Co-Parenting Messages in the Music: Saigon’s Fatherhood

We’re not sure how we missed this one, but it’s never too late to celebrate Black fatherhood or a hip hop single that breaks Daddy love down so you feel the power coming through YouTube.  And, even though Saigon isn’t really talking about co-parenting in this testament to his love for his baby girl and commitment to be the best father he can, we’re loving these lyrics:

And it might sound a little bit cliche
But I’m lovin’ you even more each day
And even tho’ me and your mother don’t click
If it’ll benefit you, I’ll do whatever she say

Now, we’re not saying that coparenting equals doing what Mama says, but we’re loving this father for talking about making it work, despite conflict, for the sake of his beautiful daughter.

Thanks to StreetPositive.com for posting this on their Million Father March page where we found it.  And thanks, Saigon, for this tribute to fatherhood and for inspiring us to ask:

What other songs should we feature that talk about Black fatherhood, motherhood and/or talk about co-parenting issues (the good, the bad and the ugly)?

One Million Fathers March their Kids to School

All over the country, fathers, grandfathers, big brothers and other men who care are descending upon America’s schools with their children on the first day of school.  The Million Father March has become a powerful day on which fathers demonstrate their commitment to their children, their families, and their communities through their massive presence at school.

The Black Star Project, in partnership with local community organizations, sponsors the Million Father March on the first-day-of-school in hundreds of cities across the United States and internationally. An estimated 600,000 men in 475 cities participated last year and the number is expected to grow this year.

Research shows that children whose fathers take an active role in their educational lives earn better grades, score higher on tests, enjoy school more and are more likely to graduate from high school and attend college. Additionally, children have fewer behavior problems when fathers listen to and talk with them regularly and are active in their lives. A good father is part of a good parenting team and is critical to creating a strong family structure. Strong family structures produce children who are more academically proficient, socially developed and self-assured. Such children become adults who are valuable assets to their communities.

Participants in the event include fathers, grandfathers, foster fathers, stepfathers, uncles, cousins, big brothers, significant male caregivers and friends of the family. Although this event was created by African-American fathers, women and men of all ethnicities are invited to march their children to school on their first day and to continue to be engaged powerful forces in the academic success of our children.

Contact the Black Star Project at (773)285-9600 or blackstar1000 AT ameritech DOT net for more information on the Million Father March and to find out how you can participate or organize an event in your area.

The Million Father March Pledge for Fathers and Men

I will take my children or a child to school and I will be at a school on the first day to encourage all children to do their best every day at school.

I am responsible for the education of my child.

I will volunteer at my child’s school three times this school year.

I will pick up my child’s progress report or grade report when required.

I will meet with my child’s teachers at least two times this year and support them in educating my child.

I will teach my child the value of family as well as the value of education.

I will mentor my child or a child and I will teach children the values of education and family as well as the value of life.

I will work with my child’s mother or guardian to achieve the best academic and social outcomes for my child even if I do not live with my child.

Fatherhood Freestyle: Speak Up on WeParent.com

We’re looking for a few good men…

Fathers, to be exact.  Black Fathers to be even exact-er.

WeParent is currently looking for new regular and guest contributors to write for our Fatherhood Freestyle column.  If you’re interested in telling your side of the story, send an email to info AT WeParent DOT com.  Be sure to follow these guidelines:

• Subject line should be:  Fatherhood Freestyle Submission–YOUR NAME
• In the email (not in a separate document)  include your submission which should be between 500 and 800 words.
• In the email (not in a separate document) include a 3 or 4-sentence bio
• A statement indicating whether you’re interested in being a regular monthly contributor or a guest contributor

If your submission is selected, we will contact you with additional details.

And, don’t forget to send in your submission for Fatherhood Freestyle:  The Book!  Get details here.

Fatherhood Freestyle: The Weekenders

MamaSpeak: Honor Thy Absent Father

Another Father’s Day has come and gone, and judging by some of the blogs and message boards I read, this was one of the most controversial ones I think I’ve ever experienced. From mothers not wanting to be wished a Happy Father’s Day (even if it’s just to say have a happy day), to religious teachers spreading the Good News that the Word of God forbids us from calling any man father, to adult children lamenting a father’s absence during their childhood. There’s one thing for sure, the day set aside to honor dads doesn’t come with nearly as much pomp and ceremony as the one when we honor moms.

So, why is it so hard for many of us to wish the man whose DNA is woven into the fibers of our being a Happy Father’s Day? Why can’t we just do it? I wish I had an answer, but I don’t. My best guess is that some daddies are just easier to love than others. For some, that may have something to do with the fact that he stayed. While, with others, it may have a lot to do with the fact that he left. Either way, there’s no denying the effect his absence–or presence–plays in our lives well into adulthood.

My father was one of the ones who left. And to this day, I love him truly, madly, deeply. But, admittedly, there was a time when that love came from a sense of duty I felt for his being responsible for my existence. As I’ve evolved in love and as a person, I now know that I love him just because. I love him because he’s not perfect—and neither am I. I love him because he’s made mistakes—and so have I. Nevertheless, having his blood running through my veins never generated an automatic emotional bond or connection to him. That probably explains why when it comes to determining who I’ll send a Father’s Day greeting to, I find myself bypassing him, and going straight for the men who have had the most influence on me: brothers, cousins, uncles, ministers, co-workers. It’s never a conscious effort to omit him. It’s just that when I think of fathers, these are the men that come to mind. They’ve mentored my children, stepped in to be a surrogate dad in the absence of my own, and modeled the behavior and attributes that I want my husband to possess.

I called and sent text messages to all of them, while my father received nothing. And I’m okay with that, because I’m over the emotional tug-o-war of should I/shouldn’t I: Should I let him walk me down the aisle? Shouldn’t I have called him on his birthday, even if I didn’t remember? Whether my decision is yes or no, neither is an indicator of whether I love him or not.

I harbor no anger or bitterness toward him for anything that he did or did not do. Love does not demand its own way, and it does not keep a record of any wrongs. I hold him in high respect, which doesn’t include the Father’s Day fanfare of greeting cards and ties. I love him the way that I choose. And that’s more for me more than for him. And it’s because of this peace that I’m able to give and receive Eros love with a mate in spite of not having grown up with my daddy.

I know how difficult it can be to honor an absent father. We must all love and honor them in our own way. And our decision can’t be based on a scorecard that we’ve been tallying all the hurts and wrongs on. Honor him by letting go of the fact that he wasn’t there. If not for him, then do it for you.

MamaSpeak: Stop Wishing Me “Happy Father’s Day!”

It’s a blessing to have loved ones who support and encourage you through life’s biggest challenges. My gratitude for this blessing runs deep. My understanding of how sincere and well-intentioned their actions have been – complete. Nonetheless, there is one day of the year when well-meaning gestures create such dissonance within me that I dread to see it coming: Father’s Day.

It never fails. Every Father’s Day at least three people will wish me a Happy Father’s Day. I am not a father. I can’t ever be a father. There is nothing I could ever do to completely take the place of my son’s absent father. And I’ve never tried. I simply accepted the fact that my co-parent chose to be an absent father, and vowed to be the best mother I could be. I also prayed that, in terms of developing my son into a healthy, productive contributor to society, everything I and others who cared for him could give him would be sufficient.

Looking back on it now, raising a son with an absent father has been a chronically painful experience. While there wasn’t an urgent, intrusive or even daily awareness of it, the hurt was always there – subtly woven into the backdrop of my experience as a mom. We all want our children to have everything necessary to support their healthy development, and I knew my son didn’t have a father. I also knew that on some level he had to hurt, too; which was at the root of my own pain. He grew up with a diverse group of classmates and friends and most of their fathers were present and active. The same was true for the friendships developed through athletic and extracurricular activities. I was always fearful of how he felt, and to be honest, how they felt about him. I never wanted him to feel as though he was lacking because of what his father chose not to give him. Nor did I want him to be judged as “missing something in his home” by the parents of his friends and peers because he was being raised by a single mother. A lot of fear and pain colored my experience as a mother with an absent co-parent. But, fortunately, love, commitment and determination dominated it.

I’ve been many things to my son: mom, tutor, confidant, friend, etc.; but never a father. I hated the fact that my son was growing up without one. However, I refused to hide from it and, instead, acknowledged the void it created in his life and knew there had to be alternatives to filling it. The value that having a loving and engaged father adds to a child’s life is priceless and irreplaceable; however, I’ve learned that there are alternatives that offer some of the “essence” of that experience for children with absent fathers.

Mothers, we have to build a village. We have to create a network of support around us and our children that includes family, friends, neighbors, educators, mentors, coaches…the list goes on. We have to expose our children to positive male figures who genuinely care about their well-being and success, and who are willing to invest something in our children to prove it: The uncle who talks to and embraces him as his own; the basketball coach who is committed to showing up for practice every day because he is passionate about the sport and the young boys who want to learn it; The friend’s dad who invites him to a movie and a day of refining his basketball skills with them; the science teacher who tells him he’s smart and should consider a career in science. All of these, and countless others, are examples of small deposits men have made into my son that have made a big difference in his life and mine.

But I had to show up. I had to make the effort to expose him to the passionate coach by signing him up for the sport and getting him to practice and games. I had to help facilitate the friendships with classmates and peers whose parents served as positive role models and took an interest in him. I had to show up for teacher “meet and greets” and PTA meetings and show teachers and administrators that I was an engaged parent and expected the same from them as educators. And I just happened to be blessed with the best brother any single mother could have who has invested so much love, time and money in my son that I could never repay him.

I’m not a father, so please don’t wish me Happy Father’s Day. I praise the men who are loving and committed fathers and know that I could never be them. I’m just a mother who recognized the void an absent father created in her son’s life and invited a village to stand with me in the gap. A mother who made sure there was no shortage of love.

Co-Parenting Matters June Line-up

We’re celebrating Father’s Month on Co-Parenting Matters!  Check out our line up celebrating dads:

June 6: Full Custody Dad with Fred Campos, founder of Daddy Got Custody, LLC

June 13:  Bonds, Not Blood with guests William Foster and Brandon Wilson, two dads co-parenting children who are not biologically related, after a break-up.

June 20: Dads Behind Bars with Fatherhood Freestyle columnist Mike McCrae, and Britni Danielle, who blogs about her experiences at ThisSideoftheWall

June 27 :  Odd Man Out: The Distant Non-Custodial Parent vs. The Everyday Stepfather with David, who blogs at InkogNegro 2.0

Join us via phone at (646)378-0580,or listen to our live stream at blogtalkradio.com/CoParentingMatters.

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“Co-Parenting Matters” is a live, weekly, online talk show airing Sundays at 9:30 PM EST on BlogTalkRadio.  The show is a collaborative effort between WeParent.com and CoParenting101.org.

Fatherhood Freestyle: Honoring Mothers

In the spirit of “mama-love,” this father would like to take the opportunity to recognize the importance of mothers in his life and in his ability to father a daughter. So, let me start by saying thank you to my own dear mother and the many mothers who took part in raising me, guiding me, and just loving me.

Growing up, I was blessed to have been raised by an amazing mother. She was a strong woman who instilled in us so many positive characteristics. While I could go on and on about the many wonderful things my mother did for me, I think the thing I am most thankful for is that she taught me how to take care of myself and exercise responsibility and accountability. We did not have a lot of money growing up, and many times struggled to have our basic needs met. However, no matter how difficult things got, my mom taught me how to go after what I wanted and find the win in life. That attribute alone has been a major part of my successes to this day. For example, when I didn’t have enough money for college and my family could not afford it, I went out and literally “raised” the money. When I started my law practice and may not have had the necessary funds, I found access to capital when the banks turned me down. The bottom line is my mom taught us how to work and find a way to accomplish our goals regardless of our resources.

Learning how to find that win in all situations turned out to be fundamentally important in my co-parenting relationship. I guess that is the real focus of this blog. You see, my daughter’s mom and I have had a relationship that has touched on every emotion and seemingly every possible scenario. We have gone from peace to discord, love to anger, yearning to emptiness. Over the past twelve years, our relationship has traveled from the real to the surreal and back again. Through it all, I have learned some important lessons about finding the win and appreciating the importance of mothers.

While I may still be hurt in some respects, I have unequivocally concluded that a peaceful relationship with my co-parent far outweighs the alternative. It is real easy to focus on how I was wronged in the failed relationship. It is easy for me to see things through my perspective only. It takes real courage to see through hurt and understand my co-parent’s positions and perspectives. Having had the opportunity to parent through anger, court, battles and disagreement, I have learned that we must find a way to co-exist and co-parent peacefully. In that spirit and during this month that we recognize mothers, I want to take the opportunity to acknowledge my daughter’s mother and thank her for being a loving mom to our daughter.

I also want to encourage fathers to thank your children’s mother. Even if the relationship is strained, recognizing her importance and value will go a long way. Reflect on the importance of your mother and remember your child will likely value his or her mother in the same way. Fathers, continue to work towards a peaceful relationship with your co-parent, continue to get through the pain and struggle and do everything you can to find peace in your co-parenting relationship. From someone who has been through it all, peace is the best situation for you and for the children. So, let us men honor all the mothers in our lives.

Fatherhood Freestyle: My Story….Not My Father’s

I love women. I can find something attractive on almost anyone of them. It could be their eyes, their smile or the way they carry themselves with confidence. I don’t have a particular type or shape or color preference. Long hair doesn’t turn me on more than short, curvy bodies more than straight, tall over short. Intelligence and a sense of humor goes a long way though..

I was raised by women, have raised women and some of my closest friends are women. I’ve worked as the only male in treatment center for females and survived and thrived. Women have shaped my life, contributed to the man I’ve become and the values I have.

Whenever I would envision the way I would begin the story of my life it always began this way, with most of these words. For one thing, the words are true; women have played a huge role in my life. And I am clear that another reason why is my father.

My father and I have never lived in the same house, have never played catch, shared a joke or a laugh. We have never watched a sporting event, taken a walk or watched a cartoon together. And while many adults could make the same claims for many reasons: “my father died when I was 2” or “he ran away when I was born” or “my mama wasn’t sure who my daddy was”.. I do know who he is. I know his name and occupation and where he lives. His physical absence from my life played as big a role in my shaping as the women who were present. And notice I said his physical absence; emotionally he has been and remains one of my major influences.

As the women in my childhood taught me and scolded me and fed me, my father’s effect was subtle, almost unnoticeable until my teenage years. This increased as I grew into manhood, became a tidal wave as I became a parent to my daughter, and exploded in a crescendo as I became a father to a son. I can remember the joy and wonder I felt as I looked into my daughter’s eyes for the first time, the pride and relief of knowing she was safe, healthy and whole. The comfort I felt in feeding her, changing her and making her laugh. To this day she still takes my heart to the top of the clouds just to be in her presence. The birth of my son added a new wrinkle and sense of wonder; while my daughter was clearly related to me, my blood, my offspring- my son was a mini version of me. We shared more than similar physical features, he wanted to play sports, to wrestle, to fight, to play catch. We used our fingers to hold objects in the same way, crossed our legs and hummed while eating something special. And as I became more aware of these similarities and shared traits, that’s when my father’s presence or lack of had its biggest impact; I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand how he could leave, how could he know I existed and not been in my life. How could he not play catch, take a walk or share advice with me? Whereas not having my father in my life growing up was accepted as a fact by me, an unalterable truth, becoming a parent and seeing my son and knowing how I felt about both my children, that fact became absurd, insane, truly, beyond any words I can use.

And I have tried desperately to understand. I have thought and thunk, asked friends and strangers, spoken to clients and read books. I even went to my father and asked him directly. “Well, your mother didn’t want me around” was the first deflection, followed by “and to be honest with you, I’m not even sure if I am your father”. And that was the beginning of my enlightenment and release. At that moment, the utterance of that blatant and obvious lie, I realized that whatever I was looking for, I would not find it in him. There would be no guidance, no embrace, no shared experiences; as alike as we were in appearance, our build, our hands and that slightly up tilted Bob Hope nose, we were completely different in our hearts, our view of ourselves. Whatever motivated him to speak those words, fear, guilt, shame or ignorance, I’ll never truly know (and I can only wonder if he knows). As the father to my kids some of my biggest fears have been ‘Will I be good enough? Can I give them a different life from the one I had?’ Only time and their testament will declare the truth of that. But I know that my children and I share things he and I will never have. The memories of stitches and casts, cakes and wrapping paper and the swell of pride as they walked across various stages marking the advance of their own lives and accomplishments. When I look at them I feel a peace in knowing these are my children, and I am their father.

Call for Submissions: Fatherhood Freestyle…The Book

Fatherhood Freestyle: The Unheard Voices of Single Black Fathers
(working title)

Open Call for Submissions

Summary:

WeParent seeks submissions for an anthology expressing the insights, experiences, and feelings of African-American fathers who are no longer in relationships with their child(ren)’s mother, and who are co-parenting, solo-parenting and/or have or have attempted to do either. This book is intended for publication in mid-to-late 2011.

Deadline for submissions: October 15, 2010

Overview:

The purpose of this anthology is to explore the experiences of African-American fathers who are no longer involved with their child(ren)’s other parent but who are, have or seek to be engaged, active fathers nonetheless. WeParent seeks to amplify the often unheard voices of single, divorced, and separated African-American fathers who are parenting their children. Through a combination of probing blog posts from the popular “Fatherhood Freestyle” blog on WeParent.com and original personal essays from other contributors, WeParent seeks to pierce through the deafening charges of deadbeat absentee-baby-daddyism and offer refreshing and enlightening perspectives on parenting, co-parenting, step-dating and step-parenting, remarriage and more.

We seek essays that offer transparency and heartfelt honesty, as well as inspiration to fathers committed to navigating the sometimes tumultuous waters of fatherhood in the absence of a relationship with the other parent.

Our project is still in its early stages and we realize that at this point, though we have dedicated contributors, we cannot make any guarantees about the collection’s outcome; however, we are confident that this project will appeal to publishers for a number of reasons. One prominent reason is the focus currently being placed on fathers and fatherhood by the Obama administration and increased attention in the media. When we have a publishing contract in hand, the essays will undoubtedly go through a review process with the publisher’s readers and ultimate acceptance of articles for the book will depend on that process.

Possible topics to explore include:

• Impact of your childhood and your parents’ relationship on your experience of fatherhood
• Your journey through fatherhood, co-parenting, remarriage
• How you experience other people’s perceptions of African-American fathers/single fathers
• Your challenges and/or victories with custody, child support issues
• Insights you have gained as a co-parent, single parent, step-parent
• Experiences related to dating as a single father
• Challenges, failures and victories you have experienced in parenting or co-parenting

We are open to any topic as long as it shares your personal story and/or insights.

Submission guidelines:

• Submissions should be no longer than 5,000 words.
• Good writing skills are helpful, but not necessary. Mostly, we are looking for powerful insights and stories that share the hearts and wisdom of our contributors. We will work with you to polish your writing.
• Be sure to include full contact information, including your name, address, phone number and email address. Also, please remember to notify us at once if you move, change your phone number or email. (If you wish to remain anonymous, let us know, and we won’t include your name in the book.)
• Submissions should be sent via mail (our preference) or email. When mailing, please include a stamped, self-addressed envelope (SASE) so we can return submissions we are unable to use. Without a SASE, submissions cannot be returned.
• Each contributor chosen for the anthology will receive, as compensation, one (1) copy of the completed anthology within one month of publication.
• The deadline for final submissions is October 15, 2010. However, it may take you some time to write your submission. So that we will know if you are considering making a submission, please send us a brief letter via email or mail to notify us of your intention to submit by June 1, 2010. The letter of intent should include your contact information, along with your proposed topic. Your letter of intent in no way obligates you to make a submission. It merely allows us to provide you with information and support during this process.
• Final drafts of submissions must be postmarked on or before October 15, 2010. The final selection process will begin then.
• Address your submissions to:

WeParent
Attn: Fatherhood Freestyle
PMB 153
1000 Whitlock Ave., Suite 320
Marietta, GA 30064

Or send an email with subject ‘’Fatherhood Freestyle Book Submission’’ to: info AT weparent DOT com.

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