Lifelines for Co-Parenting: Be the Wise One in Your Next Argument

We really love Lifelines: The Book of Black Proverbs, a treasure of wisdom from African peoples across the globe.  The book offers short but potent advice, warnings, and witticisms that apply to every area of life…including co-parenting.  So, keep your eyes open for our new regular feature where we share a proverb and apply it to the art of co-parenting.  And, now for the debut of “Lifelines for Co-Parenting.”

When two quarrel, it is the first
to stop who is the wisest.

–South Africa

Conflict happens. That’s a given. Too, often that conflict shows up as incessant arguing between parents. Everybody’s in it to win it and only willing to stop if the other one does. We all know just how effective that strategy is.

Yes, it’s true, we can’t change the fact that conflict will rear it’s head.  What we can control, though, is how we respond to it. So, if the argue-them-into-submission strategy isn’t really working for you, here are a few others that might serve your co-parenting relationship better.

1. Figure out why you’re arguing…and then check yourself. Just stop! We argue for different reasons. Some people think arguing is healthy. They like to play devil’s advocate, even though the conversation is clearly going to hell. Sometimes, loud talking is just a reflection of our belief that we aren’t being heard. Of course, yelling at or over the other parent doesn’t get us the listening ear we think we’re missing. But, no one said any of this had to make sense. Then, there are those of us who use arguing as a way to stay connected by any means necessary. Knowing that we can get a rise out of the other parent gives us some sick sense of still mattering to him or her. And, then, there are the verbal batterers. They don’t hit, but they seek to execute a verbal beatdown that may be as damaging.  Figure out your angle, and then seek to make a shift by asking yourself what you really want from the other parent if things were ideal.  If your angle isn’t getting you that, then hush, breathe and take a time out.

2. Shift perspective by putting yourself in the other parent’s shoes. We all bring different values, judgments, motivations and objectives to this party. And guess what? The other parent is just as sure and certain and passionate about the “fact” that s/he is right, as you are. So, focusing your efforts on proving your right-ness is an uphill, if not losing, battle. Instead, role play a little. Look at the issue from the perspective of the other parent. Consider what she or he might be feeling. What does s/he care about? What objections might s/he have? What solutions or alternatives might be workable for him or her? Just like a room looks different if you’re in a headstand, turning your co-parenting conflict upside down may help you see something you couldn’t see when you were “right”-side up.

3. Establish rules of engagement. You already know that your time-for-battle muscles start to tingle when you feel a disagreement coming on. Try a preemptive strike by setting some ground rules up front. Try agreeing that neither parent will interrupt the other for a specified amount of time…and then use a kitchen timer to keep yourselves honest. Take notes if you just have to, but better yet…listen. You just might hear something that enlightens you. The worst case scenario is that you earn some good will by allowing the other parent to feel heard. Pinky swear that neither parent will call the other one names or make sweeping, generalized comments about the other. And, finally, promise to focus on the issues and the solutions and not who should take all the blame for initiative the problem. That is a waste of time and energy that just won’t move you forward. And, in the end, it does nothing for your children.

Like the proverb suggests, it takes two to quarrel; but only one to end it. Hopefully, these strategies will help you be the wiser of the two.

What tips can you share for managing disagreements with your co-parent?

Book Giveaway: Lifelines-The Black Book of Proverbs

It’s Kwanzaa time!  It’s Kwanzaa time!  Well, really, it’s not.  But, we’re getting started early.

In the Kwanzaa tradition of giving away homemade and educational gifts, we’re excited to give one lucky WeParent reader a hardcover copy of the new Lifelines:  The Black Book of Proverbs by our dear friend Askhari Johnson Hodari and her co-author, Yvonne McCalla Sobers.

Lifelines is a treasure of short witty wisdom from all over the globe.  The book includes clever, pointed and even poetic guidance for all areas of life like:

• Birth and Parenting: “When a yam does not grow well, do not blame the yam; it is because of the soil.” (Ghana)
• Marriage: “Getting married is nothing: it is assuming the responsibility of marriage that counts.”(Haiti)
• Money Problems: “The poor person does not experience poverty all the time.” (Ghana)
• Peace and War: “To engage in conflict, one does not bring a knife that cuts but a needle that sews. (Kiswahili)

And, yes, we believe, even co-parenting.  Beginning next week, in fact, we’ll be highlighting Lifelines that we believe offer guidance for co-parenting.  So, look for and heed those words of wisdom in some of our upcoming posts.  You can also receive Daily Lifelines from the authors right in your inbox.

To enter to win your very own copy of Lifelines:  The Black Book of Proverbs, just leave a comment here with your own words of wisdom no later than 11:59pm EST on Friday, December 18, 2009. Winners will be announced here on WeParent.com.

And, here are a few other ways to increase your odds of winning:

• Become a WeParent fan on Facebook, and then leave a comment here to let us know.
• Sign up for our newsletter if you aren’t already on our mailing list.  If you are on our newsletter, forward it to a friend.
• Join WeParent Connect, our online community of parents and parent advisers.
• Purchase a copy of Lifelines:  The Book of Black Proverbs, and send us a copy of your email confirmation to contests at WeParent dot com.

There you go!  Five chances to win!  The winner must be a US or Candian resident or have an US mailing address.

Good luck!

MamaSpeak: It Takes a Village to Support Co-Parents

Many people became familiar with the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” after Hillary Clinton popularized the African proverb in 1996. “Indeed, Clinton’s use of that particular proverb is one of the best known examples of American politicians borrowing from ancient, African intelligence,” says Dr. Askhari Hodari, author of Lifelines: The Black Book of Proverbs. Acknowledging Clinton’s debt to African wisdom, Hodari says, “This proverb actually originated with the Kiswahili speaking people of East Africa and from the area in West Africa now known as Nigeria. Even all these years later, this popular proverb communicates an important message to direct and guide parents.”

And,my son’s father and I are among them. Over the course of our co-parenting relationship, we have found that looking to the village for help and support has made co-parenting easier. Whether it’s to family, friends, teachers or coaches, we make sure our commitment to co-parenting is clear, and we ask for help in fulfilling that commitment. Assistance might come in the form of an agreement to communicate with both of us, learning our son’s schedule, respecting us as co-parents or just lending an understanding ear when the challenges of co-parenting join forces with Murphy’s Law.

For us, it means that our son’s piano teacher actually knows who he’s with on which days and works with that parent to schedule lessons, minimizing the need for either of us to act as the middle-person. His soccer coach texts and emails both of us with team-related messages. And, his teacher works with us to arrange parent-teacher meetings that work for both of us. It also means that both our families respect the parenting time schedule we’ve agreed upon and coordinate with the appropriate parent to schedule activities with our son. Sure, all of this support means that logistics are much easier to manage than before we really embraced this idea of village-supported co-parenting, but it has also resulted in a lot less conflict around logistics. (Somebody say, “Amen!”)

So, here are a few ways we help the village help us; maybe they’ll work for you, too:

• Be up front about the fact that we are co-parenting and sometimes need help. I won’t hesitate to explain to the kind ladies in our son’s school office that I have a co-parenting dilemma and could use their help. The dilemma might be that I’d like to leave medication that my son needs to take to his father’s house with them rather than leave it in his backpack. If they can, given their time and the school policies, they will always help.

• Provide coaches, teachers, etc. with contact information for both parents AND specifically request that they communicate with both of us. Usually, this means that we’re both getting the same information at the same time…the good, the bad and the ugly. This way, we’re both on the same page. And, one of us doesn’t carry the burden of knowing and therefore managing everything.

• Share the parenting time schedule with both parents’ families, teachers, coaches, etc., so everyone understands and respects the “on duty” parent as the primary point of contact during their scheduled time. While you certainly can’t expect others to memorize your schedule, our experience has been that just knowing that there is a schedule will at least trigger the question, “Now, who is he with on Thursdays?” which then leads to a conversation with the appropriate parent. For us, this means family, too. Our families are both willing to communicate not only with the parent who’s related to them, but also with the parent whose time they might be interested in “borrowing.” Our families even have access to the shared online calendar we use to manage our schedule.

• Expand the village by sharing resources. Whether it’s a connection to the parent of a great playdate or a fabulous babysitter, we’ve found that sharing some of our individual resources adds to the richness of our village.

Even though it may not feel like it sometimes, the truth is, we don’t have to do this alone. It may be family, coaches, dance instructors, doctors, neighbors or our church community; whatever the form, the village is there to support us. We just have to let it. And, in case you forget, here are a couple more proverbs from Lifelines to remind you, courtesy of Dr. Hodari:

Cross the river in a crowd and the crocodile won’t eat you.
—Africa

When the load fatigues the head, the shoulder takes over.
—Nigeria (Igbo)

So, WeParent family, who’s in your village?  How do they help you?  And, how do you help them help you?