rules that are the same in mom’s and dad’s house, but some may be different.

3. Things are going to be different, but we will work as a team to make them ok.
Typically, the advice is to tell your children that “everything will be ok”. We do not agree with this phrase, simply because you cannot promise your children that everything will be ok. The fact is that not everything will be ok and your children will be very aware of the promises you make. There will be change. There will be different homes. There will be problems. Instead of telling them that things will be just ok, make sure that your children know that you are in control and they do not have to worry. Never make any promises you cannot keep!

4. It is not your fault.
Children often blame themselves for a divorce and they believe it is something that happened because of their actions. It is critical that you reassure them that the divorce is not their fault.

5. Mom and dad will not marry each other again.
Your children will ask you whether you and your spouse will remarry. Remove the illusion that mom and dad will get together and marry again. Your children need to understand that the divorce is final and they are moving into a new phase of their life. You need to remove confusion and uncertainty. Create an environment they can understand and provide stability as quickly as possible. You may feel that it is easier to tell your children that mom and dad may get back together at some point again, but you have to be honest to yourself that this is rather unlikely. Remember: Do not make promises you cannot keep.

10 Things NOT to Say to Your Children During a Divorce

Divorce is a time of monumental emotional pain and hardship, a time in which we need support of others to find our way back on track and go on with our life. Yet you can never forget the promise you have given your children when you brought them into this world. You still need to be the best parent you can be and follow some rules to avoid more pain.

One of the most critical things to remember are phrases you should say to them and things you can think of but definitely can’t say. Here are ten things you should never say to your children during a divorce.

1. Nothing will change. Everything will be the same.

Be realistic. A divorce is a separation and that will bring two different households to your children, if both you and your (ex-) spouse decide to remain in the children’s lives. Often, your kids will realize what a separation means much sooner than you think. Instead of trying to calm the situation by claiming everything will be the same, you can carefully introduce certain changes, but always make sure that they know that you are in control of the situation and they do not have to worry.

2. Your dad is a … / Your mom is a …

As much as you would want to, you need to bite your tongue on this one. Do not speak negatively about the other parent and refrain from name calling! Even if there have been hurtful things, such as adultery, a divorce is not the time to be verbally mean to your ex-partner. Remember, in the end, it will not hit your ex-spouse, but it will hurt the children and it may hurt you. Children watch closely and as they grow older, they become much more aware of what is going on. And if your partner really cheated, they will find out one day anyway. Many psychologists, by the way, suggests that an appropriate age of revealing difficult reasons for divorces is about 16.

3. It’s all your mom’s/dad’s fault.

It is easy to shift the fault for the divorce on someone during the divorce. And it may take time for you to realize what really caused your divorce. But that is not a discussion that should be held with your children and such alienation will deepen the wounds that are being caused by the separation. No matter how you feel who has caused the divorce, make sure that you always let your children know that both mom and dad love them very much.

4. Because of what you did, we have to divorce

We come across this one quite often and it is the worst you can say to your children. The simple fact is: Your children are not responsible for the divorce. Never blame them for the problems between you and your (ex-) spouse. The reasons for a divorce are beyond a child’s reach and usually relate to individual actions, bad choices and different parenting approaches.

5. I am busy.

Spending quality time with your children is essential. You should want your child to feel wanted, not abandoned. When you can spend time with your children, especially it is scheduled parenting time, be available and do not make your child feel like she/he is a burden.

6. Your dad does not pay child support.

There are certain topics that are inappropriate to be shared with your children. Examples are especially child support or relationships with significant others. There may not be a single case your children will bring up these topics and if they do, stay positive and let them know that there are or will be two different homes and you and your ex-spouse are working together as a team.

7. DON’T YELL!

Simple. If you are talking with your ex-spouse, on the phone or in the same room, and your children are near, be cordial and polite. Aside from a possible alienation issue, a divorce can also teach your children a lesson for life and they will always remember how you treated each other. As nasty as a divorce may be, treating each other respectfully will show your children that not only are you two working things out, but you can also resolve a conflict without yelling.

8. What does your mom/dad say about me?

Do not put your children in the awkward position to be a middleman or a messenger between you and your spouse. If you are interested in what is going on at the other home, you can always ask you (ex-) spouse. Do not expect your child to relay messages. Even more important: Do not fish for information about your (ex-) spouse.

9. I do not want the divorce. Your mom does.

This is a borderline case, but I recommend staying away from this one as well. There are some counselors who say that you can tell your child that you have done everything to save the marriage. Which, of course, implies that your partner has not. There are countless ways to give the same message to your children – without the blaming. Simply explain that you both have tried to work out your differences, but sometimes that does not happen. To be a good mom and dad, parents sometimes have to separate to overcome their differences.

10. I don’t care about your dad’s rules.

This is a tricky one. When there are two homes, it is impossible that mom and dad will have the exact same rules for every eventuality. However, the two of you need to set a baseline of rules relating to topics such as bedtime, homework, etc. Kids have a tendency to play parents against each other to achieve certain goals, such as playing with a certain toy or manipulate ground rules such as bedtimes. You will often hear “But mom/dad said that ….” Make sure that you have basic rules in place that are the same in both homes and make sure that your children know that you will enforce those rules. If you (ex-) spouse creates new rules without telling you, then you need to discuss those with your (ex-) spouse, but don’t wipe them off the table, just because you do not agree in the first place.

SingleDad’s 3 Top Tips for Communicating with Your Ex

Thanks to RJ of SingleDad.com for permission to post this article.

This past month, I have received several requests regarding Single Parent dating Advice. One of them caught my immediate attention, and it read something like this:

“I am dating a SingleDad and he communicates with his ex-wife too much, how do I stop him?”

I was interested in getting the rest of the story, so I made contact with the member to elaborate on what was going on in this relationship. For the sake of everyone’s privacy in this story, I’m going to call the girlfriend Mary, the single dad Mike, and the ex-wife Nancy.

So Mary’s telling me that she has been dating Mike for over two years now and she feels that her relationship is pretty committed and that Mike and she have the “two home exchange” going on pretty well. This is something where the Single Parent couple will stay at the other person’s house for the weekend and “exchange” destinations every other time when they have a “no kid” weekends. I find this romantic and it happens all the time in most Single Parent relationships. So as the relationship has grown over the two years, Mary just can’t shake the ongoing and frequent communication that Mike is having with Nancy.

I asked, “How frequent do they talk?” Mary explains, “at least 3 to 5 times a day”.  “About what?” I asked as I thought aloud. What bothers Mary is the fact that every time that Nancy calls, Mike purposely leaves the room and talks in whispers for hours to Nancy. “For hours?” I ask.

It appears that Mike will get a morning, afternoon, and an evening call from Nancy. What they talk about, nobody knows but them. What is certain is the type of behavior that Mike is showing every time Nancy calls is bothering Mary. This behavior is not sitting well with Mary for a couple of reasons. First, when Mary approached Mike about the frequency, there was immediate denial and the conversation was ended.  Nobody likes to be “called out” and maybe this is what happens when Mary inquires about Mike’s behavior. And second, maybe there is something to hide, or maybe not. What needs to be discussed is the “choice and consequence” to what’s going on between the couple and their lack of communication in their relationship. You can’t change a person’s choice; you can only let him know the consequences of their choices.

I asked Mary to write down the following advice and follow these three easy steps:

Step 1: Make sure to start this conversation with a “disclaimer”. I know this sounds funny, but most of us want to feel safe in a conversation before feeling attacked which results in taking on a defensive role. If you want results, try starting the conversation with, “I am not mad you, nobody’s right or wrong in this conversation, I just want to make sure that I am doing my part on having a discussion in the best possible way with you”… The choice is his now.  Does he feel important to change his choices? You have his attention, let’s go to the next step and see.

Step 2: Take ownership for how you feel. This sounds strange, but many times we are not “saying what we mean” under the duress of an argument. We often think we are explaining ourselves very clearly in the heat of the battle, when often, we’re not. Start a conversation this way, “Mike I am feeling uncomfortable, or I feel awkward when this happens and I don’t know how to talk about it and I need your help”… and it is best to wait, be patient for a reply instead of jumping into assumptions or interruptions. Allow Mike to “Visualize” what is going on for you as you walk him through the picture of what you see and feel.

Step 3: Give your results a realistic time frame. Most of the time, these past behaviors built up over time. And they are not going away overnight. In fact, it’s healthier to see the gradual change in a partner’s behavior than a “Cold Turkey” approach, (the rebound is much more severe).  It takes more effort to acknowledge the positive, so take a stand and show the courage with your partner that you notice even the little improvements in the relationship. Most of the time we fall into the gap of “negative reinforcement” and often talk about the glass half empty approach and point out what’s wrong instead of what’s right. Make every effort in pointing out the positive and you will see better lasting results.

I will keep you posted on their results. Please feel free to comment on this subject on our SingleDad Forum.

Being Right or Having Peace

It’s been eighteen years since I sent fear packing and conjured up the courage to walk away from a marriage that had me mentally exhausted and emotionally depleted. It was a huge leap of faith. I had four children in tow. The youngest was six-months and the oldest hadn’t started school. I had just been furloughed from my job, and I was three-months pregnant. But, even though my circumstances looked bleak, my future looked brighter than what I was leaving behind.

When I told my husband about my plans to move, he protested and told me I wasn’t taking his kids anywhere. He knew how strongly I felt about raising our children in a two-parent home, where the mother and the father were married to each other, so he constantly reminded me that whoever left would be the one who broke the pact. I didn’t want to let my kids down, because I was raised by a single mom, and so was he. But at the same time, I could no longer stay at the expense of my sanity. We were living a lie, and I was tired of the façade. What good was it for us to keep up the image of happiness when the disdain we felt for each was about to make one or both of us go postal?

After he told me I wasn’t taking his kids with me, I called his bluff. I knew he had no intentions of keeping the kids, so I reiterated that I was moving – not the kids. I told him when I was moving out and where I was moving to. And over the course of the next few weeks I went about the business of buying things for my apartment. Thank God I did because three days before I was scheduled to move, he came home and announced that he was moving that night. Not only did he move out, but he took everything but the kids: the furniture, the TVs, and the car. When I asked if he was taking the kids, he said he only had a one-bedroom and didn’t have room for them.

So, why did he need the kids’ beds if he didn’t have room for the kids? The only answer he gave me was that he knew somebody who needed them.

I was disgusted, but not surprised. I called my cousin and told him what was going on, and he told me that he had a sofa and loveseat for sale. Perfect! I needed to buy them. He also agreed to move me, so that was another thing I didn’t have to worry about. Plus, my mother had a bed in storage that she let me have, and I went to a furniture store the following day and financed new canopy beds for my daughters. Life was looking up.

It took a few months for me to get on my feet, but I eventually got my bearings. Bureaucratic rules held up my unemployment check for two months, and my husband was determined not to help out. My mother sent money when she could. And I’m forever grateful for friends who comforted me when my son was born stillborn, gave me food when I couldn’t afford to buy any, babysat for free after I went back to work, and gave me a ride to work until I bought a car.

As time went on, my husband did ask me what I planned to tell the children about our breakup. To be honest, I really hadn’t given it much thought. I’m sure what he really wanted to know was if I planned to make myself a victim and sing them a somebody-done-me-wrong song. But, what would I get out of that? I was so happy to be living in peace, that I had no desire to prove who was right or wrong in the marriage. And as far as I was concerned, we were equally at fault for not being able to make it work.

As a self-proclaimed daddy’s girl, I wanted my kids to spend time with him and develop a strong father/child connection, even if I felt like he was a pitiful husband. I didn’t want to sway their opinion, like my mother didn’t sway mine. My dad never provided emotional or financial support for us, and I still have an exaggerated perception of him. I know he was no daddy of the year, but my mother never said a negative thing about him. She was phenomenal. She stayed when she could have left, bridled her tongue when I’m sure she wanted to burst, and allowed me to form my own opinion about the man I call Daddy.

And I did the same for my kids. 

Daddy Love: WeParent Talks to RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.com

WeParent had the opportunity to chat with RJ Jaramillo founder of SingleDad.com, a parenting site where single fathers can go to find tips on everything from using a crockpot to building an effective co-parenting relationship with the ex.

WP: What was the inspiration for SingleDad?

RJ:  Before the website came along, after I got divorced in 1999, I kept notes on what I went through during my whole transition.  I used journals to keep my sanity during the tough times, but those journals became a resource for others. Around 2001, I became this 411, this information phone number for a lot of newly divorced guys that were struggling with their new life.  I would get these random calls, and they would go something like this:  “Hi RJ, my name is X.  You don’t know me, but I’m a friend of Y’s.  I’m newly divorced, and X told me to call you because I don’t know how to…”  I didn’t even know at the time that SingleDad was going to happen.

WP:  So, it sounds like SingleDad was literally a calling for you.

RJ:  Yes.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be an involved co-parent.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be a divorced single father and have a commitment towards parenting, and there’s a lot of great examples, but there weren’t any websites highlighting them.

All I saw out there for single fathers, was one extreme [or the other].  I saw either a completely religious right approach to everything, and you had to belong to that certain sect or that denomination to join.  And, then on the other side was “10 top secrets on how to date 20 women at one time. “

WP:  Funny!  It seems, too, that there’s another segment of sites that target dads who are in battle.  Custody.  Child support.

RJ:  Right.  Negativity.  Right.  Everything is a conflict.  I’m here to deliver a positive message on parenting and to address single parenting needs.

WP:  So, what are the top five issues emerging from the voices of the SingleDad community?  What are single dads talking about?

RJ:  The first category is parenting advice/family counseling advice.  First, and foremost, they are asking for parenting tips.  Number two, believe it or not, is dating advice or relationship advice.  It’s not just dating new women; it’s relationship advice on dealing with their ex.  The third is cooking.  The number four category is family law and then, financial advice.

WP:  Time to get personal.  Let’s talk about you and how you got here.  How long have you been a single dad and what was that transition like for you?

RJ: [After 10 years of marriage and one of separation], I couldn’t make a decision about whether to stay in or stay out. I give a lot of credit to my ex-wife who finally had the courage to say , “I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news.”   The bad news was, she filed for divorce, and we were going to end the relationship.  The good news was we were going to have a child. Here I was, third child coming, divorced and raising a newborn as a single dad.

I was a typical situation where you jump into the career world and make everything about  chasing the almighty dollar.  But, the reality is that’s gone over the course of one family law visit.  So, I had what really was an awakening, an opportunity to really evaluate where I was in my life. I look at it now as a very positive experience because it really made me think about where my life was going and how recklessly I had created it. The reality was all that stuff didn’t really matter.  What really mattered now was what am I going to do?  I’m going to learn how to be a committed father.  I’m going to learn how to raise a co-parenting family.

WP:  What advice do you give to other dads who are going through this?

RJ:  Seek some true counseling that’s really about thinking about and meditating on what’s most important in your life.  [It’s not about] just being right.   Try to understand the situation that you both fell into and take responsibility.  Unfortunately in family law court, we’re given the signs to just push things through, just push things through. I wish there was some type of timeout that was given in our family court system that just said, “Look, put everything aside for a second and give yourself a good deep breath and get some alone time, all parties away.”

WP:  Yes.  That’s great advice…for parents and for the family law system!

RJ:  I think that having that opportunity…I’m not saying it would have saved my relationship…but I think in terms of what we see and what we’re told in our society according to family laws, it’s about negotiating to win, not negotiating to find peace. 

Most guys that go through divorce don’t get the distinction between alone and lonely.  You’re never alone. You can feel lonely, but you’re never alone.  I think the other mantra that I remind my friends who go through this process, is it’s a transition.  This is one slice of a very large pie, and it’s only a fraction of time.  It’s a very small slice of this pie, which is called your life.

If you just think of the bigger picture, this whole big pie, you’re going to get through it.  It’s just that right now, it doesn’t feel good.  It’s unfamiliar territory.  You have to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable once and awhile, and know that things will get better.  We’re trained to believe that the only way to get through things is to push.  If we just let go some of the time, they unravel, they unwind, they unhook themselves.

WP:  Powerful guidance, RJ.  So what was different for you about parenting as a single dad?  Co-parenting?

RJ:  Good question.  I took a journey to becoming a real, multi-tasking, multidimensional parent–cooking, cleaning, home management, homework, parent/teacher involvement, social  and school activitiess. I had to learn the simple things that we take for granted—learning how to hem pants, how to sew a button, how to master the crockpot and cooking healthy for my children.  I guess [I learned] the key word is maybe “giving”, not surrendering, but giving yourself to your child.

WP:  Right.  I think that’s potent, “…giving yourself to your children…”  this concept of really making it be about your child and letting that be a gateway to your own self-discovery.  I find that that’s often a more effective way of making changes in your co-parenting relationship, not through attacking the conflict head-on but rather through engaging more in your growth as a parent.

RJ:  I agree. And you don’t stop, because the change that kids bring to you always demands growth.

Be sure to check out SingleDad Diaries to see what’s next for RJ, two other single dads and their kids as they prepare to live together in the Single Dad House!  And, for more resources, advice and parenting tips for single fathers, visit SingleDad.com.

Mom’s House, Dad’s House

Mom’s House, Dad’s House:  Making Two Homes for Your Child  by Dr. Isolina Ricci is a classic co-parenting book.  Originally written in 1980, there is a revised edition available with some new content.  Although some critics of the book highlight its bias in primarily using examples where the mother has primary custody, this one is a great primer on everything you need to consider as you step into a co-parenting relationship.  It offers comprehensive, actionable guidance and solutions for setting up a two-household system that works for your kids.
Learn more or purchase Mom’s House, Dad’s House…

Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life

Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford is a guide to turning one of the most painful relationship experiences into an empowering transformation.  It offers a liberating perspective on the devastation that can come with the end of a relationship.  Through exercises, insightful questions and a spiritual approach to dealing with adversity, Spiritual Divorce can help shift your perspective in ways that leave you feeling empowered and healed.

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