Co-Parenting and Emergency Preparedness

As parents who are actively co-parenting or working to get there, we typically focus on managing the areas that will lead to a smooth day-to-day existence for our families. And, those of us who have solid parenting plans in place, may have even tackled the big issues. But, are you and your co-parent prepared for an emergency? As much as we hate to think about the possibility, our children are the ones who stand to benefit if both parents are prepared.

Here are some recommendations for information both parents should have with them or easily accessible at all times:

• A way to contact the other at all times. If one or both of you are selective about which calls you answer or text messages you read, agree upon a code that will indicate that the call or message is a child-related emergency.
• A copy of your child’s health insurance information. Be sure to carry it with you at all times
• A list of contact information for all doctors, dentists, therapists and any other health care providers and other emergency contacts (e.g., family members, etc.). You should also make sure other caretakers have this information.
• Names and dosages of all medications and details about serious allergies and/or physical, emotional or cognitive impairments and limitations. If necessary, also be sure both parents ensure that your child wears a medical alert bracelet or anklet with critical information.
• Pharmacy contact information. Consider printing this information along with the previous three items on a small card and carrying it with you in a wallet or purse.
• Up-to-date immunization records.
• Written permission for a non-guardian caregiver to make emergency medical decisions if appropriate. (e.g. stepparent, grandparent)
• Copies of birth certificates. This is particularly important when traveling.
• Copies of any relevant court order outlining custody and decision making authority.
• Current (annually) head and shoulders photograph.

Having this information accessible won’t prevent emergencies from occurring, but it will certainly help to expedite the process of treating your child. And, that could make all the difference.

Got it Covered? Insurance Tips for Busy Co-Parents

As co-parents we all want what is best for our children and we make decisions based on that everyday. Who is going to care for the children while we work, where should they go to school and who is going to have them on certain holidays. All of these are very important but what needs to be added to the list is when are we as parents going to sit down and discuss our insurance needs. Sitting down with an insurance professional is especially beneficial when you are co-parenting so that both parents know they are on the same page and what is covered. Having an insurance plan also can help make sure that all of the decisions that you all make are continued no matter what the circumstances.

A priority for your insurance needs is to make sure you have adequate Life and Disability insurance. Life insurance pays your beneficiaries in the event of an untimely death and Disability insurance pays you if you are unable to work due to an illness or accident. Don’t assume that the coverage you have at work is sufficient. Having a policy independent of work can assure coverage regardless if you leave that employer, are laid off, start your own business or stay home with the children as long as the premium is paid. Also the earlier you purchase your policy the better rate you are assured to pay. What can make insurance expensive is waiting.

What are the types of Life insurance policies to consider? Term or temporary insurance and permanent insurance. These can be used to address short and long term needs. Term insurance is great for short term needs. You can purchase term insurance for a certain number of years such as the amount of time your child will be a minor. Term insurance is generally less expensive and allows you to buy more coverage. After that policy period has finished, you no longer have life insurance coverage unless you convert it to a permanent policy or purchase more term insurance. Remember however you will be older if you have to purchase more and it will be more expensive than buying what’s needed in the beginning. Permanent life insurance includes whole, universal and variable life. This insurance is meant to last your entire life so you will always have an estate for your family. This type of policy also builds cash value and can give you the ability to borrow or make withdrawals. Permanent plans have the ability to combine life insurance, savings and investments. Remember the amount of time that this money will need to provide for. Given this, a good rule of thumb is to have 7-10 times your annual income of coverage.

Disability insurance is just as important as life insurance. If you don’t know how you would pay your rent, mortgage, bills and child support if you could not work because of an illness or injury then you need disability insurance. Don’t assume that you are covered by workers compensation because most disabilities occur outside of work. Also many are denied social security disability benefits so it can’t be counted on. Disability insurance can be very affordable for every budget. The key is to get coverage before there is an incident. To determine the amount you need, total your monthly expenses and number of months you could go with out a paycheck to determine your policy amount and waiting period.

As an excited expectant mom who will be co-parenting, I understand the importance and difficulty of having good communication to make sure our families are taken care of. As an insurance agent I see everyday, however, the benefits of making it happen.

Co-Parenting Requires A Plan

In addition to being a requirement for custody and child support orders in many states, a parenting agreement or plan can be an extremely helpful tool for managing a parenting partnership. Whether your state requires one or not, we recommend that parents lay a foundation for a solid co-parenting partnership that includes a parenting plan. In many ways, a parenting plan is to co-parents what a business plan is to a corporation, a living document that establishes guidelines, expectations for managing the business of raising healthy, happy children.

A good parenting plan is clear; anticipates the needs of your children, and you over the life cycle of your co-parenting relationship; sets a path for improved communication and partnering over time; and focuses on the win-win-win scenario. It is comprehensive, gently balancing specifics with enough flexibility to accommodate all of the shifts and changes that life and growth involve. Some of the areas that your plan should address include:

• Education
• Medical, dental and vision care
• Rules and discipline
• Decision-making processes and dispute resolution
• Religious training
• Child care
• Special occasions, school events and vacations
• Extracurricular activities
• Transportation and transitions between homes
• Communication between parents
• Communication between parents and children
• Rights of grandparents, extended family and close friends
• Role of parents’ new partners
• Counseling for children and parents
• Custody arrangements
• Process for modifying the plan
• Insurance
• Co-Parenting philosophy and commitment

Ideally, parents should develop the parenting plan themselves, using the help of professionals like mediators, divorce or co-parenting coaches, counselors or attorneys focused on supporting your co-parenting efforts. As parents, we know our children and our own circumstances better than a third party with no experience with your family. Of course, the process involves being able to separate your adult relationship from the best interests of your child. And, it may take time to get to that place; so many experts recommend starting with a temporary agreement for a few months rather than pressuring yourselves to arrive at a final plan while you are still in the most difficult period of emotional healing and transition.

There is an abundance of resources available to help you and your co-parent create a parenting plan that works for your family. Resources range from online or downloadable software, to downloadable templates and books. And, of course, you should use professionals like mediators, attorneys, counselors and financial planners to support your efforts.

Parents who successfully partner in developing a co-parenting plan often find that it limits both the financial and emotional costs of a court fight, for them and their children. Though getting there may be difficult, having a plan in place can reduce tension between you, because the rules of engagement are clear and agreed upon. Knowing that there is a plan to which you have both contributed helps to reduce some of the worry that may come when your children are away from you. It is a process, but in the end, a parent-negotiated, parent-endorsed parenting plan can be the foundation of an effective co-parenting relationship.

Mediation 101: An Interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., Pt. 1

WeParent had the opportunity to chat with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, for a basic lesson about mediation.  There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’re breaking this one into a multi-parter.  And, adding to the goodness, Gene will be our guest on “Co-Parenting Matters” this Sunday.  Feel free to leave your questions along with your comments below.  And, for now, here’s Part 1 of our interview.

WeParent: Can you talk a little bit about what mediation is generally?

Gene: Sure. Mediation basically is a process where a trained and neutral impartial person, known as a “mediator”, assists parties in communicating, understanding and clarifying their interests, whatever interest they may have. The mediation process usually is confidential as well as voluntary, so that means whatever is said in a mediation cannot be introduced in a court of law or any other administrative proceeding.

Mediation works best, I believe, because you can create your own solutions that address your own needs. We help people have a conversation. Out of that conversation, they are addressing whatever interest they may have and trying to generate movement so people are talking about their interests and not being so positional and adversarial.

WeParent: For clarification, a mediator does not represent either party.  The mediator functions as a facilitator of the conversation that gets both parties to an agreeable solution, right?

Gene: This is true. Mediators come from all different backgrounds. Some mediators are lawyers by profession or by training. Some mediators are counselors. Some mediators are psychologists. Some mediators are social workers. Although that may be what they are trained to do, once they are sitting before you as a mediator, they take off those other hats, and they are there as a mediator.

WeParent: So how is mediation different from other dispute resolution processes? There’s arbitration, there’s just going and have a judge mandate orders. What’s different about mediation?

Gene: Well mediation is different because, once again, you get to create your own solution. If you go through the court or arbitration, usually you may have 10 or 15 minutes with a judge. Then they are going to decide what is best for you in your situation, and they may or may not know you from a can a paint.

In mediation, the mediator will not impose any solutions. You will come up with your own solutions, because we believe you know what is best for your situation.

Mediation also differs because you get to communicate directly with the other party, directly with the decision maker. If you go to court, you don’t usually get to speak to the decision maker. Even though the decision maker may be the judge, usually you will go through your lawyer; and then your lawyer will talk to the judge.

It’s also very cost efficient. The matter in mediation is usually resolved a lot quicker than going to court, so there are less fees in terms of the lawyer fees, etc. Also, you are able to schedule mediations on your own time, which means that if you want to schedule a mediation on Saturday or in the evening hours, you’re not beholden to a judge and whatever court dates that are available or even not available.

WeParent: Are there other emotional benefits? What benefits are there outside of the ones that you’ve listed which are already pretty numerous?

Gene: One benefit is that although mediation usually takes up less time than going to court with motions and adjournments and etc., a mediation actually gives you more time to really talk about how you feel, which is important. Whenever you’re in a dispute, the number 1 thing that usually gets in the way of your resolving the dispute is emotions.

Most of the time, judges are not equipped to really hear how you feel. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “the facts and nothing but the facts,” because that’s what they want. Sometimes cases are more nuanced than that, and you may need to express yourself.

One of the misconceptions about going to court is that people believe they are going to have their day in court, and they are going to have this Perry Mason moment where I’m going to get up and say this and say that. The reality is that doesn’t happen. There are so many guidelines; you can only speak at certain times. Usually you don’t get to speak at all. Your lawyer does all the speaking. Everything is very rigid. Everything is very procedural.

There are some courts where even if you submit documents, the documents need to be typed a certain way or in a certain font etc. In mediation, it’s just the opposite. Mediation is very informal. You are having a conversation with the other parent trying to reach a collaborative resolution, which is important. As we all know, after your day in court, usually you will not improve that relationship. The relationship will be a lot worse because you slung mud and have gone back and forth in the adversarial process.  Mediation, which opens up communication, will seek to restore, maybe even better the relationship with your ex-partner or the co-parent.

WeParent: It seems that going to court, to a large degree, is about winning and losing. But, it sounds like mediation has a foundational philosophy that collaboration is the best solution driver.

Gene: You’re definitely correct. Court by its nature, litigating, there’s going to be a winner and a loser. You’re either going to win, or you’re going to lose. And, some would even argue if you win, you still end up losing because you spent time and effort, and you probably did not improve the relationship that you have with your co-parent.

So, mediation seeks to shift the ground a little bit so that the process is collaborative, and you don’t have this jude to prove your case to or to prove that someone else is unfit. In mediation, what we’re looking for is the best interest of the child. And you’re not going to have a judge dictate what is in the best interest of your child. You will.

The other thing is when you go to court, you roll the dice, because nothing is guaranteed. You’re putting the fate of your child in someone’s hands, and judges are human. Mediations give you more control of the process and more control of the outcome.

WeParent: I’m curious about your thoughts on why more parents don’t mediate first, or do they? Is mediation typically a higher percentage of how parents resolve disputes? It just seems like even when my son’s father and I were first splitting up, the initial advice was go to court. Nobody was yelling, go to mediation first.

Gene: That’s definitely true. I think our culture is set up where if you have any type of problem, any type of conflict, any type of disagreement, you automatically get into adversarial mode. So, mediation is often an afterthought or not even mentioned at all. All that you can do when you’re in the situation is think about how can I get even with this person? How can I stick it to this person?

By doing that, you totally forget about the child. You totally forget about what’s in your best interest. Sometimes just because this person did some things that you may not agree with, that doesn’t mean that you cannot work together in a collaborative fashion. Particularly when you have child involved, it’s probably in both your best interests for you to get along and not be so adversarial.

The other thing is that mediation is a relatively new profession. It has been around possibly 40, no more than 50 years, so it’s new. So a lot of people are not aware of what mediation is and not aware of what a mediator does. They may confuse it with counseling. They may think of it as, “Oh, I don’t want to go to that touchy feely thing.” So a lot of people are not away and just have little knowledge of what mediation actually is.

Read Part 2 of this interview.

Check out our interview with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”.

Contact Gene A. Johnson, Jr., “The Mediator”, directly on LinkedIn, Twitter or Facebook or email him at GAJohnsonjr AT gmail DOT com.

How to Be Present when You Aren’t There: Virtual Visitation Brings You Closer

Making sure you’re giving your children enough quality face time is difficult enough when you’re a parent living in the same home, but if you’re parenting from a distance, the challenge is even greater.  And, for children longing for the presence of a parent who is geographically too far to see live on a daily basis, the absence can be distressing.   While the ideal way to spend time with your child is in the physical realm, the realities of life, such as job relocations, marriage to a spouse living in another location, or the need to move to an area with a stronger support network, can all put significant physical distance between you and your child.  But, that doesn’t have to mean that emotional distance grows, too.  If you can’t beam yourself there, virtual visitation/parenting time is a great way to stay connected.

With the availability of free video chat services like Skype and GoogleTalk with video chat, for the cost of a video cam, you can hear and see your children from anywhere you can get an internet connection.  No, it’s not the same as being there, and it isn’t intended to replace live visits or justify moving away; but it is a simple, inexpensive way to move past the limitations of email, telephone and instant messaging to create a stronger and more consistent connection with your child.

What You Need to Get Started

In addition to a co-parent who is willing to support and facilitate the visits, the other ingredients for a complete set-up are:

• Computer 
• High-speed internet or broadband connection
• Webcam
• Headset/Microphone
• Video chat software

Services to Consider

There are several options for video chatting.  Here are a few worth considering:

Etendi Bridge (www.etendi.com)—This is a new service developed specifically for distance parenting.  In addition to video chat, Entendi Bridge includes games and an interactive whiteboard where you and your child can share in the fun.  There’s also a shared calendar.  And, you can leave recorded “Thinking of You” messages.  This is a subscription-based service, but they offer a free trial.

Gmail Voice and Video Chat(www.gmail.com/videochat)—All you need to get started with voice and video chat is a Gmail account from Google.  You’ll have to download the plug-in which only takes minutes.  From there, you can use instant messaging, voice-only or video to communicate with your child.  It’s simple, and even better…it’s free!

Skype (www.skype.com)–Skype is another free service that allows you to IM, talk or make video calls.  Their premium subscription service also allows you to call out to a land lines all over the world for a low monthly fee.  So, if you’re separated by oceans, or travel internationally, this might be a great option to give your kids phone access to you wherever you are.

While virtual visitation isn’t the only way to stay connected to your child when you can’t be with him or her, it is one of the richest ways to communicate in real-time. An excellent online resource for more information about this topic is The Virtual Visitation Portal, whose mission includes providing education and information about virtual visitation and how it can help parents stay in touch with their children. If you aren’t already doing it, consider talking to your co-parent about ways to incorporate this tool into your parenting plan.

Drop a comment below to share your thoughts and tips about distance parenting and virtual visitation. 

Online Tools Make it Easier to Manage the Business of Co-Parenting

Managing the day-to-day logistics of parenting is a ginormous feat.  And, when those logistics have to be coordinated between two households, it can even seem insurmountable and can lead to conflict between co-parents.

Fortunately, in this age of all things 2.0, there are a variety of online services and software designed specifically to aid separated and divorced parents with managing schedules and communicating other important details of their children’s lives.  While the motivation for some of these services was minimizing the required communication between parents prone to high-levels of conflict, any two-household family can benefit tremendously from features such as:
 

• Parenting time schedule management
• Event and activity scheduling
• Contact lists
• Expense logs
• Photo sharing
• Medical information tracking
• File sharing
• Virtual visitation
• Household rules and daily routine documentation

A few online co-parenting management tools to consider strongly are:

JointParents.com—Developed by co-parents, this site is easy to navigate, simple to use and offers a full range of features, including virtual visitation capabilities.  Just plug a video camera into your computer, and you and your child(ren) can video chat from within the site.  JointParents offers a 30-day trial for interested parents.

ShareKids.com—One of the first services like this, ShareKids also offers a broad range of capabilities.  Share kids also offers a free trial, and they provide scholarships for families who are “truly strapped financially.

Parentingtime.net (OPTIMAL)–OPTIMAL is an online custody calendar that is designed both to help manage your child’s schedule but also to help monitor compliance with with your custody agreement.  In fact, it includes reports specifically designed for presentation in court.  

And, although it isn’t designed for co-parenting, good old Google Calendar is a viable option with plenty of functionality all for f-r-e-e.

In addition to the online tools, there are several other software tools that you load directly to your computer including:

SharedGround–SharedGround is a calendar creation tool that uses wizards to guide you through setting up a parenting calendar that is printable or can be synched to your PDA.  While it can help you stay on top of your child sharing logistics, it doesn’t allow for both parents to have access.

KidMate–KidMate helps parents analyze the impact of different-time sharing arrangements and their impact on quality time spent with children.  And, uniquely, once you’ve decided on a plan, KidMate will generate a text version of the arrangement that can be inserted into your parenting plan agreement.

If you’re having difficulty coordinating between two households, need to minimize live conversations to help maintain the peace, or just want to make your family life flow more smoothly, consider trying one of these tools.

And, if you do, please be sure to come back here to share your experience with the rest of us!

Words from the Wise: Should I Take Him to Court?