MamaSpeak: Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner

I love spending time with family. Holidays, reunions, weddings, and even deaths, have their way of bringing us together. And, like most families, we have a love/hate relationship where we love each other harder than we fight, fight for one another more than against each other, and yearn to be together when we’re apart. I just wish all this love didn’t come with such a high price or any feelings of obligation.

Family love has made me sometimes spend money I couldn’t afford to spend, buy gifts I didn’t want to give, and travel to places I didn’t want to go. All because I knew saying, “No,” would require an exhaustive explanation, replete with a list of why I couldn’t do it, only to be met with a rebuttal of why I should. A simple, “I can’t afford it,” would never suffice. So I’ve never offered. But, this year it’s a must.

I’m making a lot of changes in my life. As an empty-nester who put herself on the backburner to raise her children, I’m learning to be single. And, alas, I’m back in the city where I’ve always wanted to return. My relocation caused a temporary financial setback from which I’m still recovering, but making the sacrifices necessary to accept a job that pays 200% more than the highest bidder in my previous city made perfect sense to me. As an added bonus, I get to live in a place that I love. But to those who can’t relate to living life on one’s own terms, it is illogical. They say that surely, I must be chasing a man. And that’s okay, because on November 26, 2009, I will be a Thanksgiving orphan—no explanation needed.

Although money is an issue, I know that it is not the only issue. If it were, I wouldn’t keep having flashbacks to places of unfinished business: a father who wasn’t—and isn’t—around, a mother—MY mother—picking up her infant daughter from her mother-in-law and asking about a child of the same age lying on the same couch (It was later learned that it was my father’s child with another woman.), and an aunt’s voice yelling at me after my mother was admitted into the hospital for the last time, saying that the reason my brother was so angry is because my mother always criticized my father. I still find it peculiar that, out of seven children, he’s the only one with whom she had those private moments of criticism.

My tone may sound angry, but I’m not. In an ongoing effort to take back my power and reclaim my purpose, I must learn to function from a place of love and not duty. In order to be emotionally whole, I must process the pain and move on. An honest conversation would be nice, but since my mother isn’t here to defend herself, I’m not even interested. On top of that, I’m tired of folks trying to rewrite history with lies, even with the things I witnessed firsthand.

Unfortunately, my kids are having similar experiences. They made tremendous sacrifices to spend Thanksgiving with their dad’s family last year, and he didn’t show up. He simply said that he had other plans. The children were very upset, but I didn’t comment either way, because it’s important that I allow them to own their feelings. He and his brother called a couple weeks ago and said they’d like for them to come again this year. They all declined, opting to enjoy the holiday together with their friends. In a perfect world, they would be excited about spending time with their family. But in that same world, my ex’s family wouldn’t make spending time with them feel like such an obligation.

‘Tis the Season to Spend…or Not

Believe it or not, the holidays are right around the corner and you know what that means – lots of toys, presents, and extra expenses. If you didn’t plan for your holiday expenses in advance, you may be tempted to rely on spending now and paying later. But that may not be your smartest move, especially if you don’t want to start the New Year with extra debt.

So what can you do to share the joys of the holidays without breaking the bank? Here’s a five-step plan to get you started:

1. Create a holiday budget. Take a look at what’s coming in, what’s going out for household expenses, and what’s left over. The amount left over is the maximum amount of extra money you can afford to spend for the holidays, plus any savings you have accumulated for the holidays. If you must to go beyond your budget, make a commitment to pay off holiday debt as quickly as possible so that you don’t end up paying a lot more for the items you purchased because of added interest or other carrying charges.

2. Find out everyone’s wish list. Don’t guess. Ask your kids what they really want for Christmas and then discuss their wants and needs with your ex to see what their plans are. If you can work together you can prevent duplicate gifts, the need to compete during the holidays, and your kids can get things they want and need. In some cases, this may even mean going in with your ex to purchase gifts for the kids instead of making separate purchases.

3. Create a list of everyone you plan to buy gifts for, assign a dollar amount to each one (based on the budget you created in Step 1), and shop early. In the case of your kids, don’t get upset if you can’t afford to buy everything on their list. However, if possible, purchase at least one item that is important to them. Whether you decide to get one large item or several small ones, stick to your budget. Sales should be everywhere this year, so take your time and look for ones on the items you want. And don’t be afraid to ask for a price reduction if you find something that’s not on sale. Many stores are willing to bargain and some are offering options like lay-away that can make your holiday shopping easier. By starting early you have a better chance of getting what you want at a reasonable price.
   
4. Don’t forget to celebrate the reason for the season. This usually doesn’t cost very much, and If there was ever a family season, this is it. Sometimes we get so caught up in the commercialism of the holidays that we forget to celebrate the real reason for Christmas. Spend time with your family and participate in family activities, share stories about what Christmas was like when you were a kid, and take your kids to visit family and friends they may not see too often. Make the holidays about family. This will create memories that will be much more precious than things you buy.

5. Plan and prepare for next year as soon as the holidays are over. Choose an amount that you would like to have available for next Christmas, divide that amount by 12, and set aside that amount of money each month in a savings account. This will allow you to relax and enjoy the festivities of the season without the burden of having to pay for it in the coming year.

Happy Holidays!

WeParent Wednesday: Speak Your Mind!

What are the biggest challenges during the holidays for you as a single parent, co-parent or step-parent?

Co-Parenting Holiday Survival Guide…on the next “Co-Parenting Matters”

With Thanksgiving less than a month away, the holidays are right around the corner.   For many co-parents, this season is one of the most challenging in terms of shared custody, cooperation, and communication.  How well you and your ex communicate and get along–or not–will determine how joyous and peaceful this time of year will be for your kids.

In our family, we generally alternate holidays.  This year, our son will be with his father for the Thanksgiving break, me for the week Christmas and back to his father for New Year’s Eve.  If we’re both in town, we’ll spend Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day together.  But, if not, it means that our son is away from one of us.  He seems to manage just fine, distracted by all the celebration, gifts and food–a phone call is enough.  I, on the other hand, struggle sometimes, missing him and wanting holidays to be more like they were for me as a kid.  But, knowing that he is happy and having a complete blast with people who love him gets me through it.

How will your family spend the holidays?  Do you and your fellow co-parent have a solid kid-centered plan in place?

We’ll be discussing holiday survival tips for co-parents on the next episode of our new talk show, “Co-Parenting Matters.” Join me and our friends Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas of CoParenting101 as we discuss the highs and lows of co-parenting at this time of year and share tips for coping with being away from your children during the holidays,holiday shopping on a budget, and effective ways to make sure your children enjoy their holidays no matter what your relationship is with their other parent.

Our guests will be Brooke Randolph, licensed mental health counselor and parenting coordinator, along with Patricia Stallworth of Minding Your Money.

Tune in: November 1, 2009 from 9:30pm to 11pm

Call (646)378-0580 or visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/CoParentingMatters to listen live and join in the discussion.

Send your questions in advance to contact@coparentingmatters.com, tweet us at @coparentingshow, or leave a comment below.  We want to hear from you!