Back to School Checklist for the Single Parent

Yes, it is time to get our kids back on a school schedule. This article is a reminder for some, and a very important checklist for the new single parent. I have gathered a lot of suggestions from our SingleDad.com members who wanted to share their tips for getting prepared for the school year.

Clothes Inventory

Keeping an inventory of clothes between divorced parent’s households has its own unique challenges. Depending on the relationship status, it is perfectly normal to label your child’s clothes for the sake of inventory exchange. I would strongly recommend disclosing your reason for marking the clothes. Your goal is to make every effort to keep an open dialog. Offering a bi-weekly clothes exchange will help keep both household’s clothes inventory balanced and communication between all parties peaceful. Make sure your markings are distinct to you, but not embarrassing to your child.

Clothes Shopping

Depending on where you live and the late summer/early fall weather, it is smart to wait to buy school clothes after the school year starts. Most department stores and clothes retailers will offer additional discounts on school clothes after the school year has started. If you don’t mind a smaller selection of styles and sizes, waiting can pay off big with your wallet. In addition, keeping an eye on some of the discount stores such as Ross, Marshalls and TJ Max can also save you money. If you don’t mind sorting through the selection, I have found these stores can offer some huge savings on quality clothes at less than half the department store price. Another concept that has been gaining popularity is called a clothes exchange. These are organized events that your local church or a community group will sponsor. It is like a clothes-only garage sale. Most of the time no money is required, you just bring your kid’s clothes to offer in exchange. Finally, the thrift store has become the new “cool” place to exchange clothes. Check your local thrift stores to see if they will offer you exchange credits for clothes that you bring in that you can use to pay for new clothes from the shop.

Your Child’s  Sleep Schedule

The best advice our members can offer on this subject is to start early. You do not want to attempt to get your kids started on a proper sleep schedule the night before school starts. There is nothing worse than hearing about the whining, complaining and lack of attention that will happen at school from the lack of sleep. Furthermore, it is embarrassing to attending your first parent/teacher meeting and having the entire discussion about your child’s well being. Sleep is as important as food and water. If you are newly divorced, make sure you and your ex set a time for your child’s bedtime. It is recommended that your child gets 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night.

Emergency Contact and Health Insurance Information

For a variety of reasons, some single parents do not have the participation of the other parent in child’s daily school life. This is where it is especially important to have your emergency contact available and shared with another family member, friend, or relative. I have a “Gal Pals / Guy Pals” in place which are other friends of mine that I can rely on as back up for any emergency related to my children and school activities. Make sure your emergency contact has a copy of your health insurance information, family doctor’s name and phone number. Another important tip is to save this information on your cell phone but make sure this information is typed in backwards so the information will be harder to understand by anyone else but you if you ever lose the phone.

At the beginning of every school year, your child’s school will ask for all of your personal information and it is perfectly normal and important to disclose on the information packet that you are a single parent and if you are sharing custody or have sole custody. Make sure your school knows your status and how they can contact you. Don’t make assumptions; make sure your child’s teacher has your contact information as well. It is also perfectly normal to request a teacher’s contact information like an email address. This information gives you the opportunity to send an e-mail with all of your contact information directly to your teacher and gives both parties a direct method of communication. This is especially important if you are co-parenting. Staying up-to-date on homework and school activities through e-mail avoids any miscommunication between parties.

I hope these suggestions were helpful and that your Back to School routines will go as smoothly as possible. For more information on Single Parent advice and resources, go to www.singledad.com.

SingleDad’s 3 Top Tips for Communicating with Your Ex

Thanks to RJ of SingleDad.com for permission to post this article.

This past month, I have received several requests regarding Single Parent dating Advice. One of them caught my immediate attention, and it read something like this:

“I am dating a SingleDad and he communicates with his ex-wife too much, how do I stop him?”

I was interested in getting the rest of the story, so I made contact with the member to elaborate on what was going on in this relationship. For the sake of everyone’s privacy in this story, I’m going to call the girlfriend Mary, the single dad Mike, and the ex-wife Nancy.

So Mary’s telling me that she has been dating Mike for over two years now and she feels that her relationship is pretty committed and that Mike and she have the “two home exchange” going on pretty well. This is something where the Single Parent couple will stay at the other person’s house for the weekend and “exchange” destinations every other time when they have a “no kid” weekends. I find this romantic and it happens all the time in most Single Parent relationships. So as the relationship has grown over the two years, Mary just can’t shake the ongoing and frequent communication that Mike is having with Nancy.

I asked, “How frequent do they talk?” Mary explains, “at least 3 to 5 times a day”.  “About what?” I asked as I thought aloud. What bothers Mary is the fact that every time that Nancy calls, Mike purposely leaves the room and talks in whispers for hours to Nancy. “For hours?” I ask.

It appears that Mike will get a morning, afternoon, and an evening call from Nancy. What they talk about, nobody knows but them. What is certain is the type of behavior that Mike is showing every time Nancy calls is bothering Mary. This behavior is not sitting well with Mary for a couple of reasons. First, when Mary approached Mike about the frequency, there was immediate denial and the conversation was ended.  Nobody likes to be “called out” and maybe this is what happens when Mary inquires about Mike’s behavior. And second, maybe there is something to hide, or maybe not. What needs to be discussed is the “choice and consequence” to what’s going on between the couple and their lack of communication in their relationship. You can’t change a person’s choice; you can only let him know the consequences of their choices.

I asked Mary to write down the following advice and follow these three easy steps:

Step 1: Make sure to start this conversation with a “disclaimer”. I know this sounds funny, but most of us want to feel safe in a conversation before feeling attacked which results in taking on a defensive role. If you want results, try starting the conversation with, “I am not mad you, nobody’s right or wrong in this conversation, I just want to make sure that I am doing my part on having a discussion in the best possible way with you”… The choice is his now.  Does he feel important to change his choices? You have his attention, let’s go to the next step and see.

Step 2: Take ownership for how you feel. This sounds strange, but many times we are not “saying what we mean” under the duress of an argument. We often think we are explaining ourselves very clearly in the heat of the battle, when often, we’re not. Start a conversation this way, “Mike I am feeling uncomfortable, or I feel awkward when this happens and I don’t know how to talk about it and I need your help”… and it is best to wait, be patient for a reply instead of jumping into assumptions or interruptions. Allow Mike to “Visualize” what is going on for you as you walk him through the picture of what you see and feel.

Step 3: Give your results a realistic time frame. Most of the time, these past behaviors built up over time. And they are not going away overnight. In fact, it’s healthier to see the gradual change in a partner’s behavior than a “Cold Turkey” approach, (the rebound is much more severe).  It takes more effort to acknowledge the positive, so take a stand and show the courage with your partner that you notice even the little improvements in the relationship. Most of the time we fall into the gap of “negative reinforcement” and often talk about the glass half empty approach and point out what’s wrong instead of what’s right. Make every effort in pointing out the positive and you will see better lasting results.

I will keep you posted on their results. Please feel free to comment on this subject on our SingleDad Forum.

Daddy Love: WeParent Talks to RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.com

WeParent had the opportunity to chat with RJ Jaramillo founder of SingleDad.com, a parenting site where single fathers can go to find tips on everything from using a crockpot to building an effective co-parenting relationship with the ex.

WP: What was the inspiration for SingleDad?

RJ:  Before the website came along, after I got divorced in 1999, I kept notes on what I went through during my whole transition.  I used journals to keep my sanity during the tough times, but those journals became a resource for others. Around 2001, I became this 411, this information phone number for a lot of newly divorced guys that were struggling with their new life.  I would get these random calls, and they would go something like this:  “Hi RJ, my name is X.  You don’t know me, but I’m a friend of Y’s.  I’m newly divorced, and X told me to call you because I don’t know how to…”  I didn’t even know at the time that SingleDad was going to happen.

WP:  So, it sounds like SingleDad was literally a calling for you.

RJ:  Yes.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be an involved co-parent.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be a divorced single father and have a commitment towards parenting, and there’s a lot of great examples, but there weren’t any websites highlighting them.

All I saw out there for single fathers, was one extreme [or the other].  I saw either a completely religious right approach to everything, and you had to belong to that certain sect or that denomination to join.  And, then on the other side was “10 top secrets on how to date 20 women at one time. “

WP:  Funny!  It seems, too, that there’s another segment of sites that target dads who are in battle.  Custody.  Child support.

RJ:  Right.  Negativity.  Right.  Everything is a conflict.  I’m here to deliver a positive message on parenting and to address single parenting needs.

WP:  So, what are the top five issues emerging from the voices of the SingleDad community?  What are single dads talking about?

RJ:  The first category is parenting advice/family counseling advice.  First, and foremost, they are asking for parenting tips.  Number two, believe it or not, is dating advice or relationship advice.  It’s not just dating new women; it’s relationship advice on dealing with their ex.  The third is cooking.  The number four category is family law and then, financial advice.

WP:  Time to get personal.  Let’s talk about you and how you got here.  How long have you been a single dad and what was that transition like for you?

RJ: [After 10 years of marriage and one of separation], I couldn’t make a decision about whether to stay in or stay out. I give a lot of credit to my ex-wife who finally had the courage to say , “I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news.”   The bad news was, she filed for divorce, and we were going to end the relationship.  The good news was we were going to have a child. Here I was, third child coming, divorced and raising a newborn as a single dad.

I was a typical situation where you jump into the career world and make everything about  chasing the almighty dollar.  But, the reality is that’s gone over the course of one family law visit.  So, I had what really was an awakening, an opportunity to really evaluate where I was in my life. I look at it now as a very positive experience because it really made me think about where my life was going and how recklessly I had created it. The reality was all that stuff didn’t really matter.  What really mattered now was what am I going to do?  I’m going to learn how to be a committed father.  I’m going to learn how to raise a co-parenting family.

WP:  What advice do you give to other dads who are going through this?

RJ:  Seek some true counseling that’s really about thinking about and meditating on what’s most important in your life.  [It’s not about] just being right.   Try to understand the situation that you both fell into and take responsibility.  Unfortunately in family law court, we’re given the signs to just push things through, just push things through. I wish there was some type of timeout that was given in our family court system that just said, “Look, put everything aside for a second and give yourself a good deep breath and get some alone time, all parties away.”

WP:  Yes.  That’s great advice…for parents and for the family law system!

RJ:  I think that having that opportunity…I’m not saying it would have saved my relationship…but I think in terms of what we see and what we’re told in our society according to family laws, it’s about negotiating to win, not negotiating to find peace. 

Most guys that go through divorce don’t get the distinction between alone and lonely.  You’re never alone. You can feel lonely, but you’re never alone.  I think the other mantra that I remind my friends who go through this process, is it’s a transition.  This is one slice of a very large pie, and it’s only a fraction of time.  It’s a very small slice of this pie, which is called your life.

If you just think of the bigger picture, this whole big pie, you’re going to get through it.  It’s just that right now, it doesn’t feel good.  It’s unfamiliar territory.  You have to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable once and awhile, and know that things will get better.  We’re trained to believe that the only way to get through things is to push.  If we just let go some of the time, they unravel, they unwind, they unhook themselves.

WP:  Powerful guidance, RJ.  So what was different for you about parenting as a single dad?  Co-parenting?

RJ:  Good question.  I took a journey to becoming a real, multi-tasking, multidimensional parent–cooking, cleaning, home management, homework, parent/teacher involvement, social  and school activitiess. I had to learn the simple things that we take for granted—learning how to hem pants, how to sew a button, how to master the crockpot and cooking healthy for my children.  I guess [I learned] the key word is maybe “giving”, not surrendering, but giving yourself to your child.

WP:  Right.  I think that’s potent, “…giving yourself to your children…”  this concept of really making it be about your child and letting that be a gateway to your own self-discovery.  I find that that’s often a more effective way of making changes in your co-parenting relationship, not through attacking the conflict head-on but rather through engaging more in your growth as a parent.

RJ:  I agree. And you don’t stop, because the change that kids bring to you always demands growth.

Be sure to check out SingleDad Diaries to see what’s next for RJ, two other single dads and their kids as they prepare to live together in the Single Dad House!  And, for more resources, advice and parenting tips for single fathers, visit SingleDad.com.