MamaSpeak: Etiquette Tips for Our Sons

I recently moved to Washington, D.C, and one of the nice things about being here is that I can listen to Steve Harvey in the morning. Steve is a funny guy. But along with his comedic flair comes a softer, gentler side that’s passionate about teaching young men to act like men and helping women make a love connection.

Last week Steve’s show sent 29-year-old “Lirpanla” on a date with 27-year-old “SELDOM1.” After the date they came back on the show to tell how it went. And you could tell by their tone that it didn’t go well.

Lirpanla called SELDOM1 immature and childish because he opened her car door and made her scoot over, so he could get in. And, then he didn’t walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street when they were walking to the restaurant. SELDOM1 called Lirpanla high-maintenance because he had never heard of a man walking around to get into a car after letting the woman in, nor did he know that a man should walk on the sidewalk closest to the street as the first line of defense, if anything happens to the woman.

At that point I did have some compassion for the man, and especially after I read an article in Sports Illustrated about Miami Hurricane’s coach, Randy Shannon, talking about taking etiquette classes at 17 to learn how to open a door for someone. I guess I just thought it was innate. Maybe that explains why I have friends who have never had a man open their car door. It could also explain why my children’s friends would come into my house, and my son would have to tell them to take their hats off They don’t know, because they’ve never been taught. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve dined in restaurants and seen teens wearing caps and hats, and the adults they’re with say not a word.

Some men consider opening doors and pulling out chairs outmoded. And some feminists find it offensive. But, chivalry is not dead. As a true Renaissance woman who knows what makes me a strong black woman, there are some things that will never go out of style, nor are they signs of weakness for me or my male companion:

• When going down stairs or an escalator, the man goes first. In case the lady trips, he can catch her.  When going up stairs or an escalator, the man follows for the same reason.
• When entering and exiting an elevator, the man holds the door open and lets the woman enter or exit first.
• When entering a building, the man opens the door for the woman so that she may enter first. (Except when entering the house. A man enters the house before his wife and kids.)
• When exiting a building, the man goes to the same side of the woman that the door hinge is on, reaches around her, pushes open the door and holds it while she exits.
• For revolving doors, let the lady enters first.  Gently get the door moving; step into the next “stall”, and continue pushing, so she doesn’t need to.
• When walking down the street, the man should be between the lady and the traffic.
• Always open a car door for a woman. After you open the door, walk around and get in. Don’t ask her to scoot over.
• Go to the door to get your date. Never sit in the car and honk your horn.  After a date, a man walks a lady to her door.
• If a woman drives to a man’s place, the man walks her to her car when she is ready to go, opens the door, and helps her get in.
• A man respects a woman’s boundaries. “No” means “no,” even if he thinks it’s probably “yes.”
• A man never calls a woman out of her name.
• A man never…E-V-E-R hits a woman.
• A man never tries to buy love, because he’ll never finish paying for it.
• A man ALWAYS pays for the first date.
• A man helps a lady with her suitcase.
• A man remove his hat upon entering a restaurant.
• A man pulls out the lady’s chair, and helps her get seated before he sits down.
• When the lady needs to go to the restroom, the man stands up and pulls out her chair.  When the lady returns from the restroom, the man stands up and pulls out her chair.

Mamas, we might not be able to teach our sons everything about becoming a man, but we can certainly join Steve in teaching them how to treat women.

WeParent Family, what do you think we should be teaching our sons?

Teaching My Son about Violence

I was stunned when Chris Brown and Rihanna cancelled their Grammy appearance because one was in the hospital being treated for bruises from a domestic assault, while the other – her accused assailant – was being booked for beating the woman he loved. And in the days that followed, my emotions ran the gamut: sadness that Brown had already been tried and convicted in the trial of public opinion, befuddlement as to how a man could inflict bodily harm on a woman he loves, and confusion as to why so many people – men and women, young and old alike – felt like Rihanna brought the attack on herself.

Like most people, I saw this as a teachable moment for my daughters. As a woman who has never been hit by a man, I grapple with my understanding of how a love affair can go so wrong that a heated exchange of words can escalate to a point where someone – the man, the woman, or both – is left bloodied and bruised. My girls need to know that there is never an excuse or a reason for a man to hit a woman. And they should also know that that knife cuts both ways; they have a duty to keep their hands to themselves.

But no sooner than Brown could post bail and cause another media stir about a much-rumored reconciliation with Rihanna, Gospel megastar BeBe Winans was arrested for allegedly shoving his wife to the ground when he showed up at her house, and the two started arguing about custody issues. And, once again, the blogosphere was ablaze with comments that Winans’ wife must have made him do it. That’s when I realized that these incidents were teachable moments for my son, as well.

Girls can be dramatic

I’m a reformed drama queen. Just ask my three older brothers, and they will tell you about how I would get out of bed every morning and pick a fight, knowing they couldn’t hit me. I’m not talking about us having a physical fight; my tongue was my weapon of choice. And there was nothing I liked more than a fight, than another fight. So, even though my daddy had a strict rule against my brothers hitting their sister, at the very least I wanted them to return my verbal assaults. But, nooo, they ignored me. And that annoyed me. But as time went on, I was the one who gave in and eventually had to come up with other ways to get attention.

That’s the same thing I want my son to do. If he finds himself in a heated situation where he feels like he’s being pushed to the point of hitting a woman, I want him to let cooler heads prevail and walk away. That’s not the time to be prideful. I want to assure him that his pride will still be intact after he cools off.

Roughhousing can land you in jail

My son is a 6’3”, 325 pound man. He’s 18 now and was always a big kid. I had to constantly remind him that he couldn’t play with his classmates the same way that he played with his sisters. (They’re as rough as he is.) Now that he’s a grown man, I tell him that his size is already imposing, and that he really needs to be mindful when engaging in horseplay, because horseplay between adults is not child’s play. A simple shove or push can land him in jail.

Violence doesn’t equal strength

I think it’s unfortunate that so many young men define their manhood by violence. I will teach my son that hitting a woman – or a man for that matter – doesn’t make him a man. I think it’s really important that he understands that respecting women will make him a much stronger man. When he was younger, I used to tell him to impress me with his intelligence, not his stupidity, and that his mind is his strongest weapon. The same holds true for him now that he’s an adult. There’s nothing impressive about a man using physical violence to prove his strength. That’s stupid. He’ll get far more kudos and accolades by exercising self-control and self-restraint…And in doing so, he’ll also avoid a run-in with the law. 

Check Out “Drama Misty”

Don’t miss Drama Misty, the latest blog post from WeParent Connect member, Sara Shay Sullivan in which she poetically ponders the wonders of parenting a thirteen-year-old on the front side of womanhood.   Check out this excerpt:

Today Drama Misty decided for the third time in as many months that she’s, “never going to tell me anything again.” And after checking with Merriam-Webster for the definition of “never”, which for the record is synonymous with “tomorrow” in thirteen-speak, I realized we were headed to Act II, Scene 1 of the lifetime dramedy that is her life.  

Read the rest on WeParent Connect…

Help!–The Trouble with Teens

So, I have two demanding full time jobs, yet the thing that takes most of my mental energy and makes me question myself more than anything else in my life is my performance as a father. I am a college professor and a lawyer with my own practice. Despite the energy and pressure associated with both of my “jobs,” I end up late at night praying and wondering if I’m doing the right thing most often after sending my eleven-year-old sixth grade daughter to bed early yet once again. It may be the fifteenth eye roll of the night or the mumbling under her breath or me having to ask for her to put her dishes away SEVEN times that precipitated the early bedtime; but the cause of the consequence is inconsequential, it’s the aftermath that’s most important. The aftermath is my sheer frustration and confusion. It goes like this:

ME: Damn, did I overreact? What just happened? How did things escalate so quickly?

VOICE IN MY HEAD (since I don’t have a wife to bounce things off of):  Well, you probably didn’t need to send her to bed early just because you had to ask her to put her books away a few times.

ME: A few times???? Is seven a few?

VOICE IN MY HEAD: Well, she’s 11. This is normal. She is struggling too.

ME: Yeah, but I am not going to have a self-absorbed little girl in this house. There are too many people suffering for her to expect the world to revolve around her.

VOICE IN MY HEAD: Well, that’s understandable, but step back, take a breath and get some perspective. You have an amazing, powerful, intelligent, funny, beautiful little girl. So, she may be insolent from time to time as most girls her age are, but she is a good girl.

ME (calming down): Well, she does do excellent in school. She loves to read, does her homework without issue, plays sports with enormous heart, is very funny and has developed a feminine wisdom that has steered me in the right direction numerous times. (Guilt begins to kick in). Yeah, but she needs to be humble.

VOICE IN MY HEAD: Well, be careful about that. She is at a vulnerable age. We need our young sisters to maintain that confidence, the belief in themselves. Not only the self confidence, but also the self-esteem. So many times society will tell our young girls to quiet down, not laugh so loud, don’t always comment, don’t be so disagreeable, go along with the program, etc…

ME: Good point. So, where is the balance? What do I do?

And that is the question, I find myself asking so often. What do I do?

So, as a parent, this is my current state of struggle. Being a Dad has been the greatest joy I have experienced in my life, without question. It is my role as Dad that has given me my greatest sense of purpose and sense of belonging in this world. Up until about three months ago, it has been relatively easy and made a lot of sense. Recently, as described above, things began to get confusing.

For my inaugural blog, there were many wonderful things I could have written about to encapsulate my walk as Dad. However, I felt that expressing my confusion and challenges was most appropriate to start the conversation. As we move forward in our dialogue, you may see from me more questions than answers, but I firmly believe through these conversations, we as parents, will, and must, get better. Let’s discuss the loving moments…and the challenging ones too. Let’s learn from each other, grow together, vent, share, laugh, cry…and…grow! I look forward to the discussion, and so I say in advance…hello, nice to meet you and thank you.

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