Being Right or Having Peace

It’s been eighteen years since I sent fear packing and conjured up the courage to walk away from a marriage that had me mentally exhausted and emotionally depleted. It was a huge leap of faith. I had four children in tow. The youngest was six-months and the oldest hadn’t started school. I had just been furloughed from my job, and I was three-months pregnant. But, even though my circumstances looked bleak, my future looked brighter than what I was leaving behind.

When I told my husband about my plans to move, he protested and told me I wasn’t taking his kids anywhere. He knew how strongly I felt about raising our children in a two-parent home, where the mother and the father were married to each other, so he constantly reminded me that whoever left would be the one who broke the pact. I didn’t want to let my kids down, because I was raised by a single mom, and so was he. But at the same time, I could no longer stay at the expense of my sanity. We were living a lie, and I was tired of the façade. What good was it for us to keep up the image of happiness when the disdain we felt for each was about to make one or both of us go postal?

After he told me I wasn’t taking his kids with me, I called his bluff. I knew he had no intentions of keeping the kids, so I reiterated that I was moving – not the kids. I told him when I was moving out and where I was moving to. And over the course of the next few weeks I went about the business of buying things for my apartment. Thank God I did because three days before I was scheduled to move, he came home and announced that he was moving that night. Not only did he move out, but he took everything but the kids: the furniture, the TVs, and the car. When I asked if he was taking the kids, he said he only had a one-bedroom and didn’t have room for them.

So, why did he need the kids’ beds if he didn’t have room for the kids? The only answer he gave me was that he knew somebody who needed them.

I was disgusted, but not surprised. I called my cousin and told him what was going on, and he told me that he had a sofa and loveseat for sale. Perfect! I needed to buy them. He also agreed to move me, so that was another thing I didn’t have to worry about. Plus, my mother had a bed in storage that she let me have, and I went to a furniture store the following day and financed new canopy beds for my daughters. Life was looking up.

It took a few months for me to get on my feet, but I eventually got my bearings. Bureaucratic rules held up my unemployment check for two months, and my husband was determined not to help out. My mother sent money when she could. And I’m forever grateful for friends who comforted me when my son was born stillborn, gave me food when I couldn’t afford to buy any, babysat for free after I went back to work, and gave me a ride to work until I bought a car.

As time went on, my husband did ask me what I planned to tell the children about our breakup. To be honest, I really hadn’t given it much thought. I’m sure what he really wanted to know was if I planned to make myself a victim and sing them a somebody-done-me-wrong song. But, what would I get out of that? I was so happy to be living in peace, that I had no desire to prove who was right or wrong in the marriage. And as far as I was concerned, we were equally at fault for not being able to make it work.

As a self-proclaimed daddy’s girl, I wanted my kids to spend time with him and develop a strong father/child connection, even if I felt like he was a pitiful husband. I didn’t want to sway their opinion, like my mother didn’t sway mine. My dad never provided emotional or financial support for us, and I still have an exaggerated perception of him. I know he was no daddy of the year, but my mother never said a negative thing about him. She was phenomenal. She stayed when she could have left, bridled her tongue when I’m sure she wanted to burst, and allowed me to form my own opinion about the man I call Daddy.

And I did the same for my kids. 

Daddy Love: WeParent Talks to RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.com

WeParent had the opportunity to chat with RJ Jaramillo founder of SingleDad.com, a parenting site where single fathers can go to find tips on everything from using a crockpot to building an effective co-parenting relationship with the ex.

WP: What was the inspiration for SingleDad?

RJ:  Before the website came along, after I got divorced in 1999, I kept notes on what I went through during my whole transition.  I used journals to keep my sanity during the tough times, but those journals became a resource for others. Around 2001, I became this 411, this information phone number for a lot of newly divorced guys that were struggling with their new life.  I would get these random calls, and they would go something like this:  “Hi RJ, my name is X.  You don’t know me, but I’m a friend of Y’s.  I’m newly divorced, and X told me to call you because I don’t know how to…”  I didn’t even know at the time that SingleDad was going to happen.

WP:  So, it sounds like SingleDad was literally a calling for you.

RJ:  Yes.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be an involved co-parent.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be a divorced single father and have a commitment towards parenting, and there’s a lot of great examples, but there weren’t any websites highlighting them.

All I saw out there for single fathers, was one extreme [or the other].  I saw either a completely religious right approach to everything, and you had to belong to that certain sect or that denomination to join.  And, then on the other side was “10 top secrets on how to date 20 women at one time. “

WP:  Funny!  It seems, too, that there’s another segment of sites that target dads who are in battle.  Custody.  Child support.

RJ:  Right.  Negativity.  Right.  Everything is a conflict.  I’m here to deliver a positive message on parenting and to address single parenting needs.

WP:  So, what are the top five issues emerging from the voices of the SingleDad community?  What are single dads talking about?

RJ:  The first category is parenting advice/family counseling advice.  First, and foremost, they are asking for parenting tips.  Number two, believe it or not, is dating advice or relationship advice.  It’s not just dating new women; it’s relationship advice on dealing with their ex.  The third is cooking.  The number four category is family law and then, financial advice.

WP:  Time to get personal.  Let’s talk about you and how you got here.  How long have you been a single dad and what was that transition like for you?

RJ: [After 10 years of marriage and one of separation], I couldn’t make a decision about whether to stay in or stay out. I give a lot of credit to my ex-wife who finally had the courage to say , “I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news.”   The bad news was, she filed for divorce, and we were going to end the relationship.  The good news was we were going to have a child. Here I was, third child coming, divorced and raising a newborn as a single dad.

I was a typical situation where you jump into the career world and make everything about  chasing the almighty dollar.  But, the reality is that’s gone over the course of one family law visit.  So, I had what really was an awakening, an opportunity to really evaluate where I was in my life. I look at it now as a very positive experience because it really made me think about where my life was going and how recklessly I had created it. The reality was all that stuff didn’t really matter.  What really mattered now was what am I going to do?  I’m going to learn how to be a committed father.  I’m going to learn how to raise a co-parenting family.

WP:  What advice do you give to other dads who are going through this?

RJ:  Seek some true counseling that’s really about thinking about and meditating on what’s most important in your life.  [It’s not about] just being right.   Try to understand the situation that you both fell into and take responsibility.  Unfortunately in family law court, we’re given the signs to just push things through, just push things through. I wish there was some type of timeout that was given in our family court system that just said, “Look, put everything aside for a second and give yourself a good deep breath and get some alone time, all parties away.”

WP:  Yes.  That’s great advice…for parents and for the family law system!

RJ:  I think that having that opportunity…I’m not saying it would have saved my relationship…but I think in terms of what we see and what we’re told in our society according to family laws, it’s about negotiating to win, not negotiating to find peace. 

Most guys that go through divorce don’t get the distinction between alone and lonely.  You’re never alone. You can feel lonely, but you’re never alone.  I think the other mantra that I remind my friends who go through this process, is it’s a transition.  This is one slice of a very large pie, and it’s only a fraction of time.  It’s a very small slice of this pie, which is called your life.

If you just think of the bigger picture, this whole big pie, you’re going to get through it.  It’s just that right now, it doesn’t feel good.  It’s unfamiliar territory.  You have to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable once and awhile, and know that things will get better.  We’re trained to believe that the only way to get through things is to push.  If we just let go some of the time, they unravel, they unwind, they unhook themselves.

WP:  Powerful guidance, RJ.  So what was different for you about parenting as a single dad?  Co-parenting?

RJ:  Good question.  I took a journey to becoming a real, multi-tasking, multidimensional parent–cooking, cleaning, home management, homework, parent/teacher involvement, social  and school activitiess. I had to learn the simple things that we take for granted—learning how to hem pants, how to sew a button, how to master the crockpot and cooking healthy for my children.  I guess [I learned] the key word is maybe “giving”, not surrendering, but giving yourself to your child.

WP:  Right.  I think that’s potent, “…giving yourself to your children…”  this concept of really making it be about your child and letting that be a gateway to your own self-discovery.  I find that that’s often a more effective way of making changes in your co-parenting relationship, not through attacking the conflict head-on but rather through engaging more in your growth as a parent.

RJ:  I agree. And you don’t stop, because the change that kids bring to you always demands growth.

Be sure to check out SingleDad Diaries to see what’s next for RJ, two other single dads and their kids as they prepare to live together in the Single Dad House!  And, for more resources, advice and parenting tips for single fathers, visit SingleDad.com.

Mom’s House, Dad’s House

Mom’s House, Dad’s House:  Making Two Homes for Your Child  by Dr. Isolina Ricci is a classic co-parenting book.  Originally written in 1980, there is a revised edition available with some new content.  Although some critics of the book highlight its bias in primarily using examples where the mother has primary custody, this one is a great primer on everything you need to consider as you step into a co-parenting relationship.  It offers comprehensive, actionable guidance and solutions for setting up a two-household system that works for your kids.
Learn more or purchase Mom’s House, Dad’s House…

Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life

Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford is a guide to turning one of the most painful relationship experiences into an empowering transformation.  It offers a liberating perspective on the devastation that can come with the end of a relationship.  Through exercises, insightful questions and a spiritual approach to dealing with adversity, Spiritual Divorce can help shift your perspective in ways that leave you feeling empowered and healed.

Let us know what you think.

Learn more or purchase Spiritual Divorce…

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