Teaching My Son about Violence

I was stunned when Chris Brown and Rihanna cancelled their Grammy appearance because one was in the hospital being treated for bruises from a domestic assault, while the other – her accused assailant – was being booked for beating the woman he loved. And in the days that followed, my emotions ran the gamut: sadness that Brown had already been tried and convicted in the trial of public opinion, befuddlement as to how a man could inflict bodily harm on a woman he loves, and confusion as to why so many people – men and women, young and old alike – felt like Rihanna brought the attack on herself.

Like most people, I saw this as a teachable moment for my daughters. As a woman who has never been hit by a man, I grapple with my understanding of how a love affair can go so wrong that a heated exchange of words can escalate to a point where someone – the man, the woman, or both – is left bloodied and bruised. My girls need to know that there is never an excuse or a reason for a man to hit a woman. And they should also know that that knife cuts both ways; they have a duty to keep their hands to themselves.

But no sooner than Brown could post bail and cause another media stir about a much-rumored reconciliation with Rihanna, Gospel megastar BeBe Winans was arrested for allegedly shoving his wife to the ground when he showed up at her house, and the two started arguing about custody issues. And, once again, the blogosphere was ablaze with comments that Winans’ wife must have made him do it. That’s when I realized that these incidents were teachable moments for my son, as well.

Girls can be dramatic

I’m a reformed drama queen. Just ask my three older brothers, and they will tell you about how I would get out of bed every morning and pick a fight, knowing they couldn’t hit me. I’m not talking about us having a physical fight; my tongue was my weapon of choice. And there was nothing I liked more than a fight, than another fight. So, even though my daddy had a strict rule against my brothers hitting their sister, at the very least I wanted them to return my verbal assaults. But, nooo, they ignored me. And that annoyed me. But as time went on, I was the one who gave in and eventually had to come up with other ways to get attention.

That’s the same thing I want my son to do. If he finds himself in a heated situation where he feels like he’s being pushed to the point of hitting a woman, I want him to let cooler heads prevail and walk away. That’s not the time to be prideful. I want to assure him that his pride will still be intact after he cools off.

Roughhousing can land you in jail

My son is a 6’3”, 325 pound man. He’s 18 now and was always a big kid. I had to constantly remind him that he couldn’t play with his classmates the same way that he played with his sisters. (They’re as rough as he is.) Now that he’s a grown man, I tell him that his size is already imposing, and that he really needs to be mindful when engaging in horseplay, because horseplay between adults is not child’s play. A simple shove or push can land him in jail.

Violence doesn’t equal strength

I think it’s unfortunate that so many young men define their manhood by violence. I will teach my son that hitting a woman – or a man for that matter – doesn’t make him a man. I think it’s really important that he understands that respecting women will make him a much stronger man. When he was younger, I used to tell him to impress me with his intelligence, not his stupidity, and that his mind is his strongest weapon. The same holds true for him now that he’s an adult. There’s nothing impressive about a man using physical violence to prove his strength. That’s stupid. He’ll get far more kudos and accolades by exercising self-control and self-restraint…And in doing so, he’ll also avoid a run-in with the law.