Fatherhood Freestyle: The Weekenders

On the Air: Navigating the Legal Process–Tonight on Co-Parenting Matters

Do you have legal questions about co-parenting, custody, child support, or other related issues? Join us this Sunday on for “Navigating the Legal Process” on “Co-Parenting Matters”, our live, talk show on BlogTalkRadio, co-hosted by Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas of CoParenting101.org. Learn about the family court system and strategies for minimizing negative impact on your children. Find out about alternatives to traditional family court. And, get your legal questions answered by our experts.

Our guests tonight are Amber Burton Small, Director of Business Development for the Indiana-based law firm, Jocham, Harden, Dimick & Jackson, and Dr. Arline Kerman of the Institute for Co-Parenting Resolution.

Can’t tune in? Post your question in the comments section, and we’ll be happy to ask it for you.

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3 Words of Advice on Parenting from the “Other” House: Just do it!

I am the product of what was once described as a broken home, not an accurate label since something has to be whole before it can be broken.  My parents were never married; and for the first 9 years of my life, I had few if any thoughts of who or where my father was.  I remember a few questions which popped up when I compared the lives of my classmates to my own, but these questions were usually brushed off by my mother, and in truth, I wasn’t that interested in the answers.  And, when my father did make an appearance, it was more about seeing his old flame than his not-so-new son.

As I grew and became more observant and aware of my life and my mother’s past, I began to feel the void of not having this figure in my life.  Or, more accurately, I had this shadow figure in my life–the hint of a presence but nothing I could put my hands on.  In the interest of making this long story short, let’s just say that from the events and feelings I had about my upbringing and childhood, I made a commitment in my early teens that no child of mine would have to repeat my experience. There would be no absentee dad, occasional visits and less frequent presents.  I would be there to be the best parent that I could.  So, when my high school sweetheart and long-time girlfriend and I became pregnant, despite some flutters of doubt, getting married was not much of a question. I’d made my commitment in the midst of all those raging hormones and teen angst. What else could I do?

Twenty years and a few marriage counseling sessions later, we were divorced. The picture that I had dreaded and worked so hard not to have was realized in full color. My daughter and son were in one house, and I lived in another.

I made an effort to see them as often as time would allow. There was no schedule or regular pattern to be followed. I would drop by during the week after work, pick up my son, who was nine at the time, every weekend, take my daughter to the movies, and play chauffer on her dates.  I called and tried to be as strong a presence in their lives as I was when we all lived in the same house.  But as I’m sure many of you in my situation have discovered, that is an illusion as elusive as an oasis in the desert; in sight but out of reach.  And, while my ex and I weren’t involved in a battle royale of who’s the better parent, using the kids as chips or pawns, we were clearly not on the same page on several issues.

One of my biggest frustrations was the sharing of information, or lack thereof. As the custodial parent, my ex recieved all the conference notifications, permission slips, party invites, etc.  This hit me more than you might imagine, because prior to this I proudly bore the title of ‘Snack Dad’.  Every month, when the kids had to provide snacks to the class, I was the one spreading peanut butter on the rice cakes, making sure that everyone got seconds, making sure that the celery was well cleaned and that the various fillings, cheese, dressing and the old standby, peanut butter, fit neatly and looked appealing.  I was a hands-on dad being pushed, exiled and condemned to the sidelines.  And, I couldn’t seem to get her to understand how I wanted to be given a copy of everything!  It was the least she could do to allow me to still feel like a parent.  Despite my awareness of my feelings and real efforts to be the father I envisioned, I would feel the pain of competition for my kids’ affection or worse their acknowledgement of my existence and relevance to their lives.

But, as I learned to work through my feelings and continued to strive for some sort of balance, I achieved what I was looking for by just doing it… In a moment of clarity I finally realized that you can’t just want to be a parent–you have to actually do it! You are and never stop being a parent. It’s up to you to define what that looks like.  I didn’t just pick up my son on weekends because I could or should, but because I wanted to. And, when we were together, it was like we were home in that place of the past; we played, talked, ate and cried.  When I brought my daughter to a date or appointment, we spoke and discussed the same things we did in her bedroom or in our old living room.

Being out of the house is not the same as being in the house. But in, out or wherever, we are all still parents, for better or worse, and our kids reap the benefits or carry the burden of our actions. So, just do it!