Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Mama’s Kitchen Table Convo

This Sunday night at 9:30 PM EST on “Co-Parenting Matters“, we’re hosting a Mama’s Kitchen Table Convo!  We’ll be chatting about mama-hood, relationships, money, co-parenting, hot topics in the co-parenting blogosphere, and much more!  We’re going to be joined by witty and wondeful mama-friends Lissett (@Cubanitabean on Twitter), Lisa Maria Carroll of Single Mom & More and regular contributor to our very own MamaSpeak (@LisaMCarroll), and the mama behind the MommyGlow blog, Alexandra (@YoungFabMama).  (And, yes, we’re letting Mike listen in, too!)  We hope you’ll bring out the wine and chocolates (or your favorite treat and beverage), pull up a chair, and join us at Mama’s Kitchen Table!

Listen on your phone by calling (646)378-0580 or catch the live stream online.

MamaSpeak: Ending My Maternal Martyrdom

Perhaps I learned it from my mother, or maybe it’s just how we’re socialized—which allows me to not blame my mother. Either way, being a Mommy martyr in my co-parenting relationship came pretty naturally to me. It was such an integral part of how I knew to be that I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

It looked a little like this:

I plan all of our child’s activities, because I am the better planner. You let me, because I am the better planner. Then, I start to feel overwhelmed and resentful about your lack of contribution and dumping all of the responsibility on me. But, you’d just screw it up anyway, so what choice do I have other than to just do it…for the sake of our child?

And, to compound it all, everyone knows that if anything is going to get scheduled, planned, coordinated, organized or sorted out, that I’m the one to contact, so they don’t even have your cell phone number. They call me. And, you let them. Then, I start to feel overwhelmed and resentful that no one calls you; they only call me. But, you’d just screw it up, anyway, so what choice do I have other than to just do it…for the sake of our child? Woe. Is. Me.

You get the picture. The result? I continued to be overwhelmed, exhausted, resentful and alone. He got to feel useless, unconfident as a parent and disconnected. And, none of that was what we wanted.

But, here’s what I had to get before I could change any of that for myself. Buried deep beneath my need to make sure everything was handled perfectly was a deeper need to feel like a great mother. And, hidden deeper still was a nagging suspicion that I actually wasn’t a good enough mother. By clearly establishing myself as the better parent, though, I could get something that resembled reassurance; temporarily anyway, until the next doubt seeped into the cracks of my parenting confidence.

See, by relegating my son’s father to the non-planning parent, the not-as-good-as parent, the parent you love to hate…I was only creating more overwhelm for myself—unnecessarily. At the same time, I was getting an emotional payoff that apparently seemed worth it at the time. In reality, it wasn’t.

I didn’t have to feel like I was doing it alone. And, in fact, I wasn’t. Making the shift wasn’t/isn’t easy. It has required opening up the box and letting him expand a little…maybe even shine now and then. It has demanded that I accept that things may not get done the way or even in the same timeframe in which I would do them. It has taken a little faith, a dose of forgiveness and a whole lot of humility.

Fast forward, and I’ve relinquished a few responsibilities and continue to hand more over. I have found that when I don’t try to do everything, some things still actually get done. Piano homework gets done, birthday gifts get purchased, and the little guy gets picked up from school (late, but he gets picked up!). On top of that, I get to build a life beyond my household, get to remember what it feels like to be a whole human being again.

And, we both get to be great parents…which is what we both really want and our son really needs.

Does anybody feel me on this?  How are you martyring yourself unnecessarily?

MamaSpeak: Setting Single Moms Up for Success

I believe that the most important step in moving forward is accepting where you are. In the mid-1990’s, as a young African-American single mother, I found myself having to do just that. I was twenty-something with limited education, income and resources, caring for a young son whose father was largely absent. Fed up with constantly trying to force my ex to accept his share of the responsibility, and frustrated with trying, unsuccessfully, to secure child support in a system several states away, I felt that there had to be a better way. Sitting in my tiny apartment one night, crying and overwhelmed after another fruitless attempt to track down my son’s father for help, I finally accepted the painful truth: I was alone in accepting the responsibility of raising and providing for my son. What began as one of the most frightening moments of my life became one of the most empowering. The decision to accept full responsibility for the parenting and well-being of my son caused an immediate shift in how I viewed my situation: I was no longer a victim “left holding the bag”; I was now the owner of a set of personal circumstances that I had the power to overcome.

If acceptance is the first step in moving forward, then knowing where you’re headed is the second. Along with accepting sole responsibility came the commitment to providing my son with the upbringing every child deserves. I felt strongly that being raised by an African-American single mother did not mean that my son was damned to becoming a statistic. Instead, I would guide him to becoming a well-adjusted, focused, and educated young man with hopes of a bright future and the determination to get there. I believed that in order to get him to where he deserved to be, I had to be able to consistently provide the love, safety, stability and healthy-parenting that enable children to thrive. Chartering my son to a future filled with hope and promise meant giving myself a better present.

The chasm between life as I knew it and the life I wanted was abysmal; but I decided that building a bridge between the two was my only option. If the first step is acceptance, and the second is direction, then the critical third step is belief in one’s ability to reach her destination. Not knowing how I would do so, I knew that I had to expand my capacity to care for my child. I had to transform the emotionally fragile, depression-prone, uneducated, low-to-moderate-income-earning young mother into a healthy, focused, and disciplined woman to whom education and livelihood were paramount. Though the task appeared daunting, and the woman I envisioned becoming a complete stranger, I knew deep inside that I could do it; and that the woman who seemed like a distant stranger was just a more mature, future version of myself that I could one day meet if I were willing to put in the hard work.

Committing to doing the hard work was the first step in what has now become my life’s purpose: the capacity building of the African-American single mother. Almost a decade-and-a-half after the heartening acceptance of my role as a single mother, my goal is to help other young mothers begin the same journey that changed my life and has placed my son on a path to becoming a success instead of a statistic. My non-profit organization, Single Mothers for Success, and its flagship program, DumaVillage, aim to ensure that single mothers have the tools, information, resources and networks of support necessary for success.

Single-parenting is far from the ideal situation for any child or parent. I pray that the work my organization does will one day render it unnecessary. The ultimate goal is that all African-American children will have access to the development and opportunities that condition them to make life choices that move them away from lives of poverty and struggle and toward prosperity and fulfillment, making single parenting the exception and not the rule. But, as with the organization’s clients, we as a community have to take the first step: acceptance. We first have to accept the fact that close to 70 percent of African-American children are born to unwed mothers. We then have to (step two) decide where we’re heading. I’d venture to say that most prefer a place where African-American single mothers are not the norm. And (step three), we all have to believe that as a community we can get there.

MamaSpeak: This Game of Co-Parenting…Are You Playing to Win?

Doesn’t it suck when you think you’re winning a game only to find out halfway through it that you’ve been playing the wrong game? For thirty minutes, you and your partner, affectionately known as “Them”, have taken some serious risks, so you wouldn’t underbid and lose points for winning too many books. And, you’ve done it masterfully, talking high quality junk all the while. Confident, cocky even, in your mastery of the game and ability to diminish your opponents, “Us,” both on the table and verbally. It’s the fourth hand, and you and your partner start smirking at each other from opposite sides of the card table, because these fools, “Us”, went board and then took twice as many books. You start clowning, talking loud, because they’re about to be down another 80 points for sandbagging. But…What? Oh. Hell. No.

House rules…We don’t play that way. Wrong game, Baby!

Yes, that smooth, culturally relevant metaphor is all about co-parenting. The fact is, too often, we go along thinking we’re winning, only to find out we’ve got the rules wrong, or worse, we’re playing the wrong game altogether. We’re bidding our hands, but winning the game actually requires a little sandbagging. We’re playing Joker’s high, but really deuces win. We think spades are trump, but they keep changing it. Oh snap, we’re playing Spades and the game is Tonk! Damn.

And, of course, the problem is that the way you score points, how you win, how you play, everything changes depending on the game. Co-parenting is the same way. Too often, we find ourselves playing the “Better Parent” game. We rack up points, playing full out, in areas like:

• Who’s spending more time on our child?
• Who’ spending more money on our child?
• Who “knows” our child best? Who knows more about what goes on in his/her life? Mind? Heart?
• Who does our child prefer or even love more?
• Who cares more?
• Who’s the better parent?

But, guess what? Wrong game, Baby! In this house, we play the “Happy, Healthy, Whole Child” game. Here, you score points in categories like:

• How loved does my child feel?
• How whole does my child feel?
• How safe and secure does my child feel?
• How successful does my child feel?
• How confident is my child in his ability to deal with difficult challenges?
• How happy is my child?

Winning requires strategies and skills like teamwork, effective conflict management, high quality listening, meeting in the middle, focusing on solutions, and yes, do-or-die commitement. Talking across the board is allowed, if it’s respectful, and everybody knows the house rules up front. And, hell, if you’re winning and want to talk junk…we honor bragging rights. Because, where we live, in our house, “Us” and “Them” become “We” and, we play this co-parenting game to win. Our kids deserve nothing less.

So, in your next quiet moment of reflection or while you’re in the throes of an argument with your child’s other parent, stop for a minute and ask yourself what game you’re playing. And, if it’s the wrong one, change it up…and play to win!

MamaSpeak: Too Much Unfinished Business

For most people Thanksgiving is a day to enjoy food, fun and family. But this year, a day that brougt one Florida family together also ripped it apart when a relative shot and killed his sister, an aunt and a 6-year-old cousin after thanksgiving dinner. Relatives say that as he walked away, r turned and said, “I have been waiting 20 years to do this.”

I don’t know what made this man kill there generations of his own flesh and blood, nor do I know what he had held onto for 20 years before he snapped. But I do know that this man’s story is not an original script. No, I have never survived a family ambush. But, I have had a front-row seat at family events where relatives showed up with anger and resentment in tow from some past transgression, only to isolate themselves and sulk instead of mingling and having a good time.

The wounds of childhood can take a lifetime to heal, if ever. And left unchecked, these feelings of resentment begin to fester and cause one to distance themselves not only physically, but also emotionally. Some say time heals all wounds. But I say time heals nothing. This gunman is proof that unfinished business doesn’t heal itself. I’ve also witnessed it in my own family.

My parents grew up in the same Mississippi town. Their families were close, and for the most part everyone got along. But with 23 children between them, there were bound to be conflicts from time-to-time. And although they’re not quite the Capulets and Montagues, there is some ongoing bitterness between between them that should have been dealt with and buried a long time ago. But it’s like the elephant in the room that no one is willing to sink their teeth into to start a healing process. If not for them, for their children.

As a child of divorce, my mind was polluted with information about why my father left and how my mother’s family drove him away. I heard things from aunts and uncles that should have been labeled “For Grown Folks Only.” I didn’t care about it then or now, because those are their issues, not mine.

When I found myself going through a divorce, any issues I had with my ex-husband or his family were dealt with directly, and not by way of the children. It wasn’t always easy for me to not bash him, even in truth sometimes. But I took the high road, choosing to keep our problems between us.

My ex played more of a victim role than me. His way of dealing with me was in much the same way that my folks dealt with each other, through the kids. Although I don’t believe he acted maliciously, that doesn’t alter the long-term effects it could potentially have.

My children will deal with the divorce as an adult differently than they did as children. I can already see how they are processing it through a different lens. An adult lens. My prayer is that they know that we did the best that we could with what we knew how to do, even if we fell short. And if they have any resentment, we don’t have to let this go on for 20 years. Let’s finish that business now, so we can come together in peace and harmony.

MamaSpeak: Meeting the Challenge–What I’m Thankful For…

I was going to make this week’s post all about being thankful for your co-parent. But, my friend, Deesha, of Co-Parenting101.org did it for me in a wonderful post “What I’m Thankful for:  a Co-Parent’s Challenge,” on SingleDad.com. After confessing her own appreciation for her ex, Mike, and his wife, Sherry, Deesha issues what for many of us may truly be a challenge:

At this time of year, even folks with the hardest of hearts and the biggest axes to grind might pause to reflect on their loved ones with gratitude, however grudgingly. We can probably all think of at least one family (if it’s not our own) where hatchets are buried, even if only temporarily, as the carving knife slices into the Thanksgiving turkey. Thanksgiving is also a time where many, if not most, children of divorce, like mine, are spending it with one parent, and not the other. So this Thanksgiving, I’m encouraging all co-parents who are observing Thanksgiving with their children to consider giving thanks, publicly, for their child’s other parent. Yes, I said it: Give thanks for your ex.

I try to thank my son’s father directly on a regular basis, because it makes me feel good and makes him act right. Kidding, of course…sort of.  But, I do think that expressing our appreciation to our co-parents does help us see that “they ain’t all bad” and reassures them that whatever effort they may be making is being noticed.

So, I’m taking Deesha up on her challenge, and I hope you will, too.

I am thankful for my son’s father and my co-parent, because:

• He not only shared in creating my child, who is my greatest love and inspiration, he stood by me through the entire pregnancy and hasn’t stopped being my partner in parenting since, even when things got tricky.
• He continues to demonstrate that he is not only capable of growth, he is patient with me in my own journey.
• He cares for our child in a way that lets me feel secure in knowing that he is safe and healthy when he is with his father.
• He never speaks unkindly about me to our son, even when he may have wanted to, and he consistently instills a respect for me in our son.
• He lets me be right most of the time.
• Despite his very private nature and initial reluctance to have our business exposed through my blogging, he agreed to do an interview with me to share his thoughts about our co-parenting relationship.
• He is determined and inspiring in his creative and entrepreneurial pursuits.
• He is my friend and partner in a way I could never have predicted.

And, with that, I say, “Thank you, Ed!”

And, to my WeParent Family, for all you do for your families;  for your commitment to taking the journey, whatever it may look like for you; and for being a constant source of support for that of me and mine…

Thank You!

MamaSpeak: Why Co-Parenting Matters to Me

Co-Parenting matters, because my child has something important to contribute to this world.

He is this brilliant brown burst of pure energy that challenges me moment by moment to be better, do better. He is charming and cool. He is witty, and mischievous and even a little bit corny sometimes. He wants to be a scientist, a musician, a professional soccer player and a daddy. He is a know-it-all and thinks that he is the boss of me. He is creative in his efforts to thwart his bedtime asking at the last minute, “Just real quick, can we Google the secret of happiness, because Leonardo da Vinci says it’s curiousity; and I just don’t know if it’s true.” And, it works. He is happy and resilient and passionate and dramatic and…

And, in the wee hours, when I watch him sleeping, I remember how perfect he is (particularly when he is not talking to me, whining or otherwise getting on my fragile nerves). I see clearly that there is nothing but possibility for this child. I believe in my heart of hearts that he has something brilliant and important and powerful to share with this world.

And, I don’t want to get in the way.

I’m clear that he would be able to thrive with or without both of us in his life partnering to parent him. I know that we will never get it perfect, and one day as hormones rage through his adolescent body, and he doesn’t agree with some parental decree, we may still be blamed for ruining his life. But, selfishly, my hope remains that when that time passes, and he is a man, powerfully being who he is meant to be, he will say that he is who he is not despite his parents’ relationship but, at least in part, as a positive result of it.

Co-parenting matters to me, because my child has something important to contribute to this world. And, that matters.

Why does co-parenting matter to you?

Join us this Sunday, October 25^th at 9:30pm EST for the debut of our new talk show, Co-Parenting Matters.  I’ll be co-hosting with my friends Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas of CoParenting101.org.
Listen live and join the discussion at (646) 378-0580 or www.blogtalkradio.com/CoParentingMatters.

MamaSpeak: 10 Lessons I’ve Learned about Co-Parenting

Sometimes, it’s valuable and enlightening to take stock of where we’ve been, how far we’ve come and what we’ve learned along the way.  I did a little stock taking recently and thought I’d share these lessons I’ve learned along this co-parenting journey.  I look forward to hearing yours.

10 Lessons I’ve Learned about Co-Parenting

• Being right doesn’t always equal winning. Sometimes our co-parenting relationship is better served by just listening and hearing my son’s father’s perspective and keeping my opinion to myself. There are times when each of us just needs to be heard.

• Saying, “I’m sorry,” doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Acknowledging my mistakes sometimes goes a long way, because it gives both of us permission to be human every once in a while and it has allowed us both to let our defenses down a little.

• I don’t know everything. Once I finally started listening to my son’s father like what he said might actually matter, I found out that he has a little insight into this parenting thing.

• There is more than one way to do just about everything. And, it’s almost guaranteed that he’ll choose any way but the one I suggest. But, letting go of “my way or no way” leaves a lot more opportunities for it to just get done.

• Sharing information makes life easier for everyone. Making sure that our son’s teachers, piano instructor and soccer coach have both of our email addresses and phone numbers allows us to share responsibility in managing our son’s schedule. Then, all the work doesn’t fall solely on me.

• There’s usually a win-WIN-win solution, if we just look for it. Focusing on the solution and not just the problem is sometimes all that it takes. Of course, that usually requires being patient enough and listening intently enough to understand everyone’s concerns then putting our child at the center. It takes practice, but it’s possible.

• There is power in having even the appearance of a united front. Whether it’s disciplining our child or advocating for him at school, when we stand together (even if we’re faking it in that moment), we stand stronger and provide a more solid support for our son.

• Flexibility is a virtue. Pretty much nothing in life goes exactly according to plan. Parenting and co-parenting are no exceptions. Being flexible within boundaries makes for smoother sailing, and it can score you some credit for when you need the favor returned.

• My power lies in my ability to choose how I will respond. I may not be able to control what my son’s father will do, but I can control how I respond. When I’m running my life instead of the drama running it, I am happier, more peaceful and a much better parent.

• It’s all a work in progress. Even when it feels like nothing will ever change, there is always possibility. Building a strong co-parenting relationship is a process. I now look for progress, not perfection.

What lessons have you learned?

MamaSpeak: Etiquette Tips for Our Sons

I recently moved to Washington, D.C, and one of the nice things about being here is that I can listen to Steve Harvey in the morning. Steve is a funny guy. But along with his comedic flair comes a softer, gentler side that’s passionate about teaching young men to act like men and helping women make a love connection.

Last week Steve’s show sent 29-year-old “Lirpanla” on a date with 27-year-old “SELDOM1.” After the date they came back on the show to tell how it went. And you could tell by their tone that it didn’t go well.

Lirpanla called SELDOM1 immature and childish because he opened her car door and made her scoot over, so he could get in. And, then he didn’t walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street when they were walking to the restaurant. SELDOM1 called Lirpanla high-maintenance because he had never heard of a man walking around to get into a car after letting the woman in, nor did he know that a man should walk on the sidewalk closest to the street as the first line of defense, if anything happens to the woman.

At that point I did have some compassion for the man, and especially after I read an article in Sports Illustrated about Miami Hurricane’s coach, Randy Shannon, talking about taking etiquette classes at 17 to learn how to open a door for someone. I guess I just thought it was innate. Maybe that explains why I have friends who have never had a man open their car door. It could also explain why my children’s friends would come into my house, and my son would have to tell them to take their hats off They don’t know, because they’ve never been taught. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve dined in restaurants and seen teens wearing caps and hats, and the adults they’re with say not a word.

Some men consider opening doors and pulling out chairs outmoded. And some feminists find it offensive. But, chivalry is not dead. As a true Renaissance woman who knows what makes me a strong black woman, there are some things that will never go out of style, nor are they signs of weakness for me or my male companion:

• When going down stairs or an escalator, the man goes first. In case the lady trips, he can catch her.  When going up stairs or an escalator, the man follows for the same reason.
• When entering and exiting an elevator, the man holds the door open and lets the woman enter or exit first.
• When entering a building, the man opens the door for the woman so that she may enter first. (Except when entering the house. A man enters the house before his wife and kids.)
• When exiting a building, the man goes to the same side of the woman that the door hinge is on, reaches around her, pushes open the door and holds it while she exits.
• For revolving doors, let the lady enters first.  Gently get the door moving; step into the next “stall”, and continue pushing, so she doesn’t need to.
• When walking down the street, the man should be between the lady and the traffic.
• Always open a car door for a woman. After you open the door, walk around and get in. Don’t ask her to scoot over.
• Go to the door to get your date. Never sit in the car and honk your horn.  After a date, a man walks a lady to her door.
• If a woman drives to a man’s place, the man walks her to her car when she is ready to go, opens the door, and helps her get in.
• A man respects a woman’s boundaries. “No” means “no,” even if he thinks it’s probably “yes.”
• A man never calls a woman out of her name.
• A man never…E-V-E-R hits a woman.
• A man never tries to buy love, because he’ll never finish paying for it.
• A man ALWAYS pays for the first date.
• A man helps a lady with her suitcase.
• A man remove his hat upon entering a restaurant.
• A man pulls out the lady’s chair, and helps her get seated before he sits down.
• When the lady needs to go to the restroom, the man stands up and pulls out her chair.  When the lady returns from the restroom, the man stands up and pulls out her chair.

Mamas, we might not be able to teach our sons everything about becoming a man, but we can certainly join Steve in teaching them how to treat women.

WeParent Family, what do you think we should be teaching our sons?

Battling Over Bitty Briefs…Ah, Co-Parenting

I remember the bad old days of kid-exchanges in friendly locations like the Waffle House parking lot. We’d start off with cordial greetings, but before long, we’d find our way into the downward spiraling discussion of what clothes I had packed. I often felt attacked, because what I had packed either didn’t meet his metro-Dad standards, or I’d forgotten some important item…like drawers.

The feelings I experienced in these situations were no different than the feelings I was having about the entire relationship. I felt like I was carrying more of the responsibility for caring for our child materially than I should have to. I felt unappreciated given that I was the one providing the clothes, caring for our child most of the time and then being expected to remember every little thing. I felt burdened by his apparent dependence on me. I felt pissed, because I rarely got all the gear back. And, I felt powerless to make him do anything differently including stopping by WalMart to buy a $10 shorts set or pack of socks. So, yes, we would argue about bitty briefs right there in the Waffle House parking lot.

Despite hating this frustrating and petty drama, still, for a long time, I would continue to pack the clothes and then complain about it to him and anyone else who would listen. And, subversively, I admit, I would purposely neglect to pack the tighty whities– which inevitably would lead to the very Waffle House incidents I claimed I wanted to avoid.

Then, after a good bit of self-reflection, I realized something mind-shattering and central to the changes I started to make in my response to this problem: My son’s father absolutely loooooves our son, and he will not allow our child to go hungry, naked or homeless. Somehow, he will make a way.

And, with that, I began the process of firing myself his self-appointed manager and started creating some boundaries around what I would be responsible for and what I wouldn’t.

Over time, I stopped sending clothes. When he would argue, I would calmly explain (while focusing on keeping my smile genuine and not taunting): “I can’t run my household smoothly without clothes. So, to make sure that I’m able to take good care of our child while he’s with me, I’m going to need to keep the clothing I’ve purchased here. And, I know you’re a great father and that you’ll make sure he’s taken care of at your house, too. It will make it easier for him knowing that he has the clothes he needs and likes at both places, and neither of us will have to worry about where things are.”

That was it.

At first he was pissed. I imagine it seemed that I was making some sort of power play. But, I remained consistent and soon after, our son had a brand new wardrobe courtesy of Daddy. Every once in a while, he would still ask me to send something over, and I did. It wasn’t always smooth, mostly because I would accuse him of holding a soccer uniform hostage only to find out that it was actually still in my hamper…but I’ll let him write that post.

Eventually, after some practicing, we’ve come to a point where the only clothes either of us sends to the other’s house are the ones on our child’s back. We have agreed upon a budget for this Fall/Winter clothing and plan to make that trip together taking great care to send an equal number of little boy briefs to each home. I can only imagine how our son suffered in those Waffle House parking lots (He now prefers to eat at IHOP) and what a difference our willingness to fight for a win-win-win solution has made in his life. It has certainly improved mine.

I want to tell you that there’s no guarantee that your child’s parent will grow into the parenting partner you want if you just focus on what you can do and make peace with what and whom you can’t control . But, I also want to tell you that it is so possible. I have experienced it in my own life, and I have witnessed transformation in relationships significantly more shattered than my own.

For me, the key was getting myself out of feeling victimized and stepping into my power where I could make choices and establish boundaries that left me standing without tearing down my son’s father. In that place, I find peace, even when we have conflict. That peace allows me to be a better partner, which invites him to do the same. And, most of the time, he accepts.

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