Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Co-Parenting Drama Rx

This week on Co-Parenting Matters we’re discussing co-parenting drama…and the prescription for it. Join us for “Co-Parenting Drama Rx” this Sunday at 9:30pm EST. We’re going to be sharing your questions about co-parenting challenges and dilemmas with a panel of experts who will offer their answers, advice and insights.  And, we hope you’ll call in to share yours, too.

Our Drama Rx panel includes Brooke Randolph, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, or Dr. A, as we like to call him and RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.  Brooke is a licensed mental health counselor and parenting coordinator with a wealth of experience in helping parents sort out their co-parenting relationships.  Dr. A is a family therapist, professor and founder of the Family Center of South Dekalb based in the Atlanta area.  And, RJ Jaramillo is the founder of SingleDad.com, a website and community dedicated to single parenting and especially to supporting newly divorced, remarried and widowed fathers. They’ll all be here, and we’ll be throwing all types of questions and scenarios at them for advice.  Don’t miss this opportunity to have your questions answered.

Send us your questions, concerns and tricky co-parenting situtations.  You can email them to us at info AT weparent DOT com or drop them in the comments section.

Words from the Wise: Too Much Drama from My Baby Mama

Dear Words from the Wise,

I am a father who tries to do right by his kids.  But, my baby mama makes it hard by constantly trying to control what I do with them, who I have them around, etc.  I’m no deadbeat.  I pay child support, I keep my word, but still all I get from her is drama…unnecessary drama…and I don’t even know where it’s coming from except that I was the one who ended the relationship.  One week things are cool and the next, she’s keeping them from me, because I let them stay up too late, or something minor in the scheme of things.  Honestly, I’m at the point where I am tired of all the drama, and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it.  Maybe I should just wait til they’re older and then try to have the kind of relationship I want with them.  For now, I keep trying, but how do I deal with my frustration and anger with this woman, so I can keep up the good fight?  I love my kids, but the drama is just too much sometimes.

Sincerely,
D., Chicago

Dear Brother:

First of all thank you for writing, and thank you for your commitment to and love for your children.  You write that you only get drama from your children’s mother and that you “don’t know where it’s coming from.”  However, in the next sentence, it’s obvious that you have a pretty good idea where it might be coming from.  You don’t say what the relationship was with your children’s mother, whether you were married or not, however, since you talk about “kids” (more than one), you must have been together for at least a few years.  You say you are the one who ended the relationship and you hint that maybe this has something to do with the drama from your ex.  Without details from you we can only guess that she is:  1) Grieving the loss of love and security in an important relationship; or 2)  finding it difficult to let go of anger and resentment left over from whatever bad experiences she shared with you in the relationship before you left.  So whether it is because of grief or anger that you are having conflict over the children, it is clear that there are serious emotional blocks to the two of you being able to work together for the best interest of your children right now.  

There are several approaches you could take to this problem.  The worst thing to do would be to surrender your rights as a father and to “wait until they are older” to have a relationship with them.  The years of your disappearance would create too wide a river to get back across without damage to the memory of you for your children.  I strongly advise you to stay engaged with your children through all of this.  

I also suggest that you try to talk to your ex about the common love that you both share for the children.  Talk to her about your common hopes and your shared expectations for their safety, happiness and well-being.  Even though you both share in these things, your lives have taken different paths when she may have expected or hoped that you would be a family together.

Even though you are now apart, it might be wise if the two of you made a decision to find a family therapist who is willing to consult with you both to help you develop a co-parenting plan that will include more effectively both of your approaches and ideas for raising your children.  No differently than if you had remained together, you will both still need to learn to compromise and cooperate in raising your children.  And just as a couple who is together might need a counselor to help them get through times of negative communication, the two of you might benefit from the help of a therapist who is knowledgeable about the impact of conflicting emotions and life choices on the ability of two people to parent together.  Demonstrate your willingness to seek the best interest of your children to your ex by suggesting that you seek support from a professional who will help you both discover both your weaknesses as well as your strengths that can be brought into play for the best interest of your children.

All the best,

Dr. A

These words of wisdom were provided by WeParent expert panelist, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, Marriage and Family therapist.

Need advice?  Drop us a line through our Contact form.  If we feature your question, we’ll send you a WeParent t-shirt…and you’ll get some expert advice.

 

Dr. Makungu Akinyela, Ph.D.

Dr. Makungu M. Akinyela, is a Marriage and Family therapist and a much sought after scholar / activist consultant on Black family life as well as an Associate Professor in the African American Studies Department at Georgia State University.  He is a co-founder of the Family Center of South DeKalb, a private practice family therapy center where he specializes in couple and relationship therapy. 

Dr. Akinyela is a Clinical member and an Approved Supervisor of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and past chairperson of the Metro-Atlanta Chapter of the Georgia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.  He has presented and lectured at numerous conferences both nationally and internationally in such places as Adelaide, Australia; Durban, South Africa; Toronto, Canada; Vancouver, BC; Montreal, Canada; Manchester, England, Havana, Cuba and Hong Kong.

Dr. Akinyela serves of the editorial advisory boards of the International Journal of Narrative Therapy and Community Work, the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy; and the Journal of Systemic Therapy.  Dr. Akinyela has written and published several journal articles, book chapters and commissioned monographs on issues related to Black families, mental health, African Centered family therapy and critical pedagogy.