Book Giveaway: Lifelines-The Black Book of Proverbs
It’s Kwanzaa time! It’s Kwanzaa time! Well, really, it’s not. But, we’re getting started early.
In the Kwanzaa tradition of giving away homemade and educational gifts, we’re excited to give one lucky WeParent reader a hardcover copy of the new Lifelines: The Black Book of Proverbs by our dear friend Askhari Johnson Hodari and her co-author, Yvonne McCalla Sobers.
Lifelines is a treasure of short witty wisdom from all over the globe. The book includes clever, pointed and even poetic guidance for all areas of life like:
- Birth and Parenting: “When a yam does not grow well, do not blame the yam; it is because of the soil.” (Ghana)
- Marriage: “Getting married is nothing: it is assuming the responsibility of marriage that counts.”(Haiti)
- Money Problems: “The poor person does not experience poverty all the time.” (Ghana)
- Peace and War: “To engage in conflict, one does not bring a knife that cuts but a needle that sews. (Kiswahili)
And, yes, we believe, even co-parenting. Beginning next week, in fact, we’ll be highlighting Lifelines that we believe offer guidance for co-parenting. So, look for and heed those words of wisdom in some of our upcoming posts. You can also receive Daily Lifelines from the authors right in your inbox.
To enter to win your very own copy of Lifelines: The Black Book of Proverbs, just leave a comment here with your own words of wisdom no later than 11:59pm EST on Friday, December 18, 2009. Winners will be announced here on WeParent.com.
And, here are a few other ways to increase your odds of winning:
- Become a WeParent fan on Facebook, and then leave a comment here to let us know.
- Sign up for our newsletter if you aren’t already on our mailing list. If you are on our newsletter, forward it to a friend.
- Join WeParent Connect, our online community of parents and parent advisers.
- Purchase a copy of Lifelines: The Book of Black Proverbs, and send us a copy of your email confirmation to contests at WeParent dot com.
There you go! Five chances to win! The winner must be a US or Candian resident or have an US mailing address.
Good luck!
Words from the Wise: Too Much Drama from My Baby Mama
March 10, 2009 by WeParent
Filed under Words from the Wise
Dear Words from the Wise,
I am a father who tries to do right by his kids. But, my baby mama makes it hard by constantly trying to control what I do with them, who I have them around, etc. I’m no deadbeat. I pay child support, I keep my word, but still all I get from her is drama…unnecessary drama…and I don’t even know where it’s coming from except that I was the one who ended the relationship. One week things are cool and the next, she’s keeping them from me, because I let them stay up too late, or something minor in the scheme of things. Honestly, I’m at the point where I am tired of all the drama, and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it. Maybe I should just wait til they’re older and then try to have the kind of relationship I want with them. For now, I keep trying, but how do I deal with my frustration and anger with this woman, so I can keep up the good fight? I love my kids, but the drama is just too much sometimes.
Sincerely,
D., Chicago
Dear Brother:
First of all thank you for writing, and thank you for your commitment to and love for your children. You write that you only get drama from your children’s mother and that you “don’t know where it’s coming from.” However, in the next sentence, it’s obvious that you have a pretty good idea where it might be coming from. You don’t say what the relationship was with your children’s mother, whether you were married or not, however, since you talk about “kids” (more than one), you must have been together for at least a few years. You say you are the one who ended the relationship and you hint that maybe this has something to do with the drama from your ex. Without details from you we can only guess that she is: 1) Grieving the loss of love and security in an important relationship; or 2) finding it difficult to let go of anger and resentment left over from whatever bad experiences she shared with you in the relationship before you left. So whether it is because of grief or anger that you are having conflict over the children, it is clear that there are serious emotional blocks to the two of you being able to work together for the best interest of your children right now.
There are several approaches you could take to this problem. The worst thing to do would be to surrender your rights as a father and to “wait until they are older” to have a relationship with them. The years of your disappearance would create too wide a river to get back across without damage to the memory of you for your children. I strongly advise you to stay engaged with your children through all of this.
I also suggest that you try to talk to your ex about the common love that you both share for the children. Talk to her about your common hopes and your shared expectations for their safety, happiness and well-being. Even though you both share in these things, your lives have taken different paths when she may have expected or hoped that you would be a family together.
Even though you are now apart, it might be wise if the two of you made a decision to find a family therapist who is willing to consult with you both to help you develop a co-parenting plan that will include more effectively both of your approaches and ideas for raising your children. No differently than if you had remained together, you will both still need to learn to compromise and cooperate in raising your children. And just as a couple who is together might need a counselor to help them get through times of negative communication, the two of you might benefit from the help of a therapist who is knowledgeable about the impact of conflicting emotions and life choices on the ability of two people to parent together. Demonstrate your willingness to seek the best interest of your children to your ex by suggesting that you seek support from a professional who will help you both discover both your weaknesses as well as your strengths that can be brought into play for the best interest of your children.
All the best,
Dr. A
These words of wisdom were provided by WeParent expert panelist, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, Marriage and Family therapist.
Need advice? Drop us a line through our Contact form. If we feature your question, we’ll send you a WeParent t-shirt…and you’ll get some expert advice.
Dr. Makungu Akinyela, Ph.D.
February 18, 2009 by WeParent
Filed under Expert Panel
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Dr. Makungu M. Akinyela, is a Marriage and Family therapist and a much sought after scholar / activist consultant on Black family life as well as an Associate Professor in the African American Studies Department at Georgia State University. He is a co-founder of the Family Center of South DeKalb, a private practice family therapy center where he specializes in couple and relationship therapy.
Dr. Akinyela is a Clinical member and an Approved Supervisor of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and past chairperson of the Metro-Atlanta Chapter of the Georgia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. He has presented and lectured at numerous conferences both nationally and internationally in such places as Adelaide, Australia; Durban, South Africa; Toronto, Canada; Vancouver, BC; Montreal, Canada; Manchester, England, Havana, Cuba and Hong Kong.
Dr. Akinyela serves of the editorial advisory boards of the International Journal of Narrative Therapy and Community Work, the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy; and the Journal of Systemic Therapy. Dr. Akinyela has written and published several journal articles, book chapters and commissioned monographs on issues related to Black families, mental health, African Centered family therapy and critical pedagogy.
Words from the Wise: Should I Take Him to Court?
December 13, 2008 by WeParent
Filed under Words from the Wise
Dear WftW,
My son’s father and I get along really well. We have a visitation schedule that works well for both of us. He’s very present and active in our child’s life, and when he is able (which had been fewer than five times in the past year-and-a-half), he gives me money or covers some of the expenses of caring for our child. Things aren’t perfect, but all-in-all, they are pretty good. I’d like to have more financial support, but the other ways he helps really does make a difference. Should I still file a child support order and get the courts involved in our lives?
Lisa
Atlanta, GA
Dear Lisa:
Let me congratulate you on the good working relationship that you have established with your son’s father. That is a major breakthrough in any conflict that you may have with a co-parent. Your question boils down to this: Should I risk creating a bad relationship with my son’s father by bringing in a third party (court) and obtaining a child support order against him?
First, let me comfort you by saying that there is nothing wrong with your desire to have consistent contributory support from the father. Support from both parents is a duty under the law of most, if not all, states. Money is essential in taking care of the child’s daily necessities. Additionally, it finances a quality of life for the child that is not always easy for a single parent to provide alone. Support from the other parent helps with additional activities such as tutoring, sports, band, camp. There is no doubt that socialization and learning in these different activities develop a well-rounded child.
Second, let me encourage you by saying that you are wise to recognize that money is not the only valuable thing that develops a healthy child. The consistent presence of a father in a child’s life is something that no amount of money could ever replace. So before you act, be sure to weigh the impact that any conflict between mom and dad will have upon the father child relationship.
My advice to you would be to complete a Financial Affidavit. You may find the form here. Pay particular attention to the “Children’s Expenses” section of the form. It is simply a monthly accounting of your expenses for the child such as: food, clothing, medication, lunch money, daycare, after school care, tuition, school activities, grooming, sports, etc. It would be a good idea to gather receipts, bank records and canceled checks to substantiate these expenses.
Establish a time and place to sit down with your child’s father and share with him the Financial Affidavit and Child’s Expenses. This may require you both to disclose your incomes. Be sure to have this meeting out of the child’s presence. Do not have or share this discussion with the child and agree with your child’s father than neither of you will do so. Express to the father the importance of having a regular contribution from him so that you are able to meet the child’s needs. Discuss with him what each of those expenses mean to the child’s daily and future development and well-being. Allow him the opportunity to tell you whether he can contribute a specific amount, how much, when he will begin, how often and whether the payments will be weekly, biweekly or monthly. Please allow him creative room to do other things, such as: (1) provide daycare, so you avoid the out-of-pocket expense; (2) pick the child up from school, so you avoid after school care; (3) add the child to his health plan; (4) spend a specific amount for the child’s clothing and shoes each season; (5) purchase specific grocery or other regular use items for the child on a monthly basis and deliver them to your home. As you are discussing and developing your plan, keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to have the physical and emotional needs of your child met.
If you are able to reach an agreement that you both can live with, reduce it to an informal writing. Keep in mind that your writing may not be enforceable in court. But, prayerfully it will give the father a sense of commitment and accountability. If your child’s father will not honor his agreement and will not give you a reasonable explanation regarding the neglect of his duty, then you have no choice but to resort to court intervention in obtaining a child support order.
Most states establish child support orders based upon the income and earning ability of both parents. At this point, you will need to seek legal advice from an Attorney in your state. If you cannot afford an Attorney, you may contact the Office of Child Support Services in your State to explore the option of filing a URESA petition to establish support. The Internet is always a good source of information. Educate yourself about your situation before seeking the advice of anyone. Simply go to Google.com and type in “getting court order for child support”. Be sure to include your state name in the search.
Regardless of the route you take, continue to do all you can to promote a good co-parenting relationship. This is ultimately in your child’s best interest.
To learn more about how a bad relationship between parents affects the well being of a child, go to www.seedintheearth.com and order the documentary: “A Fatherless Child-Diary of Absence”. Sit and watch it as a family.
These words of wisdom were provided by WeParent expert panelist, Lisa L. Carter, Attorney at Law, State of Georgia.
Need advice? Drop us a line through our Contact form. If we feature your question, we’ll send you a WeParent t-shirt…and you’ll get some expert advice.
Lisa L. Carter, J. D.
December 13, 2008 by WeParent
Filed under Expert Panel
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Lisa is a family law practice attorney in Georgia and has worked to help families resolve their problems in this area of law for more than 10 years. But, her passion for helping restore family structures began long before her professional career. She has long had a passion for people who had a desire to correct a relationship with another person but simply lacked understanding as to how and why that relationship correction was necessary. Over the years, that passionate seed developed into sadness for children who suffered from a broken or absent relationship with their fathers.
Out of that passion, Lisa embarked upon a search to understand why a large number of men in this generation fail to actively function in their roles as fathers. What she discovered is that some men lack understanding of their purpose and the honor that comes with fatherhood. Her pursuit of the answers to these problems led to Lisa’s directing and producing a feature-length documentary, A Fatherless Child–A Diary of Absence, and the birth of Seed in the Earth, a non-profit with the mission of restoring the honor of fatherhood.
Lisa is a regular contributor to the Words of Wisdom.
Have a question for Lisa? Email her at wow@weparent.com.
