Do the Math, Shaq: Death threats and Kids = Co-Parenting No-no

Now, we aren’t ones to spread gossip, but we couldn’t resist sharing our CoParenting101.org friend, Deesha’s latest post on The Faster Times.  We don’t know if the rumors about Shaq sending death threats to his ex-wife’s new boo are true or not, but we *do* know that Deesha brought a whole lot of heat and wisdom in “An Open Memo to Shaq Re:  Using One’s 6-Year-Old Child to Deliver Death Threats.”  The bottom line:  It’s the kids who suffer most when we act a damn fool inappropriately in our co-parenting relationships.

Here are a couple snippets from her post:

This behavior is straight out of Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, the book I write in my head everyday while I’m driving.  Just when I think I’ve finished the manuscript, a story like yours comes along…

Let’s say for argument’s sake that the allegations against you are true.  Exactly what response were you hoping for from Shaunie’s boyfriend upon hearing this threat?  Was he supposed to quake in fear?  Disappear from Shaunie’s life?  Step to you so you could kill him?  A more likely result than any of the above is that the threat served only to confuse or frighten your child.   After all, he may be spending considerable time around this man whom Mommy likes and Daddy wants to kill.   Guess who your words affect the most, Shaq.  Here’s a hint: It’s not the boyfriend.

And, then she breaks down “10 unsolicited pieces of advice to any co-parent who thinks it’s a good idea to use a child to relay messages (of the threatening or non-threatening variety), or to pump children for information. ”

Truth is, even if we think we are co-parenting saints, a refresher never hurts.  So, our unsolicited advice?  Read this!

And, if you aren’t following Deesha’s co-parenting edutainment regularly, you should be!

This Week: Dealing with High Conflict in Your Co-Parenting Relationship

Do you and your child’s other parent get along like oil and water?

Do even the simplest interactions between you result in unnecessary drama?

Do you find it difficult or impossible to co-parent peacefully with your ex?

Are YOU the difficult ex who is more committed to conflict/revenge/drama than you are to your children?

Do you want to break the cycle of excessive conflict and increase the peace between you and your co-parent?

Tune in to this week’s “Co-Parenting Matters” show (Sunday 9:30 PM EST),“Dealing with High Conflict in Your Co-Parenting Relationship”.  Our guest this week will be Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., co-founder and president of the High Conflict Institute and author of the recently released Don’t Alienate the Kids!: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce and High Conflict People in Legal Disputes.

Through the Institute, Bill teaches the necessary skills for handling high conflict personalities to professionals including attorneys, psychologists and counselors and social workers. And, now, he’s sharing it with the rest of us. On Sunday’s show, we’ll discuss ways to keep your family from getting stuck in a high conflict cycle after a split and how to get out of one if you’re already there. And, we’ll talk about the challenges of partnering with a high conflict parent and effective ways of managing those relationships with our children’s best interests at the forefront.

Can’t catch the show live? Check out the podcast which will be available immediately after the show ends at 11 PM.  Or draw on Bill Eddy’s expertise by posting your questions here, send them to us as info AT weparent DOT com, or tweet us @coparentingshow.

Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Co-Parenting Drama Rx

This week on Co-Parenting Matters we’re discussing co-parenting drama…and the prescription for it. Join us for “Co-Parenting Drama Rx” this Sunday at 9:30pm EST. We’re going to be sharing your questions about co-parenting challenges and dilemmas with a panel of experts who will offer their answers, advice and insights.  And, we hope you’ll call in to share yours, too.

Our Drama Rx panel includes Brooke Randolph, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, or Dr. A, as we like to call him and RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.  Brooke is a licensed mental health counselor and parenting coordinator with a wealth of experience in helping parents sort out their co-parenting relationships.  Dr. A is a family therapist, professor and founder of the Family Center of South Dekalb based in the Atlanta area.  And, RJ Jaramillo is the founder of SingleDad.com, a website and community dedicated to single parenting and especially to supporting newly divorced, remarried and widowed fathers. They’ll all be here, and we’ll be throwing all types of questions and scenarios at them for advice.  Don’t miss this opportunity to have your questions answered.

Send us your questions, concerns and tricky co-parenting situtations.  You can email them to us at info AT weparent DOT com or drop them in the comments section.

Co-Parenting Matters March Line-up

We’ve already kicked off our March line-up on Co-Parenting Matters with the “My Co-Parent Has A New Partner…Now What?” episode.  Our guests were Lauren Navratil, founder of the blog, My Life Incomplete, along with her ex-husband, David, and his girlfriend, Sylvia.

Yeah.  You read that right.

Through their honest sharing, we got a glimpse into the lives of two co-parents…and a partner…all of whom are doing their best (and a great job from our perspective) of creating an environment that puts their son’s well being at the center of it all.  As Lauren and David continue to build their co-parenting relationship, Lauren and Sylvia are establishing a friendship that helps them identify ways that they, too, can partner in giving Lauren and David’s son the most loving family experience they can.  We truly admire the the willingness of this family to share themselves, their experiences and insights about parenthood, divorce and co-parenting.

Check out the archive to get some of the gems they shared.  And, be sure to check out Lauren’s guest post, “We Share the Joy of Raising our Son–50/50″ on CoParenting101.org.

And, here’s what’s up the rest of this month:

Sunday, March 21
Co-Parenting, Step-Parenting and Sugar Milk, Oh My!…An Interview with Ron Mattocks

Set your reminder now for what promises to be both an enlightening and entertaining discussion with Ron Mattocks, founder of the popular Daddy blog, “Clark Kent’s Lunchbox” and author of the soon-to-be released “SugarMilk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can’t Afford Vodka.” We’ll learn about the ups and downs of his journey from corporate CEO to stay-at-home Dad, his experiences as a father to three boys and two stepdaughters, and his adventures as a co-parent and newlywed. .And, we’re guaranteed to get all of that served up with a healthy dose of humor. Ron has plenty of insights to share about the aftermath of divorce, readjusting to married life, the awkwardness of being a step-dad, the loss of male identity after being laid off, and ultimately, an understanding of what fatherhood really means. We’re excited to have Ron on the show to celebrate the release of “SugarMilk” and to learn a thing or two about how courage, humility and a little humor can turn life’s challenges into one sweet adventure.

Sunday, March 28
Co-Parenting Drama Rx

Got drama? Co-Parenting Matters just might have the prescription. We’re inviting a panel of experts to join us for a show dedicated to answering your questions and suggesting solutions to all kinds of tricky co-parenting scenarios. So, email us your questions, challenges, frustrations to contact AT coparentingmatters DOT com or to info AT WeParent DOT com, and let our Drama Rx team help you sort it out.

MamaSpeak: Too Much Unfinished Business

For most people Thanksgiving is a day to enjoy food, fun and family. But this year, a day that brougt one Florida family together also ripped it apart when a relative shot and killed his sister, an aunt and a 6-year-old cousin after thanksgiving dinner. Relatives say that as he walked away, r turned and said, “I have been waiting 20 years to do this.”

I don’t know what made this man kill there generations of his own flesh and blood, nor do I know what he had held onto for 20 years before he snapped. But I do know that this man’s story is not an original script. No, I have never survived a family ambush. But, I have had a front-row seat at family events where relatives showed up with anger and resentment in tow from some past transgression, only to isolate themselves and sulk instead of mingling and having a good time.

The wounds of childhood can take a lifetime to heal, if ever. And left unchecked, these feelings of resentment begin to fester and cause one to distance themselves not only physically, but also emotionally. Some say time heals all wounds. But I say time heals nothing. This gunman is proof that unfinished business doesn’t heal itself. I’ve also witnessed it in my own family.

My parents grew up in the same Mississippi town. Their families were close, and for the most part everyone got along. But with 23 children between them, there were bound to be conflicts from time-to-time. And although they’re not quite the Capulets and Montagues, there is some ongoing bitterness between between them that should have been dealt with and buried a long time ago. But it’s like the elephant in the room that no one is willing to sink their teeth into to start a healing process. If not for them, for their children.

As a child of divorce, my mind was polluted with information about why my father left and how my mother’s family drove him away. I heard things from aunts and uncles that should have been labeled “For Grown Folks Only.” I didn’t care about it then or now, because those are their issues, not mine.

When I found myself going through a divorce, any issues I had with my ex-husband or his family were dealt with directly, and not by way of the children. It wasn’t always easy for me to not bash him, even in truth sometimes. But I took the high road, choosing to keep our problems between us.

My ex played more of a victim role than me. His way of dealing with me was in much the same way that my folks dealt with each other, through the kids. Although I don’t believe he acted maliciously, that doesn’t alter the long-term effects it could potentially have.

My children will deal with the divorce as an adult differently than they did as children. I can already see how they are processing it through a different lens. An adult lens. My prayer is that they know that we did the best that we could with what we knew how to do, even if we fell short. And if they have any resentment, we don’t have to let this go on for 20 years. Let’s finish that business now, so we can come together in peace and harmony.

Words from the Wise: Too Much Drama from My Baby Mama

Dear Words from the Wise,

I am a father who tries to do right by his kids.  But, my baby mama makes it hard by constantly trying to control what I do with them, who I have them around, etc.  I’m no deadbeat.  I pay child support, I keep my word, but still all I get from her is drama…unnecessary drama…and I don’t even know where it’s coming from except that I was the one who ended the relationship.  One week things are cool and the next, she’s keeping them from me, because I let them stay up too late, or something minor in the scheme of things.  Honestly, I’m at the point where I am tired of all the drama, and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it.  Maybe I should just wait til they’re older and then try to have the kind of relationship I want with them.  For now, I keep trying, but how do I deal with my frustration and anger with this woman, so I can keep up the good fight?  I love my kids, but the drama is just too much sometimes.

Sincerely,
D., Chicago

Dear Brother:

First of all thank you for writing, and thank you for your commitment to and love for your children.  You write that you only get drama from your children’s mother and that you “don’t know where it’s coming from.”  However, in the next sentence, it’s obvious that you have a pretty good idea where it might be coming from.  You don’t say what the relationship was with your children’s mother, whether you were married or not, however, since you talk about “kids” (more than one), you must have been together for at least a few years.  You say you are the one who ended the relationship and you hint that maybe this has something to do with the drama from your ex.  Without details from you we can only guess that she is:  1) Grieving the loss of love and security in an important relationship; or 2)  finding it difficult to let go of anger and resentment left over from whatever bad experiences she shared with you in the relationship before you left.  So whether it is because of grief or anger that you are having conflict over the children, it is clear that there are serious emotional blocks to the two of you being able to work together for the best interest of your children right now.  

There are several approaches you could take to this problem.  The worst thing to do would be to surrender your rights as a father and to “wait until they are older” to have a relationship with them.  The years of your disappearance would create too wide a river to get back across without damage to the memory of you for your children.  I strongly advise you to stay engaged with your children through all of this.  

I also suggest that you try to talk to your ex about the common love that you both share for the children.  Talk to her about your common hopes and your shared expectations for their safety, happiness and well-being.  Even though you both share in these things, your lives have taken different paths when she may have expected or hoped that you would be a family together.

Even though you are now apart, it might be wise if the two of you made a decision to find a family therapist who is willing to consult with you both to help you develop a co-parenting plan that will include more effectively both of your approaches and ideas for raising your children.  No differently than if you had remained together, you will both still need to learn to compromise and cooperate in raising your children.  And just as a couple who is together might need a counselor to help them get through times of negative communication, the two of you might benefit from the help of a therapist who is knowledgeable about the impact of conflicting emotions and life choices on the ability of two people to parent together.  Demonstrate your willingness to seek the best interest of your children to your ex by suggesting that you seek support from a professional who will help you both discover both your weaknesses as well as your strengths that can be brought into play for the best interest of your children.

All the best,

Dr. A

These words of wisdom were provided by WeParent expert panelist, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, Marriage and Family therapist.

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